Fragile age: how to survive it for both the teenager himself and his parents

Parents of teenagers know that teenagers cannot be pressured, methods and methods of communication that were ideally suited just yesterday do not work with them. But there are also unobvious mistakes that even the most loving and caring moms and dads make from generation to generation. What are we doing wrong? And how – right? We’ll talk about this.

1. We ignore change.

Sometimes it’s hard for us, parents, to come to terms with the fact that the child is growing and changing, and we simply try not to notice it. In some cases, adolescents support the adult strategy. “Ira is 16, she is our late and only child,” says 54-year-old Anton. She has no friends among her peers. They go to theaters and concerts with their mother. The wife is glad, says: “But she is under supervision.”

Should parents be concerned that their children are slow to separate? “If excessive attachment to mom and dad prevents a child from fulfilling his social role, communicating with peers, you should pay attention to this,” says child psychologist Nikita Karpov, “for example, consult a specialist.”

But what if the adults themselves do not support the teenager’s desire to separate, to find his own way? “Sometimes a teenager agrees to such a relationship. Then all the psychological processes characteristic of adolescence are simply postponed until later. And they are much harder for him,” says psychologist Rufina Kashapova.

If the child has the strength to resist, he is overwhelmed with guilt. Stay loyal to the family system and slow down your development – or hurt loved ones, but become an adult? It is better not to put children in front of such a choice.

2. We protect the teenager from the consequences

“When I was the same age as my son is now, I cooked breakfast for myself, took care of the dog,” recalls 41-year-old Mikhail, the father of 13-year-old Pasha. “But he does nothing without reminders, he loses everything, he is late everywhere.”

At this age, the appearance of the child quickly acquires new features that speak of his maturity. Parents believe that internal changes towards maturity take place at the same pace. But is it?

“A teenager considers himself an adult, wants the same rights as the elders, but at the same time does not want to take responsibility. This is one of the main psychological conflicts of puberty,” explains clinical psychologist, Gestalt therapist Inga Kulikova. How can I help resolve it?

Adolescence is a time of heightened neuroplasticity, notes psychologist Lawrence Steinberg in Transition: Seize the Moment. This means that the adolescent brain is able to change under the influence of experience almost as much as it changed in the early years of life, when the child learned something new every day.

This property of the brain can be used to introduce a teenager to the concept of responsibility. Let him learn first hand what the consequences of his actions will be: if he didn’t set the alarm, he was late, he forgot his textbook, he got a bad mark. This tactic is suggested by family coach Amy McCready in her book Mom, Myself: How to Help Your Child Grow Independent.

Yes, the child will run into trouble, but this will teach him to take care of himself and calculate the results of his actions.

3. We are afraid of changes in their bodies.

Parents of teenagers are sometimes not prepared for the physical changes that come with puberty.

“When I was thirteen years old, dad constantly said: “You smell bad!” – recalls 22-year-old Oleg. “I was very ashamed and uncomfortable.” What does a child really hear when elders allow themselves such comments? “A teenager feels the tension of a growing body,” says Rufina Kashapova. “He is so afraid that something is wrong with him. And the parent confirms with his chuckles: “Yes, everything is not all right with you!” The child thinks: “I can’t cope with the situation myself, and the adult who should be on my side is not helping.” And this can cause him unbearable pain.

That’s why you should control your speech, even if you “just joked.” Rufina Kashapova explains: “It would be nice for a teenager to hear such a message from his parents at this moment: “We really see that you are growing up. Despite the fact that your body is changing and you yourself do not always understand what is happening, everything is fine with you. It is good if parents tell their children about how they themselves experienced the difficulties of puberty, and also try to maintain physical contact with a teenager. A hug, a kiss, an encouraging touch say better than words: “I am there, I accept and love you.”

4. We are jealous of their friends

Until recently, our son “wanted to be a pilot like dad”, and now he admires a classmate who runs a strange Youtube channel. We knew that sooner or later we would cease to be the center of his universe, but it is still not clear what to do with it. And the child’s friends are not trustworthy …

“In adolescence, parents “fall to the bottom” in terms of priorities, and peers rise to Olympus. If you try to forbid them to communicate, they will also board up the entrance to the room with boards,” warns Nikita Karpov. How to be?

If you want to share your opinion with your child, you should do it very carefully, perhaps in an interrogative form: “Doesn’t it seem strange to you that Petya doesn’t greet us, your parents?”

It also happens that adults try to be friends with the child’s peers. 15-year-old Arina says: “When my friends come to visit, my mother often sits with us. The girls are pleased, but I feel awkward.” Is it worth it to do so?

“If you like a child’s friends, if you know how to respect boundaries and know when it’s time to leave the room, that’s not bad,” says Nikita Karpov. – Try to answer the question: why do you need this communication? In 90% of cases, the honest answer is: to control the situation. As soon as they figure you out, wait for a reaction.

5. We ignore school problems.

“My 14-year-old son slipped into triples,” complains 39-year-old Anna. – Popular psychologists say: “Grades are not the main thing,” and I generally agree. Another thing worries: before, Andrei was interested in studying, but now it’s clearly not. ” Is it worth worrying about the lack of fives, or can you write off the problems in your studies as hormonal storms?

“Declining academic performance is a symptom that often hides something more,” Inga Kulikova emphasizes. – The true reason for the decline in interest in learning may be strained relationships in the family. And it’s not only about conflicts with the child, but also about how the parents are doing with each other.

Progress drops if the child has problems with friends, if there is bullying at school. A teenager may not be bullied himself, but the anxious atmosphere in the classroom will affect his condition as well.

“What seems like laziness to us may turn out to be a symptom of a serious illness, such as depression,” warns Inga Kulikova. “In order to rule out a diagnosis, complex assistance from a psychiatrist and a psychologist is needed.”

5. We want to be tough tin soldiers.

“I never thought that I would be so angry at my own daughter,” upset 35-year-old Inna, mother of 13-year-old Polina. – They say that you just have to wait a couple of years, and everything will work out. And I barely have the strength to survive another day.

Let’s remember the favorite metaphor of child psychologists: “put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on the child.” What does it mean? “If parents do not learn to take care of themselves, they will not have the strength and they will not be able to withstand the strong emotional reactions of a teenager,” Inga Kulikova insists.

It is good if adults are passionate about their work, if they have a hobby: their own interests will allow them not to interfere excessively in the life of a teenager.

But is it really necessary to always remain calm when a storm rages in the soul of a beloved child and periodically covers us with waves? “An adult is also a living person, he can withstand something, but not something,” recalls Inga Kulikova. It is useful for a teenager to realize that a parent is not omnipotent. This will teach him to accept both the strengths and weaknesses of the personality, to give himself the right to make a mistake.