Contents
Fear first. I’m afraid of… childbirth
How to deal with it? There are two options. It is good to check whether I am afraid of childbirth. Fear of childbirth is a socially permitted fear. You can be afraid of childbirth, but you should not be afraid of motherhood and a child. Therefore, there is often an unconscious fear associated with anxieties and uncertainty about future motherhood, which must be tied to something. And fear quickly becomes attached to childbirth, since it is allowed to be afraid of childbirth and pain.
Therefore, the first step is to check with a psychologist what the fear is about. We make two drawings. The first is “me and my baby”, referring to the postpartum situation. The second drawing is «birth». And comparing them, we look where there is fear. If the baby after childbirth is well and distinctly drawn, and the mother is also well drawn, then the fear is most likely not associated with the child and motherhood. And if there is no child, or it is drawn strangely, if there is no mother (that is, “I don’t know what will happen to me”), and the birth pattern is quite normal, without signs of fear, then it is quite possible that the fear of motherhood is masked by the fear of childbirth .
The second step is to get real information about childbirth. We paint childbirth as a terrible picture, usually saying that men do not know real pain, because they did not give birth. I don’t know if it’s dangerous or not to debunk this myth, but it always amused me that women actively support this myth. Yes, yes, the “terrible” and “terrible” pain in childbirth is a myth. And the reality is that childbirth is really hard bodily work, very uncomfortable, but it is normal human work. And in life, a person can experience much more serious pain, for example, pain from renal colic. Even a toothache is much more disgusting: firstly, it is more destructive, and secondly, it is continuous. And in childbirth, nothing hurts between contractions, it only hurts during a contraction, which lasts from 5 seconds (at the beginning of labor) to 1 minute (at the end). And this is a special pain — it has no aftereffect. And if you start counting, then no one has counted more than 40 minutes. That is, in childbirth, we have only 40 minutes of pain. And if we take into account the fact that in the first half of labor, contractions are not strong at all, then we will completely divide this figure in half. Of course, it happens that something goes wrong in childbirth, some kind of pathology occurs. But then there is anesthesia, which is successfully used in all modern clinics.
The third step is to understand if there is a real reason for the fear of childbirth. Indeed, it happens that there is either one’s own negative experience of childbirth, or something happened in the lives of close women and acquaintances. Then a psychologist can help deal with these fears.
Second fear. I’m afraid … not to cope with the role of a mother
Often such fear is experienced by women — perfectionists, who believe that they should cope with everything on 5+. And, accordingly, to raise an ideal child. But since there are no ideal children (and women understand this very well), they are afraid in advance that they will not cope.
Sometimes this state of helplessness is imposed by their own mothers or other relatives: “My mother copes well with everything, but she tells me that my hands are sewn to the wrong place. And all the time she laments: “how will you raise a child?”
Sometimes a woman is anxious simply because she is inherently an anxious person.
Well, the last option is the lack of experience, when a woman simply does not know how it should be at all and she gets the idea that motherhood is a super complicated matter.
In all cases, it is useful to discuss this fear with a psychologist. And then the joyful expectation of motherhood will come to the place of fear.
Third fear. I’m afraid… of my irritability
It all depends on the trimester of pregnancy. In the first trimester of pregnancy, a premenstrual condition may occur. This is due to hormonal changes. If a woman usually «bites» and becomes very irritable before her period, then you can quite expect that she will be irritable in the first trimester. You don’t need to do anything with it. Just see if there are real reasons for the irritability.
But if irritability lingers a lot, goes into the second trimester and starts to interfere a lot, then this is a reason to contact a psychologist. So, in life, something is not built that way. It is important to clarify for yourself the question: am I normally irritable or is there something wrong in my life?
Fourth fear. I’m afraid … that with the birth of a child, my life will change a lot
There is a lot to talk about here. And we must start with a modern model of what a modern person needs. If earlier the family and children were the main thing, today the picture has changed. First on the list of values - personal, professional life. And then a child. At the same time, the child is considered a mandatory number of the program (without him, the woman feels inferior), but it is he who, according to the woman, infringes on her in everything else. Unfortunately, this is a frequent model of modern motherhood. Of course, there are objective reasons for such a model. We have other values: self-realization, pleasure for oneself, career, but these values have become hypertrophied from normal ones. This is not even personal narcissism, but public narcissism. We have completely forgotten about such a thing that you can live not only for yourself, but also for others. We forgot that we do not exist on our own, but are links in one chain, and therefore our own interests cannot be more important than everything else.
We turn into stingy knights, for us the value of our personal, the satisfaction of our needs becomes the only goal, because we can’t get enough. There is no limit to what we can satisfy ourselves with. And from this position, the child can really become a hindrance.
But you can acquire another need — to satisfy another. And then everything will fall into place.
At the same time, the idea that the birth of a child will forever and irrevocably change life is not true. Yes, for a while there is a need to reorient your needs. Don’t even give them up. Moreover, it is wrong in principle to refuse your needs. After all, if a child grows up with the conviction that with his birth, his mother, as they say, buried herself, then what will grow out of him?
By the age of 3, a child should separate from his mother, understand that he has his own “I”. It is absolutely essential for personal development. And this is possible if mom teaches a positive example: “Look, I have my own “I”, and you have your own “I”.
In our center there is a training «Career and motherhood», which combines four areas: motherhood, marriage, her personality and professional (social) activities. Not everyone is engaged in a profession, but you need to be significant in society. It is important to establish a harmonious combination of these four areas. It is necessary to develop an algorithm on how to live fully, how to function without harming the child, for yourself, for your career. And then motherhood becomes not an obstacle, but an opportunity to grow even further.