Brothers and sisters have known you since birth. Only they will be able to remember what you were like as a child when your parents are no longer around. No one will understand and support you like they do, because you grew up together and went through the same experience. What is the basis of such a relationship, and why is it so important to be friends with brothers and sisters, especially as we grow up?
Friendship with brothers and/or sisters can be a great gift to yourself. Of course, communication with them does not always develop into friendship with age, but maintaining a good relationship is extremely useful: this way you can get help when you need it most. As in any relationship, four basic rules are important here: honesty, trust, loyalty and support.
1. Honesty
In any relationship, be it friendship or romance, work or family, honesty is paramount. When siblings are truly close, there can be honesty between them that is difficult to achieve in marriage, friendship, or work. The fact is that they see the best and worst manifestations of each other since childhood. They often cover for each other, sometimes the elders force the younger ones to lie and defend them in front of their parents.
Honesty between adult siblings means that they can express their opinions without fear of offending or offending another. They speak to each other in a non-choosing expression, which is hardly possible in a relationship with someone else. Of course, this is not a reason to make insulting, tactless remarks or be rude to each other. But even if someone went too far, brothers and sisters forgive each other faster and more easily understand how to make amends.
When starting a difficult conversation with a brother or sister, it is important to remember that you can only speak for yourself – about your feelings, beliefs, perspectives. Being honest does not mean forcing the other to agree with you, to believe what you believe. All you can do is to entrust the most intimate to another and see what happens next.
And yes, trust is the main thing, without it, honesty and openness are impossible.
2. The trust
Trust is a complex thing. It is based on the desire to believe in the other person and deserve to be believed in you. Families in which they treat each other with suspicion, check, force them to prove something all the time, it can be difficult to trust, especially if there is no example of support from adults from an early age. But over time, brothers and sisters can come to trust on their own. After all, a home, a family is sometimes the only place where a person feels safe, can take off his armor and lay down his weapons.
Usually people allow themselves to show weakness only in the environment of loved ones. If there is trust, brothers and sisters willingly share the most terrible secrets with each other. Without trust, even small children will be afraid to reveal their secrets to anyone.
Some parents teach their children not to trust anyone. Such upbringing bears fruit in adulthood, prevents brothers and sisters from opening up to each other. Unfortunately, it will take a lot of time and effort to get rid of the attitudes laid down in childhood.
3. Loyalty
In our minds, the concept of “family loyalty” is associated with mafia clans, godfathers, and the laws of the underworld. In fact, every family has its own “code of loyalty”: parents teach children to protect each other, and children are ready to defend the honor of the family when necessary.
For years, sibling relationships have been described solely as a combination of unconditional loyalty and rivalry. Brothers and sisters could argue about everything in the world, but rushed to each other’s defense when someone or something threatened him.
Demonstration of fidelity is possible even in early childhood. Standing up for a brother or sister, defending when they are offended, keeping their secrets are examples of healthy devotion. However, blind loyalty can be a symptom of problems in the family. Support can turn into indulgence and covering.
Permissive relationships between brothers and sisters can exacerbate a difficult situation and lead to disaster. And relationships based on support turn a problem into a challenge and provide opportunities for growth and invaluable experience.
4. Support
Brothers and sisters can support each other in different ways. Some demonstrate emotional support, others help with deeds: they lend money, let them live, offer a ride. Financial support is more typical for brothers. Studies have shown that sisters tend to be comforting and encouraging, and are also more in need of emotional support. Both benefit greatly from supporting each other.
Even if your relationship is strained right now, one day you will realize what a huge support your brother or sister can be.
Role in the formation of personality
“Unfortunately, little has been written about the relationship of brothers and sisters, more attention is paid to parents and the problems of children. I decided to look into how relationships with brothers and sisters influence the history of our personality, who we become when we grow up, ”writes psychologist Carol Pearson. She talks about the formation of personality archetypes, which is influenced, among other things, by relationships with brothers and sisters.
For example, fighting with your brother can make you a Warrior archetype, while constant teasing and teasing can make you a Clown. “My hypothesis is based on the fact that parents play the main role in shaping the relationship between brothers and sisters, because they are the main example for the child. Sometimes he adopts certain stereotypes of behavior in the earliest childhood, when he still cannot consciously comprehend them, ”the author claims.
When a child appears in the family, parents unconsciously convey to him the attitudes of how he should be in order to be treated as a person. But if the first child has a choice, the second must take into account not only the parents, but also the sister or brother. He learns behavior patterns by communicating with all family members.
One of the participants in the study, Carol Pearson, shared his experience with his brother. They fought constantly, because the younger brother copied the older one in everything, and it was terribly annoying. Fortunately, when they grew up, moved apart and went to different colleges, they were finally able to communicate on an equal footing.
Others interviewed said that they had to take care of younger siblings, which taught them how to help and support people and even gave leadership skills, although in the past it was very burdensome.
Brothers and sisters who have gone through difficult times together often find it easier to cope with ups and downs, setbacks and trials.
Those study participants who loved and were close to their siblings confirmed that this friendship made them open, honest, and capable of intimacy with others. They easily establish contact with others in any, even unfamiliar environment.
But respondents whose brothers and sisters chose a negative pattern of behavior, fought and bullied them, in adulthood try to avoid communicating with them, but at the same time they often choose patterns of behavior learned from childhood.
Indicative is also the story of a woman whose half-sister, with her kindness and care, saved her when her parents began to drink. The twin sister of another interviewee died in infancy, and the survivor thought about her all the time, wondering what she might do or say in this or that situation. Another member was an only child but found a friend who replaced her sister.
Brothers and sisters who have gone through difficult times together often find it easier to cope with the ups and downs, setbacks and trials of life. Joint experience reveals in them the archetype of the Realist, who is able to sympathize, console and support loved ones in any situation. They also learn to feel sorry for others, to work in a team, to provide emotional support, which reveals in them a developed Loving archetype. They easily strike strong, long-term love relationships and create strong families.
In addition, often women and men are looking for a partner who looks like a brother or sister.
Analyze all of the above, think about the relationship with a brother or sister. What archetypes they brought up in you, how they influenced your growing up, who you are now. Which of the following archetypes suits you?
- Idealist – follows the rules, hopes for fate, imagines who he could become.
- Realist – sympathizes, consoles, covers.
- Caring – caring for others, for animals.
- Fighter – argues, competes and fights, as a child he likes to play war.
- Seeker – loves adventure, discovery, tries to step beyond the limits of the possible.
- Loving – tries to get closer, emotionally support, share the innermost, cares about appearance, about beauty.
- The Creator is engaged in creative projects, art, as a child he loves fantasy games and games with cubes.
- Revolutionary – breaks the rules, rebels, protests, fights for what he believes in.
- Leader – manages others, plays games where one is in charge, starts his own business, collects and arranges things.
- Player – plays, fools around, jokes, shows tricks.
- Sage – wants to get to the bottom of the matter, learns, offers ideas and theories.
- Magician – performs magic tricks, reads fantasy, composes magical stories, imagines other worlds and incredible possibilities.
It is important to understand that siblings have just as much influence on each other as parents. It is they who, like no one else, can support and help in a difficult situation, sort out together with you the problems that come from childhood.
Such a friend is a great blessing. But even if your relationship didn’t work out, the potential benefits are worth trying again.