Assimilation (and imposition on the world) of narrativity and causality is a symptom of a disease whose name is the fear of multidimensionality. Like causality, narrativity has a chronological dimension and gives us a sense of the passage of time. Both causality and narrativity direct the temporal flow in one direction. However, memories and the timeline often get mixed up. Narrativity can have a detrimental effect on the memory of the past: facts that fit into the narrative are remembered firmly, and everything that seems to fall out of the causal chain is soon forgotten. Note that remembering an event, we always already know about its consequences. Analyzing the past, we literally cannot ignore the latest information. This elementary inability to remember not the true sequence of events, but our own reconstruction of them, leads to the fact that history seems to us in hindsight more understandable than it was — or is — in fact.
Taleb, Black Swan
Introduction
Question from a 17-year-old son: “Why do people even have children?”. Answer: “Differently. The tradition, “pension book”, is probably more often like that.” “Why did you have children? You do not know?» «I’m looking for words. Well, it’s like… creativity… to do something, to create…” In the meantime, there are fragments of beautiful thoughts about Maslow’s pyramid and not so beautiful thoughts about getting dogs in my head.
I am not interested in conducting surveys and finding out how people in a certain territory at a certain point in history explain their motives for having children. Firstly, as a practical psychologist, I do not see the use of this data in my work. Secondly, I think most likely the answers will be deliberately unreliable. As a rule, human behavior has many causes at the same time, some of which, moreover, are not recognized.
Successful sales and sales training practices know this well. Yes, a person usually thinks over the choice of a car or an apartment very rationally. At the same time, he may not be aware of why he has conceived a large purchase right now, why he gives priority to these particular criteria, relies on these opinions as expert opinions, etc., etc. Actually, active sales are based on this: their essence is the ability to systematically influence, first of all, the irrational components of the choice. With a competent, ethical active sale (when we want a loyal client, an adherent), the buyer is sure that he made the choice himself and precisely, logically explains why. I think the decision to have a child is a complete analogy.
We make a decision under the influence of a mixture of both rational and completely unconscious reasons. And then the brain instantly slips us a logical version.
By the way, such a logical lie can be not only beautiful and noble. Maybe “flying” + vague fears about pain, childlessness, the sinfulness of abortion, and the explanation “I love this man”, or “human life is sacred”. Or maybe it’s quite the opposite: “I, a fool, flew in, I missed the deadline,” although in fact … I knew about contraception and about the deadlines … And there was hope, obviously the most shaky, for marriage with my beloved.
Thirdly, in such surveys or interviews, I expect massively false memories. That is, even “at the moment” people are not very reliably aware of and rank the fullness of their motives when making a major life decision. And remembering a few years later, people naturally distort unambiguous facts. Look in textbooks on social psychology, how much you can «trust eyewitnesses» …
So, I don’t want to investigate the reasons why people around me give birth by statistical methods: I have nowhere to use these statistics in real work, besides, such statistics will be obviously unreliable.
And the question is interesting! For the first time in history, it’s actually physically possible for anyone not to have a baby if they don’t want to! Reliable contraception is available, and if it gives a «laid» failure (or is simply used free of charge), abortion is available.
As a former obstetrician-gynecologist who worked in the countryside for 7 years, incl. in a remote area, I will confidently say: yes, alas, abortion is a method of contraception there, but it is an affordable method. That is, with the exception of very rare incidents, today if a woman does not want, she will not have a child. Why does he want to? Woman, man, child? Second? .. Third? ..
Probably, the inertia of cultural tradition and the “pension book/glass of water” are powerful motives and are much more widespread in Russia than in developed capitalist countries. But stop! To abandon statistics, but at the same time to go into speculation (reasoning) is stupid. Like Wundt, I have — me. Let him not trained in Wundtian introspection. However, to a certain degree of certainty, I can recall and analyze my own motives. I’m interested in this kind of research. Perhaps it will be of interest to you too.
… It’s curious: I don’t even know exactly the motives of my own wife for the birth of our children. Desire early, persistent: exactly three.
Main part
Yesterday we were returning home with my 9-year-old daughter, I told her: “When we met my mother on February 23, in March we pushed each other into the same snowdrifts! We were going crazy, marching on the road! And in May we bought a stroller for Sasha.” So my first child Alexander, May 22, 1994
Marinka was 17, I was 22. We met through a newspaper ad that Marinka gave. The day before, I drank in the company, felt sad, well, that’s it. Both were immediately aimed at «relationships for life.» That is, we clearly understood that a) we like each other, b) relations can develop, develop, or not; c) 80 percent it depends on us: actions, actions. The leitmotif six months before the wedding “if everything goes well” described precisely these 3 points. Buying a pink summer stroller together while borrowing money from a mutual friend is definitely an act. Demonstration to each other of the seriousness of intentions. That is, children — we perceived as an obligatory part of a relationship for life, in which everything is fine. This is part of the general uncritically perceived parental values.
