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“I saw her and realized – this is fate.” Why do we fall in love with some at first sight and without looking back, while others do not reciprocate, although it would seem that we have so much in common? And how to understand that this is the love of your life?
Mankind has been struggling for many centuries to unravel the formula of love, trying to understand why the presence of a particular person can turn our lives around, why we fall in love with some and do not notice others, and whether it is possible to make someone fall in love with us. There are still no answers to these questions. Nevertheless, science has advanced far in studying the mechanisms of love. For example, I found out who we fall in love with more often.
So, the biologist Klaus Wedekind found a direct link between attraction and smell. As it turns out, we are drawn to those whose immune systems are different from ours. That is, nature gives us a signal – the offspring with this partner will be strong and beautiful. Therefore, the color of the hair, the shape of the eyes and lips, the natural smell, the pitch of the voice – all these physical features can become “identification marks” for the ideal partner, the most genetically harmonious couple.
Another important nuance in the birth of love is an emotional connection. Love arises from a feeling of closeness, which can be even stronger than physical attraction. And to better determine compatibility, you just need to show who you really are as quickly and honestly as possible. How to understand that your new relationship has a future?
Do opposites attract?
Are we more often attracted to “soul mates” or are we constantly confronted with our own antipodes? Experts believe that warm relationships are best formed by people who are similar to each other. This feeling of closeness, a certain similarity, warms up the relationship. “Shared views contribute to a better understanding of each other,” says psychologist Gian Gonzaga of the University of California. “And disagreements in the future become the cause of only a growing misunderstanding on both sides, which will have to be overcome all the time.”
Opposites can indeed attract thanks to the phenomenon of Michelangelo. Just as we define the ideal of a future partner, we create an image of our ideal self and sometimes unconsciously look for someone who would help us “sculpt” perfection out of ourselves. And we fall in love with a person who contains all the qualities that we lack in ourselves.
Attractive flaws
“Each of us, as a teenager, formed for ourselves a set of those character traits of other people, their values, preferences and behavior towards us that attract us,” says anthropologist Helen Fisher, “but at the same time, these traits do not have to be pleasant . Imagine a girl whose alcoholic father has thrown her life into chaos—she decides she will never marry such a man. Having matured, she does not choose an impulsive alcoholic as her husband, but marries a constantly busy actor. What was she looking for in a partner? She will not say that spontaneity, but she is so used to it. It’s part of her ideal.”
Falling in love, we may not notice the negative qualities of a partner, but with age and experience, our judgment will become more accurate and deep. “We can draw conclusions from small notes and guesses, based on the experience gained,” explains Gian Gonzaga. “For example, after breaking up after a long relationship or marriage, you will most likely feel insecure on a date, but you will have the experience to avoid problems and mistakes in a new relationship.”
Love does not tolerate fuss?
We don’t always fall in love at first sight, the feeling may come later. More often than not, sincere and strong relationships take time to develop. “Katya and I got jobs in the same company a month apart, and I immediately had the feeling that we could become good friends, but she worked in a different department,” Ivan recalls. – Once we met with her at a meeting, and I noticed in her purse a book by my favorite author. I asked her how she was, and her eyes lit up. Thus began our first conversation.
“Dating is an exciting event, because it is an instant assessment of each other. It is important not only to boldly declare your interests and tastes, but also to try to delve into others. This can be key in nascent relationships, as people tend to think that their view of the world is the only true one, says Gian Gonzaga. “So it’s not surprising when we immediately like a person who agrees with our opinion even more.”
Why not?
There can be many reasons why relationships do not work out, and all of them, of course, are individual. But if it seemed to you that you found the perfect couple, but the union did not work out, you may recognize yourself in these situations.
Do you have similar flaws?
Sometimes we meet people with whom we formally have a lot in common, we pursue similar goals and are proud of similar achievements, but on an intuitive level we feel some kind of flaw in them. Why is this happening? “We often project past experiences onto new people,” explains psychotherapist Toby Inham. “We have a tendency to interpret the behavior of others using our own ideas about life, filtering events through the filter of our experience – all this is the influence of our unconscious script.”
Antipathy can be caused by the fact that you recognize your own shortcomings in the rejected person. For example, a woman who constantly refuses men because they are “too cute.” In fact, it is her fear of looking weak that makes her suspect this quality in other people and judge them for it.
Are you afraid to open up
We always try to please new acquaintances, to make a good impression. For example, we come up with interesting hobbies for ourselves to attract attention at a party. This type of manipulation is usually harmless. Such people can be called approval seekers – they immediately calculate what the interlocutor likes, and adjust to his expectations and needs.
Approval hunters easily adapt in a group, immediately placing the members of the team to themselves. But when it comes to building deeper relationships, those who seek approval have a hard time: close, intimate communication is difficult for them. Their ability to quickly adapt to other people hides those of their true traits that they do not want to reveal. In a relationship, they are distrustful and suspicious, which prevents them from opening up to a loved one.
But in order to experience real feelings, you need to show your face. Only in this way will you be able to understand whether you are really suitable for each other.