Contents
Exhausting workouts, strict diets, an irreconcilable struggle with wrinkles and our own desires … Many of us are so eager to subordinate our body to our own will that we lose all contact with it. Is it possible to regain spontaneity and freedom to your body?
She doesn’t spare herself at all. I have been dancing for a long time. Now the program includes hour jogging and yoga classes. She says she loves sports. He suffers if he has to miss a workout, for example due to illness. “All day I feel guilty. And in the evening I peer into the mirror: the muscles have become less noticeable – and this confirms my guilt. Her husband admires her, her friends envy her, but this does not help. She considers herself ugly and lives in constant fear of gaining weight or breaking the regime.
External Ideal
What is happening to us? “We see ourselves not as we really are, but as we think others see us,” explains Gestalt therapist Marina Baskakova. “The desire for control is an echo of the “mirror stage” in child development.” By the age of about two years, children get an idea of their body by seeing their reflection. Thanks to parents who bring the child to the mirror, he begins to realize himself as a separate person. If adults do not show that they appreciate and love the child for who he is, it will be difficult for him to learn to value himself. “Busy mothers often lack the time and sensitivity to capture the impulses emanating from the child and respond to his needs,” continues Marina Baskakova. “Instead, they are waiting for the child to perform certain functions: eat what they give, fall asleep at the appointed time. And get angry if he behaves in a wrong way. The idea is fixed in the mind of the child: in order for the mother (and later – the educator, teacher) to be satisfied, he should do what he is told, and not what he himself wants. You can not taste the earthworm, but you need to swallow the hated porridge. There are so many interesting things around, but they say: “Sit quietly!” Gradually, the requirements become more. The student must look neat. Girl – look seductive. A man is to be athletic.
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We protest against some orders, we obey others. It seems to us that you can earn approval only by bringing yourself into line with the models. So “we doom ourselves to constant dissatisfaction with ourselves, because we can never say: well, now I’m perfect,” emphasizes Marina Baskakova. The ideal is always something external to us. It is just as impossible to become one as it is to become someone else.
repressed desires
Ruffle the hair of a handsome stranger, push an old woman who ran over us with a cart in a supermarket, yawn sweetly at the board of directors … As much as we would like, we will not do this. The ability to suppress one’s impulses is a condition for existence in society. But sometimes this useful skill … hurts. “In my practice, I come across cases when a woman is unable to experience an orgasm because of the habit of controlling herself,” says Marina Baskakova. – Even in an intimate setting, she is afraid that she will look ugly or indecent. Fear is not realized, but it lives in the body, preventing natural breathing and movement. It takes therapeutic work to bring back spontaneity and freedom to experience pleasure.”
We suppress not only sexual impulses. Tobacco and alcohol, high-calorie foods, flavor enhancers… Civilization supplies temptations, culture condemns those who seduce them. We resist our desires, which are actively stimulated by the market. This constant conflict seems unresolvable. “It is unsolvable as long as we are outward-oriented and do not feel what is happening inside us,” states Marina Baskakova. “We live in an artificial environment and we will not return to ourselves the state of an animal that obeys only its own impulses and rests until hunger and the instinct of reproduction compel it to act. But it is in our power to regain our own (and not inspired) desires. To do this, you need to reconnect with the body, learn to capture your real needs and focus on yourself.
Between soul and machine
“The child does not separate himself from the body, he is the whole body,” Marina Baskakova notes. “But then a distance appears, we gradually begin to perceive the body as an instrument that should serve the interests of the individual.” A valve sewn into the heart prolongs our life, Botox smoothes out wrinkles, dental implants return a smile, breast implants add sex appeal. We are working to turn our body into a flawless mechanism. Are we in danger of losing our soul? The interest of cinema in this topic confirms its relevance. Film heroes (Robocop, Blade Runner, Bicentennial Man, Surrogates and other films) dream of gaining humanity.
“The body creates the basis of our self-perception,” emphasizes the Gestalt therapist. – By making a machine out of it, we deprive ourselves of naturalness. Like all mammals, we need bodily contact, touch, caress. So we pet animals, we hug each other.” But if a woman’s breasts, acquiring an ideal shape, lose sensitivity, it turns into an accessory like a handbag. “Changes in the body affect the personality. When there are too many of them or they are too sharp, self-identification can be disrupted: together with a part of the body, we lose part of our “I”, emphasizes Marina Baskakova. – This does not mean that you need to reject all the benefits of civilization. However, it is worth taking care of your well-being, freedom of movement and emotions, and not just your appearance. Only we ourselves can find a balance between what is given to us by nature and what culture and society offer.”
Maria Aronova, 40, actress of the Evg. Vakhtangov “If I start chasing a good figure, I’ll just die”
“I had two dreams – a thin waist and a long braid. The Lord gave neither one nor the other. This could, of course, turn into a terrible complex for me: any girl will start to go crazy if, for example, she has bad hair. She just needs to explain in time that this is not her trump card. And her trump card is humor, which, perhaps, a girl with a thick braid does not have. I was lucky – I have grandiose parents. They told me about me. And everything that I have, including the understanding of what is mine, what is not, came from them: these are their thoughts, feelings. If I had grown up in a vacuum or under total control, I would have grown up as a different person. But in our family, relationships were based on trust and respect. Mom said that the peacock is beautiful, but everyone goes under that tree where the nightingale sings – a gray bird. About who I am, what I am strong in and what I am not, where it is better for me to meddle and where not, I also learned from my artistic director Vladimir Ivanov. And that’s why I don’t go through the swamp. I understand perfectly well that if I start chasing a good figure, I will simply die. This is not my life. And I am the happiest person, because the most wonderful thing in life is to understand everything about yourself. Women who tirelessly fight for their appearance probably consider it their trump card. Others bet on something else and shape, shape themselves into something else. Of course, over time, thoughts about age willy-nilly come to the place of thoughts about appearance. The whole point is not to become their slave, to learn to accept changes simply because that’s how life works. It seems to me that I would rather spend my heart and energy on my children than on worries about the appearance of wrinkles.
Recorded by E.Z.
What to do?
Marina Baskakova offers two exercises to improve your connection with your body.
Feel
Settle in a secluded place, sit comfortably. Focus on yourself; allow yourself to watch the sensations arise. Cool or warm, perhaps a slight tingle… just watch. Allow yourself to treat bodily experiences with respect and approval. Now pay attention to the feet, how they rest on the floor. Hold on to these feelings for a while. Then feel other parts of the body under which there is support: it can be the buttocks, back, hands lying on the armrests or knees. You can slightly change the position of the body if you want to enhance these sensations or make them clearer.
Watch
Pay attention to your breathing: what is it like? This is a very important process. Feel the air you inhale and exhale. Is there a pause between inhalation and exhalation? Watch for a while as you breathe. See how your breathing and general condition change. Perhaps your breathing has deepened now, and your general condition has improved. If so, then you can continue to find time and space for these simple exercises.
Pass the tests
- What do you have special control over?