Four ages of celibacy: why are we left alone?

1. 20 to 30 years old: carefree

At this age, girls and boys experience loneliness in the same way. They associate independent life with adventure and fun, surrounded by a “radiant halo”, in the words of 22-year-old Ilya. He admits: «On the weekends I usually meet a new girl, and sometimes two.» This is a time of love adventures, a rich sex life, seduction, and a variety of experiences. Youth lengthens, responsibility is postponed indefinitely.

Patrick Lemoine, psychoanalyst:

“Adolescence has always been a period of sexual education… for young men. But in the last 20-25 years, girls who have graduated from school but have not yet entered professional life have also gained access to sex. Young people still «enjoy freedom», but this previously exclusively male privilege is now available to both sexes. This is a joyful time of “primary loneliness”, when life together with a partner has not yet begun, although everyone already has plans to start a family and have children. Especially among women who still need a handsome prince as an ideal, despite more and more free relations with young men.

2. Immediately after 30: rush

By the age of 32, everything changes. Men and women experience loneliness differently. For women, the need to start a family and have children becomes more urgent. This is confirmed by 40-year-old Kira: “I enjoyed life, got to know a lot of men, experienced a romance that ended badly, and worked hard. But now I want to move on to something else. I do not want to spend evenings at the computer in an empty apartment at the age of XNUMX. I want a family, children…”

Young men also have this need, but they are ready to postpone its realization for the future and still perceive their loneliness with joy. «I’m not against children, but it’s too early to think about it,» says 28-year-old Boris.

Patrick Lemoine, psychoanalyst:

“Now the age of parents who have their first child is increasing. It’s about longer studies, increased well-being and an increase in average life expectancy. But biological changes did not occur, and the upper limit of childbearing age in women remained the same. So in women at 35, a real rush begins. Patients who come to see me are extremely worried that they are not “attached” yet. From this point of view, inequality between men and women persists.”

3. 35 to 45 years old: resistance

This age segment is characterized by the so-called «secondary» loneliness. People lived with someone together, got married, divorced, moved away… The difference between the sexes is still noticeable: there are more women who raise a child alone than single fathers. “I never aspired to live alone, let alone raise a child alone,” says Vera, a divorced 39-year-old mother of a three-year-old daughter. “If it wasn’t so difficult, I would have created a new family from tomorrow morning!” Lack of relationships is more often the lot of women. According to a poll by the Parship website, after a divorce, men find a partner on average after a year, women — after three years.

And yet the situation is changing. There are many «not full-time» bachelors and couples who do not live together, but meet regularly. Sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufman, in The Single Woman and Prince Charming, sees such «amorous romps» as an important hallmark of our future: «These ‘not lonely loners’ are trailblazers who don’t know it.»

Patrick Lemoine, psychoanalyst:

“The bachelor lifestyle is often found dotted among 40-50-year-olds. Living together is no longer perceived as a social norm, as a requirement from the outside, provided that the issue with children is resolved. Of course, this is not yet true for everyone, but this model is spreading. We calmly admit the possibility of several love stories one after another. Is this the result of progressive narcissism? For sure. But our entire society is built around narcissism, around the ideal of the realization of a superpowerful, unrestricted «I». And personal life is no exception.

4. After 50 years: demanding

For those who have reached the third and fourth age, loneliness is a sad reality, especially for women after fifty. More and more of them are left alone, and it becomes difficult for them to find a partner. At the same time, men of the same age are more likely to start a new life with a partner 10–15 years younger than themselves. On dating sites, users of this age (both men and women) put self-realization in the first place. 62-year-old Anna is categorical: “I don’t have much time to spend on someone who doesn’t suit me!”

Patrick Lemoine, psychoanalyst:

“The search for the ideal partner is common at any age, but in the final period of life it can become even more intense: with the experience of mistakes comes exactingness. So people even run the risk of prolonging unwanted loneliness by being overly picky… What surprises me is the pattern behind it all: we are now facing the archetype of “consistent polygamy”.

Several lives, several partners, and so on until the very end. A constant stay in a love relationship is seen as an indispensable condition for a high quality of life. This is the first time in the history of the human race that this has happened. Until now, old age has remained outside the romantic and sexual sphere.