Tradition, and including the fact that there will be more than one child. Both my wife and I come from families with two children. There were two children in the families of my parents. But the wife’s parents are from large families: mom has two sisters, dad has five brothers and a sister. How did it affect that it was the wife who wanted three from the very beginning? Maybe not at all, but it would be interesting to trace the phrases and stories dropped in front of the girl — how it formed the image. In any case, I think the only reason why the wife’s parents limited themselves to two children is a room in a communal apartment. That is, one room in a communal apartment in which a diver lived with his wife, a kindergarten teacher, her mother and two daughters. THE USSR.
In addition to the role of tradition, I had and still have the idea that relationships should develop. And when they circle like a fly under the ceiling, then such «stability» leads to their fall. “Husband and wife” and everything connected with it is the development of relations, “mom and dad” is certainly the development of relations. Oh, yes, the birth of a child is not a tool for «strengthening» the family — I’m not talking about that. New social and mutual roles, a new joint business … So, the second reason is a picture of the world, a personal theory of the development of relations.
The very moment «it’s time» — «it’s not time» was chosen rather intuitively. We got married in August 91, finished our studies for a year, in 92 I went to work in Kholmogory, and my wife was a Decembrist with me, and in May 94 he himself conducted her birth … Here! The child is on the bus. I was riding in a crowded bus, they handed over the baby to hold on my knees, 1,5-2 years old … And I “hit”. Before that, from time to time they asked each other such … test questions: how, isn’t it time?
The third reason is the emotional desire to be the father of such a small creature. An association with a pet establishment? No, I never really wanted to, and in childhood they would not have been allowed. Yes, and rather, animals in an apartment are partly a surrogate for a native human being, rather than vice versa. I have no idea why. I imagined that such a toddler was mine, and I really liked it.
… Three years later we parted ways.
Anna, October 13, 1998 — Second child.
A relationship that started after a divorce. The world is crumbling. All. Relationships that I did not plan, but why not. Primary infertility: «I am a safe girl.» Well, for 5,5 years of work by this moment I knew very well that against the background of infertility, very even pregnancies occur. Even after sterilization. He clarified with her and with himself: what if? .. She wanted — with every new man.
I was in favor. Why not. First of all, I was in a crisis: indeed, all the supports and landmarks were lost. So why not have a baby. From a number of points: to enlist in the North (by the way, a little later I did this as well: as a doctor in the village of Leshukonskoye, the regional center, which can be reached by land transport 3 months a year). Change profession (went into sales).
And secondly … It seems that at that moment a completely Bernese script was launched. As a very insecure teenager, I imagined that I would marry a “fallen woman” type. Well, classic: the fear of not being needed finds an outlet in the “salvation” fantasy. My new friend — certainly a practical psychologist «in life» — definitely felt my request. And she vividly showed the corresponding facet of the truth about herself: the working outskirts, the encroachments of her stepfather, heroin, the police, a criminal lover, many lovers, the police chief is a lover, work by planting in cameras … At the same time, she is certainly a bright and intelligent personality, charismatic, sexy. Great manipulator. A self-made woman who grew up in a completely different culture and values. Years later, when I read Hassen’s «Liberation from Psychological Violence», about how people can fall under the influence of not only totalitarian organizations, but also individuals — with the same effects — well, yes, I scratched my head … So: well how could I compete for such a unique bright woman with a host of men who were in her life?! Of course, getting married, having a baby…
Pregnancy came in the third of our proximity; how badly we (both!) together, it became clear too quickly. So the second child is «desperation (oh, but we live alone! ..) and teenage script to win just such a woman — how? Having offered the most serious intentions, the child, incl.
And here it is interesting, what was the specific weight of the three other motives? Hurt your first wife? Prove to myself that I’m as wealthy as a man, what, yes right away — they want me and give birth to a child? Save yourself with responsibility, because he was really in such a rage that there were thoughts of suicide. Moreover, to associate yourself with a completely inappropriate woman in order to leave the opportunity to return? (For sure, I’m not fantasizing: these thoughts, at least, also flashed then). I would like to figure out with myself what statistical studies are here, the price for them …
The third child Anastasia, August 6, 2002.
