From addiction to freedom: how our personality develops

We have the ability to change throughout our lives. It is impossible to find the point at which personality development begins or ends: the birth of the “I” can occur at the age of 3 or at 60, and development can stop at the secondary school stage.

“The criterion of a mature personality, on which most experts agree, is the ability to consciously accept one or another system of values ​​and make a moral choice,” says psychologist Ekaterina Patyaeva. “But the development goes along other lines: we are gradually gaining independence, we are learning to analyze the actions, our own and others, we are learning to respect ourselves and others, to enter into a dialogue, that is, not just to express an opinion, but also to hear our opponent, we are learning to resolve conflicts.”

The psychologist talks about the stages of personality development and illustrates them with characters from literature and history. Do you recognize yourself in any of them?

1. Simple “I”

Until about two and a half years old, we willingly obeyed an adult and did everything that we were told. Closer to three years, “I myself!”, “I want!” — it was the first age crisis. A simple “I” can become more complex as you grow older, but … not necessarily: development can freeze at this stage. If so, we have desires and we strive to satisfy them. But there is no “must” and there are no values. The inner world is simple and consistent.

Cultural associations: some characters of folk tales, a universal consumer from the story of the Strugatskys “Monday begins on Saturday”, Anfim Baryba from the story of Yevgeny Zamyatin “Uyezdnoe”.

2. Conscientious “I”

We grow up, and by about the age of 5–7, an understanding arises of what is good and what is bad, the first values ​​​​and subordination of motives appear: “I want to eat sweets, but I know that it’s impossible before dinner.” Undeservedly getting what we want, we experience (the effect of “bitter candy”). The psychologist Aleksey Nikolaevich Leontiev called this step “the first birth of a personality.”

At this time, we have the voice of conscience – but it is the voice of society, parents and other significant people learned from the outside. (Freud called this the birth of the “Super-I”.) We uncritically accept the ideas and attitudes that authority figures offer.

Cultural associations: Homeric Greece. Achilles, angry with Agamemnon, can listen to the voice of reason and pacify himself.

3. Conscious “I”

We are entering adolescence. The main achievement at this stage is to take your own position and justify it: “I understand the importance of your choice, but I stand my ground and do just that.” If we were brought up in a certain system of coordinates (say, atheistic or Christian), at this stage we understand that there are different systems of values, and we make our own choice.

This ability is one of the criteria of psychological, personal adulthood. A.N. Leontiev called this “the second birth of personality.” At this time, a teenager who rebels against his parents and their values ​​relies not only on his “I”, but also on his group with its values, that is, he makes a choice between two value systems, although not always conscious.

Cultural associations: an ancient Greek tragedy where the plot is based on a moral choice, such as Antigone, is a choice not between desire and value, but between two values. Life and views of Socrates, Augustine.

4. Romantic “I”

We again choose a system of values, the highest of which often becomes our “I”. The romantic tends to give up authority, the figure of God. He could say, “God is not my order. I know my situation better and base my own decision based on myself and my ideals. I am my own law,” but there is some arbitrariness in this position.

At this stage, we are not able to take into account the interests of those who are nearby, we do not leave them the right to have their own opinion. In history, this is the “hero and crowd” model. However, the hero needs a strong enough “I”, on which he can rely, opposing others.

Cultural associations: Byron, Mr Rochester from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë.

5. Autonomous “I”

A step that only a few reach. Here we build our own foundations for life and make our choices without regard to any authority whatsoever. As Descartes said, “Even God does not precede me.” Here we have freedom, but there is also responsibility to ourselves: we are responsible even for the God we choose.

Autonomous “I” is a position of respect for all value systems and respect for another person with his special views. According to the philosopher Merab Mamardashvili, “the devil plays with us if we do not think accurately.” Autonomous “I” includes this desire to think accurately.

Cultural associations: Josef Knecht in Hesse’s The Glass Bead Game, Zeno Ligr in The Philosopher’s Stone Marguerite Yoursenar, Daniel Martin in the novel of the same name by J. Fowles. Rene Descartes, Merab Mamardashvili.

Give your child support in life

Live in accordance with dreams and plans and at the same time achieve tangible results, leave a visible mark… How to raise children to be happy people with a strong “I”? Developmental psychologist Galia Nigmetzhanova reflects on what parenting should be like.

The foundation of the foundations is acceptance. It is important for everyone to be accepted in this world. With mistakes, misdemeanors, peculiarities.

• “Whatever happens, you are for me, I am for you” – such a message from an adult becomes the main resource for a strong “I” of a child, which will allow you to move step by step in the world, to learn and explore.
• The next step is the awakening in the child of his own motives to act. It is difficult to convince him to go to training, to participate in the Olympics, to do his homework, until he himself needs it. If we lead a child with a steel hand to the goals we have set, this only slows down the formation of his “I”: the child can get stuck for a long time in a sense of guilt or in the obligation to follow the will of his parents. Or spend all your energy on fighting pressure from outside. We, adults, can only infect with our passion, be a model, give impetus.
• And negotiate. Agree. Build a subtle system of help and belief that he will be able to cope with difficulties on his own. Respond to what awakens in the child.

• Getting out into the world is never smooth. Meeting with difficulties and obstacles brings the child disappointment and self-doubt, sometimes pain, anger, resentment.
• Here the task of an adult is to understand and accept these complex feelings without devaluing and ignoring. Help to recognize them and balance with a different point of view. Notice even small progress and give fair feedback. Especially when a child is faced with the impossibility of carrying out his plan. Maybe the time has not come, or the dream is illusory, or the forces are overestimated and for a start it is worth simplifying the task?
• Our objective view saves the child from losing himself, allows you to maintain integrity. Experiences of the power of one’s “I” can also come when performing a task of a small scale. But this does not happen if adults themselves are aimed at fulfilling grandiose tasks, setting the bar for high achievements. Unconditional acceptance, sensitivity and responsiveness, the ability to integrate feelings and emotions of different signs – all this can be offered to a child by a mature person: an adult not by age, but by inner make-up. Such a parent is the main support in the formation of a strong “I” of the child.