Contents
Forgiving does not mean forgetting, but accepting what happened without hurting
Psychology
The psychologist Ana de la Mata says that forgiving a process that takes time, but not doing it has consequences, especially for the well-being of oneself
At some point we have all held a grudge against someone for something he has done to us. Perhaps a family member, a friend, an acquaintance or our partner made us feel bad at one point and it has cost us heaven and earth to forgive. But to this work of forgiveness we must add an extra work: forget.
According to Ana de la Mata, a psychologist at the Cepsim psychological center, we stop experiencing anger, fear, sadness, guilt or shame towards ourselves or towards other people when we forgive. «We aspire to transform that suffering and then we experience compassion, which will enable us to pose a reality of greater complexity“, He says. The expert says that, when we forgive, we stop thinking about ourselves and our perpetrator and the world stop looking like a hostile, dangerous, unjust place or in front of which we plan a revenge: «When we forgive there are no good and bad and we give way to a reality full not only of shades of gray, but of colors and possibilities ».
All this implies to stop carrying out actions that seek revenge to punish; we will stop protesting claiming what we did not have or was not and we redirect ourselves towards all those possibilities that have opened up connecting with positive psychological states.
The grudge
Forgiving is a process that takes time, but not doing it has consequences, especially for the well-being of oneself. In the words of the psychologist Ana de la Mata, it means that “we keep the wound open and the pain that accompanies it, and it will mean that we have remained anchored to these experiences.”
«It is usual that let’s relate forgiveness to reconciliation. Reconciliation is an interpersonal process that involves reestablishing or repairing a relationship in which the aggrieved rebuilds the lost confidence and the perpetrator recognizes the mistakes made and takes measures to correct or amend the damage caused, ”he explains. However, he says, forgiving is an individual process that has to do with diminishing the resentment one feels without the need for the perpetrator’s participation: «Forgiveness takes effort to see with benevolence and love who wronged us and to accept the parts of ourselves that at some point we reject, ”says Ana de la Mata.
What if I can’t forgive?
The forgiveness process first requires a time in which the person experiences and connects with the negative consequences of what has happened to them. It is necessary to experience a series of emotional reactions such as anger, sadness, guilt, shame or fear, as stated above. The psychologist Ana de la Mata explains that being aware of pain “works as a motor for us to move to another emotional place, so that we do not get chronically hooked on what happened and we can be in the present.”
«The act of forgiving requires a bonding support that allows us to create new psychic conditions with a person with whom to build a bond of trust who knows and understands what our suffering is. Ana de la Mata says that it must be someone who understands that after a difficult experience we can be on the defensive, but that normality can also be restored. “You must understand that you have experienced and transformed your painful experience into altruism and that you have a desire to help the other by sharing what you understood from your experience of suffering,” he explains.
In any case, forgiving does not mean restore relationship with the perpetrator, nor forgetting the injury received, but moving beyond the pain, rebuilding our lives without being anchored to the past. The psychologist Ana de la Mata believes that forgiving someone something allows us to continue with our life and overcome painful events strengthened or transformed.
A liberating act
Can you visualize the moment when you accepted an apology from someone who had hurt you? Accepting and forgiving them does not imply forgetting what we suffer, but to continue enjoying things good while being in contact with the pain that that caused us. Specialist Ana de la Mata says that not forgetting is normal, but that the important thing is knowing how to forgive: «In many cases forgetting could lead us to deny that what happened to us was important and caused us pain or to justify the perpetrator, therefore that forgiving will free us from suffering.