… Well, yes, we have been with Marinka again for 12 years. How did you make the decision to have a new baby? I do not remember. By this time, we have already «got used to» again. Marina started to develop her small business, I studied to be a psychologist, conducted the first trainings and consultations, but so far I didn’t earn much money. Both had (and still have) the mindset that there is no “right” time to have a baby. You won’t guess: even if you calculate everything — bang, some kind of default. And vice versa: God will give the baby, and give the baby.
As for the first time, perhaps, they asked each other: is it time? .. Marinka had a criterion: when I would be completely confident in our relationship. For me still the birth of a child was a consequence and a way of developing relationships. And there was another important motive: following the desire of a beloved woman. This time I didn’t have a strong desire like the first time. But to make the woman next to me happier — yes. And now, rather, he looked carefully and saw that now — Marina really wants to. And that was the most important. Actively consulted with the elder: “What do you want? Do you understand that you will have less attention, time? .. »
I don’t even write here, what a sea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbjoy — then, when this little man is born, he becomes native. About the feeling that he has always been in your life, and how great it is. How strange at first to think of yourself as “daddy”, and then it’s not strange. How funny to try on a “dad with many children”, and then — well, yes, a large one. Dad. I write specifically about the motives for making a decision when I am unfamiliar with the future little man. While there is no one to love (I’m not an esoteric). So far, there is no living history of relationships from which real, not ecstatic, not projective love for your real child will be born.
Four, five is Alena and Lyudmila, December 30, 2009.
In obstetrics, there is such a turnover: «pregnancy planned, desired.» Not a tautology. Pregnancy m.b. desired, but unexpected. Sanka, it turned out, when the twins were almost a year old, thought that it happened. Well, yes: this time we did not consult with him. He would probably be against it: the first reaction to the news of the twins is — where are we all going to live here ?! Well, he has his own room … Of course, there is a lot of money, four of us would live noticeably freer than six of us. So what.
Of course, it is impossible to plan that there will be two at once. But this is happiness, joy and just luck. Being still in their right mind, we would not have dared to have a fourth common child later. And so — here they are!
The motives are interesting: it seems that everything came together here.
First, Marinkin’s installation on several children. She immediately, having given birth to Sasha, on Rakhmanov’s still bed, with sincere chagrin: “So sorry! I wanted us to have three! “And, probably, I won’t dare to give birth anymore: it hurts! ..” Well, according to the pull, one and a half days of contractions, primary and secondary weakness: a large fetus, how they managed without a caesarean. From time to time she raised the topic of foster children, i.e. let not give birth to a third, but grow. Plus, the motive of charity: there is such a thing, I knew whom I chose at 22! .. But here I have a mindset: if you can give birth to your own, it is better to give birth and raise your own.
O! Sounds like credo — no, only a personal choice to which I am entitled.
Suitable age: Marina 36; maybe later, but why?
My main motive was again following the deep desire of the woman you love. This is not boasting. Marinka wants very little from me in our life. Indeed, raising another child together is neither a sacrifice nor a feat. The crisis of 2008 was in full swing, with a predictable decline for years to come. The mood was not very good. Weird? But — one of the motives, yes: in defiance, against the wind. As there is in Litvak: «the principle of the spermatozoon.» When everything around is sour, to do something life-affirming in defiance of decay.
I had another personal crisis going on. It’s not like a midlife crisis. “Crisis of 30 years” and lived to the fullest in his time (with a change of profession, family, place of residence), and comprehended; is a good vaccine. But — the absence of significant meanings. It seems that I earn normally, I like work, everything is fine in the family … And what to live, what not to live — in general, it doesn’t matter. My teenage son tells me about his perception of life, and I, at 41, “and I have the same thing …”.
little child like binding to life, temporary meaning? Well, throw stones at me, «self-sufficient» …
Development of relationship with wife. But yes. Parents with many children are a qualitatively different state than parents of two children. Well, I don’t know how noticeable the divide between two and three is, but between two and four — how. A new wave of rapprochement. A sharp feeling of a lifelong bond: where are we going from each other now. This is much cooler than a wedding: four common children, two of which are just babies. That is, in general, you can easily “get away”, but specifically not her and not my case. It was not collected before, but now the ships have been burned. Well, and mirror repeated emotional impulsewhich prompted me to propose having my first child. This time, the wife was visiting Nastyushka with her classmate, who recently got her sister Sonechka. Marina and Nastya came completely imbued. What am I. I am for.
