Friendship: decide to break up

“The farewell letter is the best I could come up with,” says 36-year-old Olga. – We were friends with Vera for ten years, but it was a relationship from the series “one kisses (and that was me!), The other turns the cheek.” The longer it went on, the harder it was for me to endure. I tried to leave without explanation, increased the distance, but nothing came of it. In the end, I just wrote Vera a letter. Of course, there is nothing to be proud of here, but at least I experienced great relief.

Mutual affection, warmth, sincerity, spiritual closeness – all that we associate with friendship – make it one of the greatest values ​​in our lives. But at the same time, friendships often hurt us. Like love, friendship begins with an idealization of the other, which (over time) is followed by disappointment. And the stronger our expectations were, the more intense the friendship and the more painfully we perceive even the most insignificant discord. It is difficult for us to accept another as he is in reality, and we are not always ready to build new relationships with him.

“In friendship, as in love, it is impossible for each of the two to open up completely,” says Igor Kon, Doctor of Philosophy, author of the Friendship bestseller. – Needs always exceed the ability to fulfill them, and this becomes a source of deep feelings, feelings of dissatisfaction. In addition, friendship, like love (since these are exceptional feelings), is often accompanied by jealousy. And when friends have an acute misunderstanding, or a feeling of betrayal, deceit, or they feel cold, it becomes a real drama. And the relationship is broken.

The myth of selflessness

It is difficult to decide on a break when there is no obvious reason for this, but dissatisfaction from communication is growing: after each meeting, irritation, a feeling of hostility, a feeling of awkwardness remain. When friendship is in crisis, it is worth understanding: what is the mechanism of our relationship? What am I looking for in them? Why do I need them so much?

Through friendship, we often try to solve our internal problems, doing it unconsciously, but such relationships are always fraught with disappointment. So, with the help of another, you can try to raise your own self-esteem. “Often we see narcissistic duets in which partners idealize each other and are friends because, thanks to these relationships, they can increase self-esteem and feel moral support,” says Jungian analyst Lev Khegay.

“But the need for self-respect and self-love cannot be realized in communication,” says psychotherapist Anna Varga, “neither with a friend, nor with a lover, nor with anyone else — it is realized only in the concrete results of a person’s own activity. Usually, the one at the expense of whom we are trying to assert ourselves is knocked out of the role offered to him, and the friendship quickly ends.

It is also pointless to look for salvation from loneliness in friendship. “The experience of this feeling testifies to internal disharmony, that a person is at odds with himself, and, of course, friendship cannot help him change this sense of self,” continues Anna Varga.

“Behind the mythological idea of ​​disinterested, devoted, eternal friendship, other relationships are often hidden,” says Lev Khegay. – In a sense, friendship (in its mythological description) as such does not exist at all – most often it is an unconscious use of each other, in other words, self-interest. And the rupture of friendship occurs when one of the partners ceases to perform its function, when it is no longer possible to use it in its former capacity. For example, a friend listened to and approved of another for a long time, and then (for a variety of reasons) stopped doing it.

Such an unequivocal view of the pragmatic nature of friendship may seem shocking. According to a survey conducted by the Public Opinion Foundation, only 1% of Russians, when describing the concept of friendship, think about selfishness in these relationships. For us, mutual help and support, devotion, fidelity, readiness for self-sacrifice (40% of Russians say this), trust and frankness between friends (30%) are more important for us.

Why does it hurt so much

A break with a friend does not change the fate of a person as dramatically as the collapse of family or love relationships. But why do we get so hurt?

Each nation has its own sayings and proverbs about unreliable, unfaithful friends, but who among us will immediately remember at least one? But anyone from childhood firmly learns: “Do not have a hundred rubles, but have a hundred friends”, “An old friend is better than two new ones” … We can say that since childhood we have been programmed for cloudless, unclouded friendships: mutual assistance, devotion, emotional affection … And when reality comes into conflict with this myth, our picture of the world collapses, and we perceive it very painfully.

“Most of us generally find it difficult to lose anything or feel abandoned,” explains Lev Khegai. – At this moment, we seem to relive the losses that have already happened in our lives. We unconsciously return to the painful sensations associated with the very first loss – attachment to the mother’s breast.

“On the other hand, with age, we no longer need such intense communication with a friend as in our youth, but it is still very important for us to realize that there is a close person who will always understand and support,” adds Igor Kon. “When we lose him, whether through conflict or his death, we lose a part of ourselves, a part of our life with him.”

American sociologist Ian Yager assures us that the decision to break friendships is more difficult for us than for previous generations. Perhaps because the myth of true friendship is especially in demand today – the romantic image of a “friend for life” has replaced the utopia of “eternal and unchanging love”. “The ideal of eternal marriage has become surreal, couples have become more fragile, and we hold on tighter to friendship that fills the need for another person next to us.”

“In addition, family traditions, religious customs, social taboos no longer determine the norms and rules of life,” Lev Khegay agrees, “as a result, our actions and actions now largely depend on our own will. We are overwhelmed with responsibility, anxious and in great need of reliance on someone else. It is easier for a strong person who has found support in himself and knows what he wants from life to make a decision to break up.

Parting Criteria

If we are angry and outraged by the act (or inaction) of a friend, then we can make the decision to break up without hesitation. But more often, feeling that it is time to leave, we are tormented by doubts. How to choose the right solution? Experts are unanimous: there are no norms or rules in this matter. If only we are talking about true friendship, and not about relationships in which one dominates the other: they just need to be abruptly cut off.

“There is a non-scientific, but important criterion: no one person can be judged by one act, one must perceive his personality as a whole,” says Igor Kon. – It is useful to look in the mirror at the same time: “But I never behave this way? Have I ever let anyone down? And the relations themselves must be considered as a whole: what is their overall balance? If it is negative, then the relationship should be terminated.

It is important to determine for yourself where the limit is to the compromises that are inevitable in friendly relations. “For the sake of friendship, you can sacrifice a lot – everyday comfort, and time, and strength, but not important principles for yourself,” adds Anna Varga. – If compromises affect dignity, self-respect, it is worth considering whether such a relationship is needed at all. To do for the sake of friendship what you then despise yourself for is to doom yourself to the hardest experiences.

So it’s worth weighing all the pros and cons: what will an honest break bring me? Sometimes it’s better to let things happen.

Impulse for development

But how to leave – abruptly cut off friendships or maintain relationships, allowing them to gradually fade away? “Both options are unsuccessful,” says Lev Khegay. – In neither case, the partners do not change personally, they do not experience psychological growth, they do not feel relieved. The fact is that the relationship is not perceived as having exhausted itself – after all, it still remains unclear what is behind their friendship. When only one partner comes to the realization of this, the other is offended. But both always benefit greatly when they candidly, candidly discuss their relationship.”

However, according to Anna Varga, there is one subtlety here: “If you are determined to break up with a friend, it is better to do without explanations if possible, because discussing relationships is the path to rapprochement.”

It depends on each of us whether we get a positive experience as a result of the breakup. “You can’t get too hung up on the feelings of a breakup,” continues Anna Varga. “I don’t think that suffering in itself is beneficial, rather it is harmful. Suffered, suffered – comprehend, realize this experience – and move on! Friendship, like love, brings a lot of joy, happiness, but also a lot of pain. It is impossible to measure what is more. From the charm of human communication, from warm and sincere friendships, one cannot refuse just because there is a risk of being disappointed in another. Friendship shapes us in many ways and makes our lives more voluminous, but (unlike love) it cannot exist in one direction. And, no matter how painful the breakup is, it often helps us to become ourselves and live life to the fullest.