Friendship at work: a delicate balance

“I spend two-thirds of my time at work – and without friendships, I simply would not have been able to withstand such a load,” admits 33-year-old Irina, a pharmacist.

“It is important for me to know that at any moment they will help me without reminders and requests,” says 47-year-old Ksenia, an economist. “I would never agree to work in an atmosphere of indifference or hostility.”

It is obvious that Irina and Xenia need friendly relations at work. They are looking for among colleagues not just mutual understanding, but true friendship – a relationship of absolute trust, mutual interest in the affairs and experiences of another, personal affection, openness and devotion to each other. But not everyone behaves this way.

“In the collective unconscious, there is an unjustified prejudice: we should not mix personal relationships with workers,” recalls psychoanalyst Luce Janin Devillard. “But, of course, when we come to work, none of us leaves our heart with our coats in the wardrobe. Our unconscious builds connections with people without our knowledge.”

Are relationships at work superficial?

Each of us knows the desire to communicate with those who sympathize with us and whom we sympathize with. “This is the need for all primates, which we include, to create close, meaningful relationships, called “affiliation” (connection), explains family therapist Anna Varga. — We need those who recognize our features, knowledge and skills, achievements and merits. So it’s only natural that friendships arise where we work.” 65% of Psychologies readers say they met their closest friends at work.

But how fair is it to consider such friendship real? Is it possible here for mutual affection, warmth, sincerity, intimacy – all that we associate with friendship? “Sometimes we go out to dinner with the whole department, we call up someone in the evenings, but I wouldn’t call one of my colleagues a close friend,” admits 31-year-old Marina, an HR manager. “We share a lot with each other, but we also keep silent about a lot.”

“It is easy and interesting for me to communicate with a new colleague,” says 27-year-old Svetlana, a power engineer. “I think gradually we could become real friends, but the competitive atmosphere in the company does not contribute to this.” Does this mean that the human relationships that arise in everyday professional communication are always somewhat superficial, as they are influenced by individual career aspirations, competition or the rules of communication in the company?

“No, this is not always the case,” our experts say. There is a clear line between “buddy” and “friend”: we feel it when we get too close to the personal life of another person.

“Some of us find it easier to get close to people because of our character and upbringing,” explains developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik. – When a child is treated carefully, his desires, personal space, feelings are respected, then, becoming older, he will move without fear from friendly relations to deep friendship, which involves not only loyalty and mutual assistance, but also inner closeness, frankness, trust. He won’t be afraid to be vulnerable.”

Difficulties approach…

Work, of course, is not a club of interests, and trusting relationships often conflict with corporate rules of conduct. In such a situation, we are forced to maintain a balance between personal and professional, but often something has to be sacrificed.

“In my environment, the main principle is “have no enemies,” admits 36-year-old Valery, a trader in a commercial bank. – When someone sympathizes with me, I ask myself: why does he do this? It’s important for me not to strike up friendships, but to move forward at work.”

“Relationships between colleagues are determined by a combination of personality and context,” social psychologist Margarita Zhamkochyan analyzes the situation. – Career advancement obtained through competition and friendship at work are incompatible. After all, such a person subordinates all actions and his actions to the main goal. But often, those who are career-minded, reaching the top, discover how lonely they are. Next to them there is no one with whom you can be yourself.

Conversely, if colleagues have a common goal, then personal relationships necessarily arise, many of which grow into friendship. “Personal competition hinders friendship, and the fulfillment of common tasks, as well as overcoming common difficulties, on the contrary, contribute to it,” the psychologist clarifies.

“We met my bosom friend now in a private company, where the authorities in various ways prevented any contacts other than business ones. Our friendship arose not because of, but in spite of circumstances. And she turned out to be really strong,” says 33-year-old Anton, a sales manager.

“The level of cohesion and friendly ties is the higher, the stronger and tougher the hierarchical organization of society,” comments Margarita Zhamkochyan. – Friendship in such circumstances becomes a way of survival. This applies to both a small company and an entire state. So, in the Soviet Union, where the authorities put pressure on people or interfered in relations, regulated them, many were very close friends.

…or disunite

And another aspect of working relationships is the relationship between men and women. “Some of my male colleagues have become my real friends,” says 34-year-old Oksana, a programmer. “It is interesting for us to work and communicate, because our different views on life, business, phenomena and processes perfectly complement each other.”

“Friendship between men and women at work is possible, but in the absence of sexual claims to each other, attraction, love,” says Anna Varga. – Because an office romance is always fleeting. And what’s after it? Only a very uncomfortable situation of coexistence in one team. So either she or he often has to leave the company.”

Whether it’s a close friendship or friendship, these relationships are always tested in the workplace, as there is always a risk of destroying them due to conflicts or changes in the hierarchy.

“Recently I got a promotion,” says 35-year-old Anna, “I was appointed head of the department. And some employees practically stopped communicating with me. I was shocked and offended.”

“When changing status or work, some of us break off relationships that we did not doubt yesterday,” Margarita Zhamkochyan reflects. – As a rule, this happens due to the fact that we take friendly relations for friendship, which does not depend on our status, or on our financial situation, or on a momentary bad or good mood. It is not affected by distances and years, the frequency of meetings and the (mis)coincidence of plans.

But can you protect yourself from disappointment? Perhaps yes. Being aware of the limits of friendship at work will help us appreciate it when it develops, and not be too disappointed if it turns out to be not so strong.