Friendship: forgive or not?

Sometimes it is enough to remain silent, look the wrong way, or break a promise for the friendship to end. For 37-year-old Andrey, the decisive moment was the phrase “Have a nice weekend!”, thrown by Yulia, with whom he has been friends since childhood: “I told her about the death of my dog, and she reacted as if some thing just broke! She not only did not sympathize, she also showed how little she knows me and how she despises my attachment to the dog.

Betrayal has many options: a friend did not come when he was needed; a friend seduced your partner; the friend lied, revealed your secret, or didn’t come to your defense.

“To betray means to intentionally violate trust,” reminds psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova. – It seemed that with this person we have an explicit or implicit agreement on how we behave with each other; we were sure that the relationship with him is safe and reliable. And suddenly (sometimes after many years) it turns out that he did not play by the rules, and in an instant our picture of the world collapses.

Friendship, like any love relationship, is built on exchange, on what we give and take. I love myself through another, I like that he loves me and transmits my attractive image to others.

At the heart of friendship is similarity: we are friends with those who can be our alter ego, our reflection, the ideal image in which we recognize ourselves. The positive look of a friend nourishes us, makes us more confident and enriches the image of ourselves that we create.

Why does betrayal hurt so much?

According to Aristotle, a friend is also the one who makes us better, who allows us to develop our talents and abilities. If there is a conflict, it seems to us that we have lost part of ourselves. Not surprisingly, the betrayal of a friend is perceived as a disaster.

“I did an internship under Nina,” says 37-year-old Elizaveta. She was eight years older, and I looked at her with admiration. I needed confidence, support and recognition. She gave me all this. Gradually we became friends. We had a lot of common ideas and we created a joint venture. When she betrayed me, I just lost faith in myself, it began to seem to me that in our common projects I was not up to par and therefore lost her trust.

“Confusion, disappointment, anger, guilt (how did I not figure it out before?), shame (when a friend divulged the intimate moments of our life) – the one who was betrayed experiences a whole range of feelings,” says psychologist Ilya Latypov. “There is such a sharp pain that at the first moment we turn to our “I” in order to understand what happened after all.”

You can think about what happened alone, with the help of loved ones or a therapist. “The main thing is not to try to pretend that our pain does not matter,” emphasizes Varvara Sidorova, “that everything is forgotten and immediately forgiven.” Try to understand what exactly hurt you. Betrayal of a friend? Or maybe it just became the last straw in the bowl of your grievances?

Not everyone is ready for such, often painful, work. Someone cuts a friend out of their life once and for all. Someone tries not to think about the offense and continues to communicate “as if nothing had happened.” But both strategies are, in fact, an escape that makes reconciliation or forgiveness, and even more so, the restoration of relations, impossible, warns Ilya Latypov.

How to survive betrayal?

Realizing the importance of what happened is the first step towards forgiveness. The second stage requires more courage. At this point, we should be able to tell a friend that we feel betrayed, to express our pain.

This is necessary for us ourselves, notes Varvara Sidorova: “Expressing our pain, we pronounce the rules that a friend has violated, and thus restore the integrity of our picture of the world.” This is what will help restore the dialogue. So we may be able to take another step forward.

It is not at all necessary that forgiveness will occur. If a friend does not admit that he offended us, does not regret what happened, then the friendship is over, and we, most likely, were wrong about him. Or maybe, on the contrary, he wants to clarify a misunderstanding or share what he is going through. If a friend realizes that you are fragile and need to be careful with you, you can continue the path together.

Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust, emphasizes Ilya Latypov. “This requires sincerity, and from both sides. Trust is born again only through the contact of two open, naked consciousnesses, when you feel that there is no subtext, no second bottom behind this experience.

“Regardless of the outcome, this very explanation helps move into the future,” adds Varvara Sidorova. “Unexpressed, unlived anger, unexplained relationships, everything that is hidden in the depths of the soul, prevents us from moving on.” This makes it difficult to form new friendships.

“After the betrayal of a friend, I try to keep my distance from new acquaintances. Since then, I have not been able to make friends, ”Angelica, 29, admits bitterly.

The role of betrayal in relationships

Having experienced betrayal, we acutely feel that friendship makes us stronger and more vulnerable at the same time. We experience both an irresistible desire to restore the former unity, and the fear of being abandoned. Betrayal plays some scenes from the oedipal phase, when we suddenly realize that the other person’s love is directed not only at us. And then we get angry with ourselves for believing in its purity.

Psychoanalyst Nicole Fabre suggests abandoning narcissistic illusions: “Betrayal is an integral part of friendship, because it is based on likeness. I would say that it is even desirable: this is the logical conclusion of a relationship with an alter ego, a “healthy” break. For friendship to be strong, we must stop perceiving the other as our reflection or part of ourselves, recognize his otherness.

As in love, in friendship, one always idealizes the other and expects that he will compensate for all his shortcomings. As in love, in friendship there comes a moment of disillusionment, from which a true relationship begins.

By forgiving, we part with a childish view of friendship. And we admit that in another person, as in ourselves, beautiful and unattractive features coexist.

We recognize that our friend can make mistakes and no longer treat him utilitarianly, judging what good he will do us. It may disappoint us, hurt us, but we still recognize its value. If we manage to overcome difficulties together, friendship will become deeper and richer.

There is no rational way to forgiveness. “We intuitively focus on our inner measure: can I now feel safe with you or not?” – says Varvara Sidorova. If there is a strong desire to be friends, you can take a chance and renew the relationship.

Sometimes it happens that forgiveness comes, as it were, against our will, when resentment lets us go. Although we do not necessarily get close to a friend again. “Three years later, I suddenly realized that the pain had disappeared,” recalls Elizabeth. “I even have good memories of our friendship. I don’t regret that she was.”

The wound healed, the betrayal was experienced: “I used to dissolve in another, constantly looking for recognition, but now I have become more confident, whole. I show everyone who I am, with my strengths and weaknesses, and I am not afraid that they will not accept me or betray me.