Friendly sex: what women think about it

“It is important for me that we are friends and can trust each other”

Olga, 28 years

The phenomenon, which in English is designated as “friends with benefits” (friends with benefits or privileges), is known as “friendship sex” in our language and is shrouded in myths. Since a man does not offer anything serious, it means that he does not appreciate it, and for a woman this is humiliating. A prejudice has firmly settled in their heads: a normal woman dreams of a family and children, and when she leaves the age of fertility, sex ceases to interest her.

Let’s be honest: love is a rare feeling. However, we are all living people and want to feel happy, including in sexual relationships. Now I do not have a person with whom I would like to be together, but nevertheless there is a need for intimacy. There seemed to be only one way out – a connection with someone whom you would most likely not see the next day. It doesn’t suit me. And life itself gave the answer.

Alex was my classmate. After graduation, we continued to communicate, helped each other with work, and I always knew that this is the guy I can rely on. Once we met at a party with a mutual friend, talked all evening, and I felt that he liked me and I was pleased to flirt with him. We were together that night.

After such stories, there is a risk of waking up with the only desire – to forget about everything as soon as possible. This did not happen to us, although it soon became clear that both of us did not want to translate the relationship into something serious. He turned out to be an excellent lover, and it is important for me that I know him, trust him. Yes, I don’t see us as a couple, and we have a fairly free union, but this is not a reason to leave.

Relations with Alexei will not make me happy for life, I am aware of this report. I like the feeling of that special, magical connection and warmth that appears only in a pair with a loved one. But there is no such thing yet, and our friendship suits me the most. It’s good that she has those very benefits, that is, advantages.

“Relationship without commitment helped to survive the divorce”

Elena, 39 years old

After a difficult parting with my husband, I really wanted to feel wanted again. At the same time, I didn’t have the strength to build a new relationship, and getting to know someone specifically for the sake of sex seemed like a dubious adventure.

I then kept in touch with a former colleague – he is also divorced, our children are the same age, we understood each other well. Once I put the child to bed, I felt very lonely, I called him and offered to meet. He immediately arrived, and everything that happened between us was completely natural. For the first time I was with a man whom I did not see as my partner, but with whom I enjoyed intimacy.

Before, I could not even think that this would suit me, that it would even seem like the best option for the development of events. I feel happy, but I have not lost my head, I can soberly and responsibly deal with my son, build my new life. And yet I am not alone.

With this person, I was able to really relax in bed, I decided to open my fantasies to him and not think about how this would affect our relationship. It became a new, unfamiliar freedom for me.

None of my relatives knows about our connection, I don’t say anything to a child who is having a hard time breaking up with his father. My friend does not claim anything more, everything suits us. What happens if one of us falls in love with someone else and wants to start a family? I think we can let each other go and be friends.

“Mutual openness and trust are the best foundation for any relationship”

Daria Petrovskaya, gestalt therapist

“Friendship with privilege” can be a good form of contact if both do not have a need for something more. But none of us is immune from the feelings that inevitably arise between a man and a woman. And then it will become difficult to maintain this “light” form, because you don’t want to lose a person, and the agreements were originally different.

As a rule, such a connection is really suitable only for a while. And Olga is well aware of this, noting that relations with Alexei “will not make her happy for life.” Relationships are always dynamic, evolving over time, and choices must be made. Either get closer or end them.

But the question arises – why do we avoid greater intimacy? I often hear that in relationships people lose their sense of personal space, it becomes too crowded for them. Behind everyday life and responsibility, the feeling of lightness and flirting is erased. Sex with a regular partner becomes loaded with resentment and gives way to easy and noncommittal sex with a friend.

Elena mentions that for the first time she felt intimacy with a man, not seeing herself paired with him. She is not shy about voicing her fantasies in bed, without thinking about how this will affect the relationship (after all, they are not planning anything serious), and this gives her a sense of freedom. However, such mutual openness and trust is the best foundation for the relationship between a man and a woman.

It turns out that something prevents intimacy when she is ready to build a couple. Why is this happening? I think we often get confused about why we need relationships and enter into them rationally, without considering our needs. It can sound like “it’s time” or “all friends are married.” We hear not so much the voice of our needs as a series of parental or social messages about what is right.

In fact, the idea of ​​relationships in our society is turned on its head. Society suggests that you first choose a person, and then get used to him. But modern life invites to a different, more relevant model. Get to know yourself, your needs, your sensitivities, and get in touch with those for whom we are also suitable. Then agreements and obligations become not an obstacle, but a sincere desire: “I want to stay with this person, I want to recognize and choose him.”