These are clear motives. Less obvious — feeling of youth. With kids, you feel like a young dad again. Time Machine. Was it really one of the motives? Perhaps in part; but it’s more of an added bonus. Great happiness — already with taste, gourmet, to live the night getting up, walking, diapers, smiles, first words.
Further more shaky assumptions. My character is rather soft, emotional. Introvert close to melancholic; INFP by Myers-Briggs; «Circle» with «Square» in second place according to Delinger. Hardly an accentuation, but the personality pattern is lability. In a word, and not proof whether five children to themselves and others »of your Awesome Masculinity? And in general vital solvency?
It is necessary to guess, but when I figure it out, there was somehow nowhere for this motive to manifest itself … Rather, it also came as a bonus after the fact. Much more illusory than the one above, but — yes, with all the self-irony, it also warms.
Still at the level of a working hypothesis: «compensation» by the birth of subsequent children of the «lost» first daughter (Her mom went to great lengths in her time, including—sorry-what-about-sad-tossing drugs to keep us from communicating). Psychoanalytic, beautiful… and also the version does not withstand the «edge of Occam» («no need to produce entities» — if something can be explained by simpler reasons, then this is more likely). As an internal additional support for decisions — perhaps that’s why we talk about «unconscious» motives, that they are beyond awareness. But if so, then as a «free application».
The theory that Weller develops, ripping off, it seems, from Nietzsche, about the desire «take maximum action»? «Self-actualization» Maslow? — and by the way, as an additional motive, quite. Or is there another word «creativity». Who doesn’t like this beautiful frame-frame for their actions.
As for the «pension book»… In no case, under no circumstances would I want to depend on the mercy and patience of my adult children. This is not my motive. By 44, you realize that life is very long. Nothing can be shrugged off. Probably, when adult children help old parents, this is normal; but it is not worth building any life calculations on this. We have not been living in a traditional society for a long time … and, from my point of view, there are more pluses than minuses in this.
It is logical in such an analysis to state the reasons for the wife’s decisions. But… I don’t want to ask. Everything I know about my beloved is because for her, first of all, children are part of self-actualization, self-realization, creation. If there is still a god(s), Mariska is their clear accomplice: an angel and a sun. I’m a fig tool here even for an interview, enthusiastic and biased.
Conclusions
For me, the description of making decisions about having children is a vivid illustration, how thin a film of rationality is actually value-based, emotionally conditioned. This becomes clear precisely in those classes of situations where freedom of choice appears. Just like in shopping, when a decision is made 70-90-100% emotionally, but instantly rationalized.
Children are happiness. Yes, it happens that way, but for someone at different periods of life, happiness is different: it is work, love, sex, regardless of love, comfort, peace, extreme … There is no objective need even have one child.
How to live in general. It seems to me that these are irrational values of the same order. To live or not to live. Live by finding meanings on your own or having the courage to live without meanings. Invest resources in yourself or not only in yourself. These are amazingly interesting existential choices for any person who does not live in a swoon, especially if you are in no hurry to grab the lifeline of religion (as I understand it, «existential» is a bashful euphemism for the obscene word «spiritual»).
Since I am an educated resident of Russia, earning above the average in my region, I think it is correct to assume that for other similar people, the decision on whether to have children and how many is never rational. This is something from the category of the famous «eternal questions» (to be or not to be, what is the meaning of life, whether to believe, etc.).
It is absolutely certain that we did not have “more children” due to “good incomes”. On the contrary: it is our earnings that we raise after the birth of children. In addition, the money going to children is the rejection of many other possible expenses.
So my assumption is precisely that for our contemporaries of reproductive age, living outside traditional societies, subject to legal capacity and regardless of the level of education and income, only the decision NOT to have children can be pragmatic and rational.
The decision to have children for them (us), without carrying real utilitarian, “economic” benefits, is a decision precisely and only existential (in this case, a complete synonym for “spiritual”) level.
And if the conclusion assumes the thesis as an instruction, here it is.
Sirs and serihis, don’t lie to yourself. Remember that all the situational and strategic life tasks that are solved by the birth of children are more economically solved in other ways; if it seems to you that this is not so, most likely you are in an illusion. And if after that you think about children and about how many, then this is your personal dialogue with life and / or with your religious ideas, that is, a decision at the level of the deepest values: meanings. Do not forget that your thoughtful remark in this dialogue ended exactly at the moment when it became too late to have an abortion. Then the actual life that you have irreversibly changed for yourself for a long time. Listen to your feelings for the next 20 years. You may like them and want to «catch up». I wish you success!