Friendly sex is quite common. Especially among young people: at least 60% admit that they have or have ever had at least one such “friend”. Why do so many people choose friendship sex and how will such relationships develop if sex disappears from them?
Friendship sex: pros and cons
If you take the whole spectrum of sexual relationships – from casual relationships like sex one night to a truly romantic relationship with a permanent partner for several years – friendly sex will fall somewhere in between these poles.
There is nothing surprising in it: the partners know each other quite well, often even for more than one year, they are connected by a history of non-sexual relationships, and there is already a certain level of emotional closeness between them. In other words, friendships can protect against the risks that casual relationships are fraught with, for example, the danger of running into a rude, aggressive or inadequate partner or becoming a victim of rumors about your promiscuity.
“But at the same time, friendship sex is far from a full-fledged relationship – such partners always lack obligations regarding a joint future, and the expectations of monogamy in these relationships may not come true,” Zhana Vrangalova notes. “Sexual relationships between friends help to avoid the danger of opening up and getting close to a completely “not your” person, but also does not guarantee that a long-term alliance that suits both can arise from this.
In addition to the obvious benefits of sexual satisfaction, coupled with communication and support, friendly sex has two more important benefits, according to American evolutionary psychologist Peter Jonason.
When a person gets himself a sex partner, he fills the void that occurs in the absence of a full-fledged relationship. Often such a connection becomes a temporary outlet for him, while he is in search of a partner who will truly suit him.
On the other hand, an intimate relationship with a well-known person can become a kind of “testing ground” for him, allowing him to check whether he is really ready for a more serious relationship in principle – and perhaps with this partner in particular.
But, as a rule, “sex friends” do not pass this test of strength: only 10-20% of friendly sexual relationships turn into long-term romantic relationships. The vast majority after some time – sometimes it’s months, and sometimes several years – is faced with the fact that the sexual desire disappears. What’s next? Does friendship end with sex and is there a chance to maintain a warm relationship after that?
Does sex destroy friendships?
There is a widespread belief that sex allegedly complicates relationships by destroying friendships. This question worries those who think about the prospect of friendly sex. In a survey conducted by American interpersonal experts Melissa Bisson and Timothy Levin, the destruction of friendships was the second most frequently mentioned disadvantage of friendly sex (28% of respondents answered so), the risk of developing unrequited feelings was in first place (65% of respondents).
However, the results of another recent study cast doubt on these concerns. A research team led by Dr. Jesse Owen of the University of Louisville, Kentucky, conducted a survey of 1000 college students about their experiences with friendly sex.
Of the 300 people who had a sexual friendship during the past year that they no longer maintained by the time of the survey, 80% said they remained friends with their partners. Moreover, half of them noted that their relationship became even closer and warmer than before the sexual relationship. It is curious that both boys and girls equally agreed with this.
Friendship sex can end in different ways. For example, sexual desire may disappear or sex may no longer be enjoyable.
It happens that one of the partners falls in love with the other, and then one of them or both of them decide that it was a bad idea. Sometimes one of the partners has a serious relationship with someone else. But be that as it may, many couples do not see the problem in becoming “just friends” again.
A common history and common memories, emotional closeness and mutual sympathy do not go anywhere and can become a good foundation for continuing relations in a different format.
Well, why did the remaining 20% of respondents fail to remain friends with their former partners? As it turned out, the initial conditions for their relationship were somewhat different. Either their “friendship sex” was originally based on something more than a mutual physiological attraction, or their friendship wasn’t strong enough. After the end of their relationship, they felt both betrayed and at the same time generally spoke more negatively about the ended relationship than those who managed to maintain the friendship.
“So if you have a ‘sex friend’ or are just considering starting a sexual relationship with someone you know, you don’t need to worry about friendship: if your relationship is strong enough and without sex, then sex itself will he can hardly destroy them. And if your friendship cannot survive after physical contact, there is a high probability that it was not a friendship at all, ”says sexologist Zhana Vrangalova.