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Tell me who is your friend?
«— What kind of people are these children? Dating, God knows with whom!”
Daughter: “What kind of children are these adults? They can’t calm down and live for their own pleasure!”
Conversation overheard in the school hallway
Your eight-year-old daughter’s new friend — some swirly boy with big ears — doesn’t seem to know it’s ugly to sniffle! In addition, he always answers your questions about studies in a vague and sparing way, and questions about his parents — looking down. Classmates of the eldest son laugh in such a way that the family crystal resonates in the next room, but yesterday the youngest brought a very pretty girl with a long, mermaid-like braid to dinner yesterday. The girl behaved at ease and turned out to be talkative in a good way, only she held the fork in her right hand, and the cutlet in her left …
It all started with food: this will be, this will not. — How? — But like this. He doesn’t care that broccoli is healthy, and he doesn’t care what nutritionists write about it. He’s already big! He likes fried dumplings with ketchup. In extreme cases, with curry sauce.
Then there are clothes. I won’t wear this hat again. — How? — And like this: «Pavlik said that in it I look like a buffoon.» You heard? Peacock said! Ah, there is also Pavlik! Who is he anyway? — How is it — «who»? Pavlik is my best friend, didn’t I tell you? — Not yet … — So — listen!
Where the King goes is a big secret
And we always follow him.
Majesty we must save
From all sorts of meetings he does not need
Oh, the guard gets up early …
Our role is dangerous and enviable.
The King cannot be without guards —
When we go, the earth trembles all around.
We are always near, near the King …
Oh, the guard gets up early!
cartoon song
Well, yes. Our child is the best. And everything should also be the best for him … Suits with diapers, we still somehow could control. The training shock was the spring foray into the sandbox, where the overweight Shurik hit our Senya on the head with a bucket. Then there was Lisa, who loved to spit, and the mischievous Maxim, who loved to sneak up unnoticed and destroy with love and diligence the erected sand fortresses with love and zeal … How difficult it was to come to terms with the fact that the world surrounding our children often looks unfriendly, and it is necessary to treat this philosophically . And when it turned out, it turned out that there are a lot of cute and sociable little ones around who dream of making friends with us. Later, another discovery was made: it turned out that Shurik knocks all the children without exception with a bucket: this is just his signature way of “inviting to the game”.
What will be next?
two to five
And then you will hear: “Bake, please, your “Napoleon” more — I invited Tolik, Anastasia, Stepan, Masha, Katya, Ksyusha and … Shurik and Liza to my birthday.” The longer this list is, the better. After all, they are his first friends.
Babies this age are extremely social. In addition, they are real monkeys. Copying the behavior of other people, a small person tries different roles: he is already looking for himself, he is trying to find out what behavior most effectively leads him to the intended goal. He is omnivorous and picks up in this sense absolutely everything that is available. Having seen off your beloved friend, you will be amazed to see that your daughter straightens her hair with her movement. Having been with your son in the dad’s garage, you will hear that the kid is now examining his toy trucks exclusively from below, moreover, he is anxiously muttering to himself under his breath: “Come on, dear …”.
Our children’s friends change very quickly during this period. Great friendship — for six months. And «bad» influence — too. But it’s time for you to start learning to «make friends» with your child’s new friends. These particular friends will most likely disappear, but the little one will learn: «Being friends is good and right.» For now, this is enough. Accept your child as he is, regardless of whether you like his next hobbies or not. The stronger this support, the more difficult it is to “badly” influence the baby outside the home, and the more transient this influence will be. Universal advice (which is still relevant at this age) is to give the child maximum time and attention.
five to nine
Preschoolers and younger students can still be downright promiscuous in their dating choices. If you are unlucky with school, and there are few children of the same age in the yard, the offspring may well surprise you with his choice. Fortunately, everything here is in your hands. Try to «tame» a new friend, invite the guys to go with you to the forest, to the skating rink, to the theater, to go to the country. Invite your child’s friends to visit and make it interesting for both friends, but first of all for your child. The situation will be resolved fairly quickly, in one of three possible ways. Either you will be able to transfer the communication of children to a higher level characteristic of your child, and you will benefit both children, or your child, having felt the contrast, will cool down to a new friend, or you, having looked at your friend more closely, will understand that he is not bad at all , but simply — «good with details.» In the latter case, mothers sometimes say with a laugh: “I had one son, and now I have two!”
nine to fifteen
The most difficult thing is sometimes to understand the logic by which teenagers choose friends. A quiet and well-mannered “good girl” suddenly begins to spend all her free time with a girl who has the glory of a bully. A smart boy gets close to a bully. Sometimes it turns out quite unexpectedly. Your wonderful son, who yesterday visited the web design studio three times a week, today spends most of his time with a certain Max, melting down old batteries into lead bats for playing cork. And your daughter, perhaps, one day amazed you with a black manicure and a green strand over her forehead: the new girlfriend had varnish and hair dye, but her parents were just not at home. Well, of course you’re shocked.
