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When “useful connections” are valued in society, it seems that true friendship no longer exists. A Psychologies journalist explores the depth of our friendships.
“Now it’s more and more difficult to make friends”, “You can’t have many friends at all”, “Real ones are only friends of childhood or youth” … I am always perplexed when I hear such conversations. It is difficult for me, it is simply impossible to imagine my life without my friends. If you put them all together, you get a very large company. Friends from school, friends from my student years, friends from every editorial office where I worked. And now friends are added to them on social networks, on a genealogical forum, in which I spend a lot of time researching the history of my family … People of different ages, nationalities, interests, living in different cities and countries. Some of them became friends thanks to me, while others, most likely, would not have found a common language with each other, but the main thing is that I find it with each of them.
That is, found. Still. Until the moment when the “Crimean issue” arose before us with all its urgency. The answer to which, as it turned out, is different for everyone. And everyone behind him has his own story, his own pain. Now, as I write this text, passions flare up everywhere. Where did our peaceful, if sometimes emotional, discussions go – now, with a pounding heart, overcome with anger, we furiously shout out our arguments – and we cannot shout to each other. We no longer see the eyes of friends – they are obscured by an invisible, but clearly tangible line of defense. Yes, and indifference to what is important to us hurts and even hurts.
Read more:
- Friendship: decide to break up
Every day brings stories of how longtime friends can no longer see/hear each other. How does it happen? After all, we remained the same as we were, we did not change in one day. In the depths of our souls, we know that in the confrontation with those who are dear to us, there is not and will not be a winner. Perhaps this is what keeps many from the last, decisive step. And the question naturally arises: what do friendly relations mean for us and are they so strong if they cannot withstand differences of opinion?
Poll: Friendship of dissimilar
- 52% do not consider the lack of common interests to be an obstacle to friendship;
- 70% are ready to accept different political views;
- 83% of respondents are not embarrassed by the big age difference.
The survey was conducted by the Public Opinion Foundation in August 2013. See fom.ru for more details.
Network connections
Modern society is being atomized, we are becoming individualists. Therefore, friendship “is associated not so much with practical help as with spiritual intimacy,” writes the sociologist Igor Kon, “the need for which is, in principle, unlimited, insatiable. That’s why it seems so rare.” On the other hand, friendship requires serious emotional effort from us. And in big cities, where the pace of life is ever higher, we simply do not have enough time for friendly relations. We are too busy, we never have time. Friendship needs not just time, but also the duration, strength of relationships …
Today, we talk more about a “network of friends,” which suggests utilitarianism rather than deep feelings. Social networks, LiveJournal, forums are substitutes for personal communication. They allow us to stay in touch with friends when there is no time to see each other or talk on the phone, not to lose those who live in other cities and countries. If you think about it, it is modern technology that provides us with every opportunity to maintain friendship. And, of course, the absolute innovation of our days is the opportunity to make new acquaintances and acquire virtual “friends”.
Read more:
- Does friendship get in the way of loving each other?
Natalia, 48, editor: “There must be regularity in communication”
“Our company has developed gradually from individual friendships that so easily arise in student years. I met some of my friends during the entrance exams. What did we do? We met, sang, drank, invented something, composed musicals, traveled … Our communication was easy and at the same time very creative. There was a time when everyone began to actively organize their lives: get married, get married, look for work. We began to see each other less often, but the arrival of children breathed new life into our society. There was a cycle of wheelchairs, things, doctors. We staged performances, children’s parties. But still, I really wanted that same friendship from a carefree youth. And we decided to meet at least once a year without children. We came up with a new format, Maslenitsa, and for almost ten years we have been going to pancakes. I am convinced that in friendly communication there should be regularity. If it is not supported, it fades away, even the warmest relationships become cooler. I cannot say that I am the organizer of our meetings, but I bring movement to them. It has always been important for me to preserve our friendship, not to lose living, real human ties, no matter how life around us changes. This may seem sentimental, but I want us to be together so that no one disappears anywhere for a long time. It’s just that this circle of people is very dear and important to me.”
