Contents
Sometimes the desire to reconcile with parents arises as a result of mature reflection and comes from the depths of our being. But sometimes we agree to forgive too hastily or for the wrong reasons. How to do it consciously?
Just wanting to grant forgiveness is not enough. To truly forgive your parents, you need to free yourself from feelings of guilt and pressure from others. Our culture favors forgiveness, which may be why we don’t talk much about the dangers of it being premature.
“In the mind of a child, parents are always right,” says psychoanalyst Gabriel Ruben. “A child who is mistreated believes that he himself is responsible for it. Often this imaginary responsibility becomes the cause of suffering for those who consider themselves guilty of imaginary mistakes and punish themselves for them in one way or another. By virtue of a strange shifter, it is usually the victim who takes on the guilt that the one who tormented him should have experienced.
The psychoanalyst advises: before forgiving, “first recognize yourself as a victim, that is, an innocent person who feels guilty. Otherwise, deep down you will continue to feel guilty.”
The same thing happens if the mistreatment was unintentional: the parents were not around, they were depressed or sick …
“For the unconscious, there is only inflicted suffering,” explains Gabriel Ruben. – Intentions do not matter, as in the case of the body: it does not take into account the intentions of the one who hurts him, on purpose or through oversight. It suffers, period. Only secondarily do we realize that the wound was inflicted on us by our parents, and then we suppress the feeling of hatred, which would otherwise turn to the “innocent aggressor”.
In our inner work, we must take into account our ambivalence about some things—for example, it is harder to forgive a parent who does not admit their mistakes—as well as the ability to stop, delay forgiveness, or even refuse it altogether.
1. Give yourself the right to choose
Even if we think we are ready to forgive, it is important to know from the start that not forgiving is also a legitimate choice. It doesn’t matter what the environment thinks about it: not forgiving is a freedom that everyone has the right to give themselves. This decision is not connected with an objective assessment of the severity of the damage, but only with our deepest feelings.
It is necessary to resist not only the “you must” coming from the environment, but also your own “I must”. Don’t give in to peer pressure or guilt. You are free to make your choice.
2. Give yourself time
Ill-treatment, whatever its nature, duration and motives, evokes deep and powerful feelings: fear, anger, hatred, pain, shame, despair… We could push them out, but their influence has not disappeared. It will take time to identify these feelings.
Ask yourself candidly: what do I really feel when I think about what I have experienced and about those for whom I experienced these difficult moments? Putting feelings into words: “I feel hatred”, “I am ashamed” is a necessary step towards a conscious decision.
It is easier to move on with the psychologist: we can establish a connection between the trials of the past and the suffering and failures in the present. To assess the damage done to us, we must give ourselves time. There is a difference between a person who has been hurt and beaten, and someone who, for example, has not been supported in choosing a career as an artist. Some sorrows, if rethought, can fade away by themselves over time.
3. Feel, not decree
Forgiveness is a narcissistic act, it elevates us in our own eyes. It also brings peace to relationships. These two arguments explain why forgiveness is often given prematurely. However, the joy it brings is short-lived. And you have to pay dearly for it if the process leading to a balanced decision has not gone through important stages.
In order to feel in complete peace of mind whether we want to forgive, we must first return to our history, go through all the stages of internal conflicts fueled by conflicting emotions and ambiguous desires – and maybe after all this we will decide that we do not want to forgive.
Whatever the decision, made after mature reflection and after inner work, we will experience it as fair and just. We will feel as if we have returned to ourselves, freed from obsessive thoughts and emotions, and we will no longer unwittingly build our whole life around another person. We no longer live in reaction mode, we are not in opposition, we are not looking for an opportunity to take revenge and we are not waiting for the other to do us justice.
“I am now free from all bitterness”
At 38, he learned that his father was not really his father. And the real father is a French teacher at the school where he studied. Almost the entire family knew about this secret. A serious injury that he managed to overcome.
“For ten years I did not speak to my mother, sister and brothers. We are all obsessed with Christian forgiveness, which tells us to erase the past like a sponge, and start life anew, as if nothing had happened. Meanwhile, leaving alone the one who harmed us is also one of the forms of forgiveness. Not so long ago I met my sister after a long break. We avoided talking about the past … And we had a good time together. I am now free from all bitterness towards my family. Although, of course, every case is different. I understand my biological father. It’s hard not to sin once in 40 years of marriage.
But I spent all my childhood with my mother. She is not only a person with her weaknesses, she is my mother! And so I want her to be perfect. This makes it difficult for me to forgive her: I must admit that this image is destroyed, just as my image of myself was destroyed by the news that I had a different father. My brothers and sister lied to me, but then I realized that in this deception there was a desire to protect me. The question of forgiveness is also the question of acknowledging what I have of them.
I had to say to myself: “Yes, I am also sentimental, like a mother. I love languages like my biological father, and I am different from my half-siblings on my mother’s side and from my biological father’s side. To not forgive means to hurt yourself. The older I get, the more I understand that we all need forgiveness, including myself: we all sometimes hurt without meaning to. I think I will soon decide to see my mother.
4. Show mercy
Parents can ask for forgiveness for suffering, either because of memories that make them feel guilty or in response to reproaches. Responding to their request for forgiveness without spending enough time on a mature decision is a temptation to give in to. Simply because even grown children lose their adulthood when interacting with their parents, they are overwhelmed by guilt, the fear of not being loved, or the desire to “save” their parent. However, the decision needs to be postponed.
You can tell your parents that we need time to think, or that we are not yet ready to forgive. This position aligns relationships and helps not to become hostages of their own emotions. It also makes sense to think about how we want to express our forgiveness or what words to refuse it, how to most accurately convey our feelings.
Forgiveness should not serve as a means to lessen the damage done or to justify the mother or father. And denial of forgiveness should not be a way to take revenge. It is also possible to forgive (or not forgive) an absent parent who is deceased or unaware of the injury inflicted on them. This symbolic act has the same consequences as forgiveness face to face.
You can write a letter and then save it or destroy it, talk to it while looking at a photo, express forgiveness out loud or silently … Whatever method we choose, we recognize true forgiveness after a while by the feeling of relief and comfort that it brings.
5. Stay master of the relationship
Forgiveness does not impose any obligations and does not give any rights to the one who is forgiven. The forgiver has every right to choose what kind of relationship he wants to establish in the future. All options are possible: no longer see your parents, move away or become closer. It makes sense to focus on what we consider right for ourselves, without making excuses. This line of behavior makes us masters of the situation, who respect themselves and inspire respect from others.
6. Live by forgiving
Contrary to what is commonly thought, the fact of forgiveness does not immediately fill us with jubilation. Often, on the contrary, a feeling of emptiness comes, because anger, hatred, bitterness are strong feelings that take a lot of strength and attention, they could give meaning and purpose to our life.
So their disappearance can leave us confused, with a sense of loss. Then there is nothing left but to overcome this stage, which in itself is a form of recovery. Then we can invest the newly acquired life energy into something new, such as a job or a relationship.
Finally, we must always remember that forgiveness given too hastily can be withdrawn in the future, just as we may eventually decide to give forgiveness, which we have long denied parents. This way we can keep in touch with our feelings and desires.