The topic of protecting personal boundaries is popular, in demand, and understandable. Borders need to be protected, women are taught to protect their borders, and I am in favor of teaching them this. Something else is interesting: in my 30 years of practice, I have never (as far as I remember) used these concepts, using different terminology in similar cases. I constantly teach women the format, teach them how to follow the format — and I am sure that this is extremely important. Similarly, in the analysis of family conflicts, you constantly have to figure out where whose territory is — and agree that we do not manage on someone else’s territory.
I wonder what is the difference between these concepts: format, territory, borders? It is obvious that these concepts are close, very close — and it is also obvious that there is some difference between them. So, the difference between them is really very significant.
Format is a form of behavior and response that is mandatory for a certain range of situations. Being late for work is not a format at work, where it is customary not to be late. Cursing and assault is not a format for relationships in the family, if these are the relationships of civilized people. Format control is the requirement to comply with what must be observed. I didn’t warn you — you can’t swear. Yes?
My territory is a circle of affairs and a certain area where I am the master. How to solve my affairs at my work — I can consult with you, but I decide. This is my territory. But what you carry in your purse is none of my business, I have no right to poke my nose into it. This is your territory, only you decide on the contents of your handbag. And how to raise our children — only we decide together, and not one of us alone, no matter how convinced he is that he is right. Why? Because these are our children — this is our common territory.
But what are personal boundaries and how do we know that someone has violated them? And it’s simple — we just feel it. This irritation in our body that we begin to feel when someone comes too close to them, asks us about something that concerns us, when it does not concern him at all, maybe something is taken from us without asking or what something unceremoniously demands from us. This is all unpleasant, it gives rise to irritation or protest in us, and then we can defend our borders.
The mother-in-law throws her daughter-in-law in the direction: “Well, what a psychologist you are! What are you going to teach others if you can’t figure it out in your life! ” In this case, the daughter-in-law wants to protect herself from the attacks of her mother-in-law, because she is interfering in her own business.
Everything is so, only there is no violation of boundaries here. Here there is only the irritation of the daughter-in-law and her desire to besiege the mother-in-law, under which she is looking for a justification for courage: “She violated my boundaries!”.
But I love my wife’s parents, and when they suddenly grumble something in my direction, I only think about how great it is that they still have the strength to grumble, and God forbid that it be even longer! I don’t get annoyed with their grumblings, and I don’t feel the need to defend my boundaries in any way.
Then it seems that those who do not like others very much and have not yet got rid of their irritability seem to want to protect their borders. If her child runs to the same daughter-in-law, climbs on her lap, pulls her and drags her into her room: “Mom, look what I did!”, Our young mother will not remember any of her boundaries. She loves the child, she does not get annoyed with him, and then he does not seem to violate any of her boundaries.
Total: our body informs us about the violation of boundaries, we make a decision about the format, thinking with our heads. It seems that a reasonable person should be one who thinks, and establishing a format is a natural part of putting things in order. Taking care of the format is the right thing to do.
Why, at least outside of Syntone and the Syntone approach, are people less likely to talk about format, not agree on territory, and more likely to talk about breaking boundaries? All the time to think and take responsibility for your decisions — who is not accustomed to, who is not peculiar, but shifting responsibility from oneself to the body («It’s not me who decided, it’s my body talking! And the body doesn’t lie!») — it’s easier. Boundaries are usually spoken about by those who are not very friendly with the head and are more used to relying on their body. To notice important details in the behavior of a partner, to be able to respond to inattention so that it does not soon turn into indifference and rudeness is a job that is not familiar and too difficult for many. The strong and attentive talk about the format, civilized people negotiate relationships, and the inattentive and indecisive wait for signals from the body about violation of boundaries.
And how do you live? What will be in your vocabulary more often: format? Territory? Or breaking boundaries?
I suggest that we all learn to turn on the mind more often and not wait until the body, tired of our inattention, begins to send us signals about the violation of our personal boundaries. Turn on your head, gentlemen!