risk of suffering
22% of Russians have friends whom they met on the Internet (among those who are 18 to 30 years old, this figure is 44%)**. The paradox is that very often people make friends on social networks … not for the sake of friendship. “There we want to show ourselves, and this is the opposite of everything that creates true friendship – naturalness, sincerity, trust,” says philosopher and psychologist Elsa Godart. “Modern man is a fragile and anxious narcissist, it is more important for him to hear not the truth, but encouragement, to feel support.” The virtual cloud, where we generously exchange “likes”, lulls us, it is warm and cozy in it, like in an incubator. “Yes, we are used to comfort, and everyone is looking for protection from emotional suffering. But friendship is always a risk, you can’t do without disappointments, – emphasizes Elsa Godard. – It is impossible to strike up a sincere and warm friendship and not suffer. It doesn’t work that way.”
Read more:
- Friendship Sex: Can Friendship Last When Sex Ends?
At first, this assertion provokes a protest in me. Although … episodes emerge in my memory that I would prefer to forget. How offended by unfair words and how I myself could offend. How I did not receive support from those whom I could reasonably rely on, how I myself did not come to the aid of someone who was counting on me. There are always such gaps in the strong fabric of our friendships. And we know in the depths of our souls that friends, loving us, see flaws in us. Like us in them, to be honest. In a sense, being friends means accepting and recognizing each other’s identity. But are we “fragile daffodils” capable of this?
symbolic value
We have to admit that it is difficult to be truly friends. How do you make room for others in your life? How to recognize that not only your own life now matters to you? And yet, despite everything, we continue to be friends. 12% of adult men and women say that they have a friend, 39% – 2-3 friends, 18% – 4-5 friends (only 10% have no friends). In Russia, friendship is still “often endowed with more symbolic value than marriage, fidelity in friendship is valued almost more than any other social or moral virtue,” sociologist Vlad Pocheptsov analyzes the results of the FOM survey. And in most cases, these are long-standing, well-established relationships. They are cemented by shared memories. Writer Milan Kundera generally believes that this is the “true and only meaning of friendship”: “it is like a mirror in which you can see yourself as you were before; without the eternal chatter between friends about the past, nothing would have been left of this image long ago. But the strong emotions that we have experienced together also unite us: the trials that we have overcome together, and the wonderful, inspiring events.
Most of all, we value trust and reliability in friendly relations. All this is our wealth, which we created ourselves. Are we ready to lose him because of disagreements? Just yesterday, we were surprisingly tolerant: 70% of Russians did not consider dissimilarity of political views to be an obstacle to friendship. What will prevail now? And in the end, we know that if something happens to one of us, it is our friends who will be the first to rush to the rescue.
“My dissident friends refuse me” Nina, 42
“You are no longer my friend,” a friend writes to me on Facebook. And the second. Because we are dissidents, explains a third. I am definitely for the world. And friendship. And with everyone, including those who remove from friends (“according to civil position”).
“You don’t care at all!” – a colleague shouts to me in the tape, going to the next “against” rally. Not true. I care that my daughter comes home from school with a smile, that my mother’s pressure is not for the weather, that the pumpkin soup turns out delicious, that the project is delivered on time. Peace inside the house is very dear to me and, frankly, more important than anything else. But there are many places for good deeds outside the home as well. For the application of energy that bursts from the inside. It’s boring even to list: shelters, hospices, this and that. Without slogan flags and the online game “Catch me in a paddy wagon.”
Friend tape is an anthill-society, where everyone runs about their own business and with their own load. Someone to the beach, someone to the cats, someone to the hospital, someone to the rally. Wonderful! Run, but can you not push me to your path? And yet – you can not yell like that? Something important is drowning in the general cry. “Sign the petition,” I get a new notification. In response, I send a smiley – “From a smile it will become brighter for everyone” (if anything, I’m ready to subscribe only under this slogan). Unfriended again! And at this moment I formulate the main thing: if you are for peace, then why are you against me, for example? Is it only dialogue that is constructive? Dialogue with the opponent as well.
But this is not even the main thing. If you are for peace, then why is it so easy, automatically literally, to rush to beat with your fists those who are not with you? True, it looks a little absurd, dear comrades-friends?
* I. Kon “Friendship” (Peter, 2005).
** According to the Public Opinion Foundation, fom.ru
*** M. Kundera “Slowness. Authenticity” (Foreigner, B.S.G.-Press, 2000).