When adolescence is more or less behind us, and when the need for close and trusting communication becomes normal, not deadly, we suddenly find ourselves in difficulty: what can (and is it possible?) to ask loved ones. What can you want from them to remain their friend, and not to vulgarize relations with consumerism.
Because needs — normal, human, psychological — develop, and, as usual, you want help and support from friends. Including these new needs.
Here it happens in different ways: it is possible, in accordance with the new idea of life, to change the idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbfriends and now look for such friends who can give me more. In the truest sense: a prestigious job, quality entertainment, information, money…
And I, accordingly, will cry with something.
Well, business approach.
You can rigidly divide friends into close and business contacts, avoiding internal moral conflict: «nothing should be needed from friends, they are just friends.» It is easy to see that this approach is not the best either, both from the point of view of the prospects of friendship itself, and from the point of view of friends, who, in fact, will also not be able to ask you for anything.
Well, it’s inconvenient.
You can simply close your eyes to these changes, then everything will happen as if by itself: with people who are needed less, and there will be less and less time for communication, and contacts “necessary” will be maintained and maintained (as if without any ulterior motive). «. Needed in different, including in the best sense of the word. Here, the business benefit is not only not directly pronounced, but usually bashfully camouflaged: “How does it happen,” we lament, “old friends, but we see each other, consider it, only on business!”
By the way, just as “almost unconsciously” marriages happen for various reasons (and apparently only and exclusively for love). And it’s good if these calculations are based on the assumptions that «he will be a good husband and therefore I need him.» And if somewhere in the depths of the soul there are thoughts about career success, monetary gain, the opportunity to live in a separate apartment, about moving to a big city, and so on, then this family may one day have difficulties.
«You never loved me!»
The problem lies precisely in the unspokenness, hiddenness of our desires. Once we hide, then we hide something bad (from our own point of view). With such a feeling, we hide. And if it suddenly pops up, you will have to realize yourself as a deceiver and a hypocrite. However, if we are firmly convinced that we should not need anything from loved ones, then in practice we really have only two options: look for other people or deceive loved ones and ourselves in existing relationships.
“Principles are always unpleasant,” says my good friend and a man of crystal decency.
All together, this one way or another results in the problem of sincerity in relationships: I need these people and these relationships, or that and only what I can have as a result. We understand that helping not for our own sake, but for the sake of something else, external, is not very pleasant. And we are confused. Because we develop, grow up, face more and more “adult” problems in life, and from the people around us we need something not for personal trifles, but for business: to get married, to marry me, to give money for promotion, to get a job, etc. People, including close ones, are also considered as those who can give something (not only mentally).
Here is a girl gently and affectionately spending time with a young man. And she wants to marry him. But he somehow doesn’t talk about the wedding and it seems that he doesn’t even think: “We are doing well anyway.” How to be a conscientious girl? If she wants to get married, and understands that this “marriage” is what she needs from her young man.
Another example: a young man really needs money to borrow: a good opportunity has turned up for professional, for example, growth. And he knows that his friends have the opportunity to give him this money. And yet he misses a good opportunity, because he does not imagine how you can approach friends with such a request. How can friends be used?
It turns out, as it were, a dilemma: who am I, a fool or a scoundrel? A fool if I can use help and don’t use it, but a scoundrel if I use it.
So?
Not this way. You can also use it in different ways.
In fact, this is a question just about the sincerity of the relationship. How to keep this sincerity? Sincerely do not want anything from loved ones? Sincerely do not realize this report? Sincerely recognize and accept insincerity and risk the loss of loved ones precisely in the sense of intimacy of relationships?
Perhaps all this can be avoided. If we allow ourselves to admit that the world around us is a world where people not only live next to each other, but also help each other. Including — and on request. Including, and when it is not so easy for them to do.
It would seem, what is the problem? What’s stopping you?
There is a problem. Because this is a world where obligations exist. And that means less freedom. Childhood is gone. And if I accept the help of loved ones — not as a deal “you to me, I to you”, but as an unconditional help: “if you need it, then you need it” …
“-D’Artagnan, only the queen needs this, or do you need it? “You are right, I need this, Athos. — So what’s the deal?»
If I ask for such help and accept it, then I accept peace with obligations. I accept the possibility and probability that one day someone’s (not necessarily the one who helped me now) interests will be just as unconditionally important for me: «if you need it, then you need it.» And this is responsibility. And usually you don’t really want to. Therefore, at an earlier age, the basic formulation of freedom turns out to be seductive: «I owe nothing to anyone.» Later, a generous «But I can help» is added. («I» here is still free and independent — completely). And only then comes the understanding of reality: «And I may need help.» For myself or for my loved ones.
And if you «owe nothing to anyone» — in general — then you can’t do anything to anyone.
Can’t do. Give. Help. Not on trifles, but seriously, when the efforts of many people are required, and they need to be asked about it.
I know a wonderful woman whom people often turn to for help. And she helps. Not because she is a master of all trades or a great boss, but because very, very many people are personally happy to render her a service. And she asks to help someone, and this request is fulfilled. Because she asks.
And “you don’t owe anything to anyone” means that you are turned off (excluded) from communication-interaction with other people. Fully. Otherwise, you will owe them: at least behave in a way that is convenient for them. And if you want to do something good for someone (a friend, for example) in life, then in many cases you will need the help of other people, sometimes not very familiar (sometimes on trifles, and sometimes very seriously) . And they need to be contacted. Connect yourself with them. And you will owe them — this.
And then it turns out that either you will be indebted to someone, and you will be able to do your good deed, or it will be more important for you to “not owe”. And you will be on your own. And you can’t help.
Quiet with myself …
When all this becomes understandable, the troubles about “is it possible to ask friends for help, or does it destroy friendship” go away on their own. Is it possible to ask? Can. You just don’t have to lie, pretending that you “don’t really need it,” and in general you “didn’t ask for anything.” You have to ask honestly. Sincerely. With the understanding that you are now asking for help. And friends, relatives, relatives, spouse — they help you. Or just as honestly refuse. And they are aware of this. Then you don’t have to lie. Not to yourself, not to others. And the relationship is sincere, when «everything without concealment» — will be preserved.