Guilt, anxiety, and shame are barriers that prevent us from speaking freely before, during, and after sex. However, according to sexologists, anyone can master the art of erotic conversation.
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Some partners do not talk during intimacy, do not discuss their desires, and do not describe their feelings simply because it prevents them from focusing on sensations. If they start talking, their bodily sensations become less vivid. In this case, you should notify your partner about this. You have at your disposal non-verbal ways of expression: groans, sighs, interjections.
But what if we are simply embarrassed by talking before, during, and after sex? If we do not dare to utter the words that are just asking for the tongue? If we do not know what to say and how to say? If you are not sure about the partner’s reaction? Can all this be learned? Such a conversation is completely natural, sexologist Irina Panyukova reassures. In her opinion, anyone can master the art of erotic conversation. Here are some recommendations from a sexologist.
1. Have a rehearsal
Watch and listen to how the heroes of films speak on erotic topics, how they pronounce such words. Read erotic prose: say, such classics as “Dangerous Liaisons” by Choderlos de Laclos, “Lady Chatterley’s Lover” by David Herbert Lawrence, “Tropic of Cancer” by Henry Miller.
Feel the words that you think reflect your feelings, evoke an emotional response. Perhaps you will find some humorous phrases with a slight playful tone that will be easier to pronounce. You can read funny captions for erotic pictures on the Internet. Remember that humor always makes things easier when we find it difficult to do something because of guilt, anxiety, or shame.
In private, try to say these words or phrases out loud. Speak them with different intonations. Say several times in front of a mirror. Try to write them. Listen to what is happening inside you, what resonates more and what is easier for you to pronounce. Having tried and mastered these words, do not immediately say them to your partner, but first send them in a messenger or write on a postcard.
2. Make up your own stories
Write an erotic story or an erotic fairy tale. What does it give? On the one hand, you put your fantasies and thoughts into words, but at the same time, you seem to be writing not about yourself, but about fictional characters. This is how you remove the barriers of guilt and shame. You can write a story just for yourself. Or show your partner if you feel he will enjoy it.
Another option: if using some medical terms in a conversation with a partner seems emotionally emasculated to you, try to come up with your own names for your genitals together with him or give them names. You can come up with a fairy tale about these heroes. Names can be used not only in personal communication. A message like “Sly Fox sends greetings to Pioneer Petya” is sure to be met with laughter. This again helps to remove barriers, liberates both.
3. Approach from afar
It happens that we hesitate to talk freely about sex, because we are not sure that our partner will like it. In this case, try reading erotic prose together. Or send your partner a link to some erotic story, an article about erotica and ask him to read it. And then ask him what he thinks about it.
Watch a movie together where the characters are talking about erotic topics, and see how your partner reacts to this. If positive, take note and try using the same vocabulary. If it’s negative, then don’t do it. When you feel uncomfortable talking directly about your fantasies, do it in the form of a game of forfeits with a partner.
4. Go step by step
If it is very important for you to talk about your fantasies, and your partner is disgusted by this, you need to act patiently and methodically, gradually leading him to such conversations, and even more so, to the realization of fantasies in a form that is safe for him. For example, if you watched an erotic movie together and your partner was repulsed by it, discuss it in a playful way, and then return to this conversation from time to time. Then, for some solemn event, for example, for your birthday, ask your partner to give you a gift – to fulfill your fantasy.
Another option: in some special romantic setting, fulfill the desire of a partner, and then ask in return to do what you want. If he refuses, do not worry, do not despair, but kindly and calmly move in the chosen direction. In no case do not press, but look for an approach to it, best of all in a playful way, so that it does not look like violence. Offer to experiment, promising that no one will know about it: “Let’s play for three minutes, as if it were not us.”
The most important thing is not to dramatize the problem. We need to look for ways out of it – environmentally friendly, cheerful, with a sense of humor. If you find yourself “on the other side” when the partner began to tell you about his fantasies, and you are confused, remember that at this moment he is very vulnerable. Be delicate. But if his fantasy threatens your well-being (for example, it is associated with rudeness, violence, pain), firmly answer “no”.