“Everyone will think that I …”, “No one will understand me …”, “Everyone will condemn me …” Such thoughts paralyze us, prevent us from realizing our dreams. Who are these “everyone and everyone” that stand in our way, and how to get rid of their influence, explains life coach Katlego Koloub.
Katlego Kolobe, life coach, student of renowned American psychologist and coach Martha Beck, works in Johannesburg, South Africa.
When I decided to leave the office and start my own career as a coach, the biggest challenge for me was to overcome the resistance of my environment. “What is happening in the economy is terrible,” they told me. “You can’t imagine worse for starting a career!”
Everyone had their own opinion on this matter: my boss, who persuaded me to stay, my parents, who were not happy with my “frivolity”, my husband, who, on the contrary, supported and guided me.
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- “I’m too dependent on other people’s opinions”
As soon as we think about taking responsibility for our lives and fulfilling ourselves, it becomes clear how much other people influence our decisions. Of course, this is not surprising, since we are by nature social beings. However, our ability to change our lives in accordance with our dreams depends largely on our environment. The assessments and opinions of family and friends can either spur us into action or abandon our plans. As millionaire Jim Rohn once said: “We are a cross between the five people with whom we spend the most time.”
In theory, there is one indicator that you are constructively using other people’s assessments – this is your confidence in the chosen path. But confidence is such a tricky thing: you begin to hesitate, imagining what others will tell you, even before you have shared your intentions with someone.
Pass the tests
- How addicted are you?
How about statements such as:
- If I quit this job/don’t have a child/marry a man without a higher education, no one will respect me;
- I can’t live in such a small apartment / in this town – everyone will consider me a loser;
- People don’t understand people like me: too creative/too old-fashioned/with such views.
It looks weird as written, doesn’t it? It is clear that we cannot know the opinion of all people. And yet we all have this or that kind of consideration. In terms of generalizations like “everyone”, “no one”, “everyone”, we actually mean those significant people we focus on. Taken together, they add up for us in the image of a “generalized other.”
“They can be people who raised us, as well as those who became important to us as we grew up,” notes American psychologist Martha Beck. The influence of this “other” on us is great. We can dream of changing something, achieving something in our life, but if the “generalized other” does not approve of this or does not believe in us, most likely we will not succeed.
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- Break the vicious circle of negativity
Here is an example of my client Lindy. The “generalized other” that existed in her imagination was “constructed” from the images of her mother, teacher, ex-boyfriend and best friend. Lindy felt how she was constrained by social rules and expectations. During the life coaching process, she began to understand that if she wanted to leave the past behind and start enjoying life, she would have to learn not to depend on the approval of “everyone”.
To do this, Linda made a new list – people who could support and encourage her, and not object to her decisions. She included her 12-year-old son because he always told her how wonderful she was, as well as book club friends. It was to these “all” that she mentally addressed, for example, when, after many years of loneliness, she decided to create an account on a dating site.
Previously, “everyone” in her head whispered: “What are dates at your age? People will think that you are completely desperate!” But now her “generalized other” gave her hope. “Life is too short to spend it alone,” she heard and felt she had been given permission to start a new chapter in her life.
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Who is your “generalized other”?
This exercise will help you figure out who is invisibly in control of you and create a positive alternative to them.
Divide a piece of paper in half with a vertical line. Label the left column with the letter “A”, the right column with the letter “B”.
Answer the following questions in the appropriate column. For each answer, list three people in your community who:
A. You have been criticized.
B. They said that you are a winner by nature.
A. Prevented you from making new friends or company.
B. It was said that many would be glad to make friends with you.
A. They said that in the future money will be hard for you to get.
B. They said that in the future you will find financial well-being and abundance.
A. It has been hinted that you do not deserve a joyful life.
B.They said that you deserve joy, fun and satisfaction with your life.
Compare the people in column A and B. Who do you like best? Which of them is happier, who is more realized? These are the B column people, aren’t they? They see potential in you, even if you don’t see it yourself. Now ask yourself, whose opinions are more credible? Try to muffle the voices of those on the left and focus on what those on the right are saying.
Self-confidence and purposefulness will not appear by itself, you have to work with it. And one of the ways is to consciously choose those inner “voices” that will support and inspire us. By listening to them, you kind of give yourself permission to change your life and realize your dreams.