It is important to understand what your child receives in this communication. Sometimes the so-called «unfavorable friend» is nothing more than a kind of counter-argument of the child, the «antithesis» of parental upbringing. And often, parents really should listen to this symbolic message. For example, in this way, a teenager may rebel against excessively harsh, or, on the contrary, pampering treatment of him. He seems to be telling you: “I have already grown up! Do not believe? I’ll prove». Once you «let go of the reins», and you will see that the friendship that irritated you will come to naught by itself.
Another option is also possible: teenagers chose each other according to the principle of “polarity”. Each of them receives in contact with the other something completely new for himself, and this is felt as mutual enrichment. Even if you are terrified of a new friend or girlfriend, relax: children usually quickly get satiated with an “exotic cocktail” and each of them returns to a circle of closer friends. Further, both, like two comets, begin to rapidly move away from each other.
How to behave?
First, leave the choice to the child.
In no case should you demand a break in relationships that do not suit you: teenagers always react extremely sharply to ultimatums and «oppression of their freedoms.» If you deliberately snort at the mere mention of the name of the ill-fated girlfriend, you will only achieve the opposite: after all, you have encroached on the sacred. “Fighting” with a child, you move to the camp of “enemies”, against which they are just friends with new friends. Show that you do not like the choice of the child, but it remains with him. The consciousness of parental trust removes the veil from the eyes, and the teenager can assess the real situation. Pressure, on the contrary, pushes him to the opposition and provokes him to maintain the Status Quo.
If you still can’t “sit with your hands folded”, and you want to somehow influence what is happening, you can’t “go ahead”. To molest a 14-year-old child with meticulous questions like “Well, explain to me, well, what did you find in this Gendos ?!” — it’s the same as getting attached to an Englishman with a request to explain to you with what such joy the English roosters scream exactly «Coca-doodle-doo.»
Think about what kind of antithesis you could offer a child? Instead of directly “debunking” vulgar green curls, you can start studying, for example, hairstyle and fashion magazines with your daughter. Initiate her in the basics of makeup rules, give her something from your cosmetics or buy your own. In the game of traffic jams, by the way (including all its analogues), the main «moment of steepness» is the accuracy of the players. Whoever breaks the game the first time wins and takes everything. The child may not be aware of this, but you can help him. Instead of throwing a piece of lead into a column made of corks in the company of dubious friends, you can go to the shooting range with your dad or do archery in the sports section.
“It is necessary that there is a whole bag of hide-and-seek and buddies — then the boys will not disappear”.
Eduard Uspensky, Vacation in Prostokvashino.
If you never like your children’s friends…
… then you are the problem. I think you need to ask yourself why this is happening. Is your child really so stupid that he always chooses worthless comrades for himself? Why did you get into the habit of rejecting what is important to him? Why are you so fascinated by the war against his idols? Do you enjoy this kind of self-affirmation or is it just a fear of being alone? Is it unpleasant for you that someone else besides you has an influence on the offspring?
An additional red flag is if you also don’t like the music your kids listen to, the books they read, the movies they watch, and that shaggy guitarist poster that your son has over his desk. Jealousy is an understandable feeling, but useless and impractical, and the policy of «divide and rule» in life usually does not bring any dividends. It turns out «Pyrrhic victories», which there is no one to celebrate and no one with.
Look at the situation from a different perspective. By attacking the friends of a son or daughter, you impoverish their lives in order to fill the resulting void again with yourself. Think about it, can a child enrich your life if you see his friends as your own? In the end, in a sense, this is true, because you should not be interested in the fact that the child forever belongs to you, but in that it (the child) is happy. A friendship that began when we were 15 may well last for years to come. Consider: friends of your growing children, this is serious because it is their life. But it is also your life if you are going to live long.
Here you can go a little further. The desire to reject children’s own choices is a symbol of our unconscious desire to leave them forever in childhood. And the science of accepting our children’s friends and loving them is part of the science of accepting our children growing up. And, accepting the growing up of children, we are once again forced to come to terms with the idea that time cannot be stopped. This, of course, may seem sad, but the elixir of eternal youth has not yet been created anyway. So let the child have more friends!