To forgive means to forget, to erase what happened from memory? Not at all. To ask for forgiveness – does it mean to remove the burden from the soul? And again no. Forgiveness is a much more difficult but necessary process.
The topic of forgiveness sooner or later arises in the life of every adult. We live: we act, we enter into relationships, we realize our plans – and in this movement we find ourselves on one side, then on the other side of situations where forgiveness is necessary.
We can be guilty of something and expect to be forgiven, or we can be victims who blame or want to forgive the offender. And no matter which side we find ourselves on, the topic of forgiveness often becomes painful and difficult, because it causes a lot of strong feelings: pain, resentment, anger, bitterness, shame, anger, helplessness.
Asking for forgiveness and forgiving are serious personal tasks. Solving them, we have to recognize the imperfection of this world and our own imperfection. Recognizing that the past cannot be changed, no one is immune from pain, justice does not always triumph, and being good is not a guarantee that nothing will happen to us.
But not fulfilling these tasks, denying one’s guilt, not forgiving and living with an eternal sense of resentment means dooming oneself to taking a large amount of energy and strength from the present and spending it on the past.
Unrecognized guilt, imperfect remorse, unforgiven resentment, the desire for revenge, endless attempts to figure out why this happened to us – all this corrodes the soul, makes it frozen and tired.
Asking for forgiveness – what does it mean?
First of all, understand your guilt and admit it. Not abstract (“forgive me for everything”), vague and little conscious (“if I am to blame for something, forgive me”), but quite real and tangible – “I am to blame for this”, “I know that I hurt when he did so…”
Understanding what exactly we did, what damage we caused, how bad it is for another from our actions, and regretting this is a serious act of self-awareness.
And while there is no honest admission of one’s guilt, all words about forgiveness are only an attempt to relieve oneself of the burden of unpleasant experiences, and not deep regret for the pain of another. Feel the difference between “I’m sorry you feel bad” and “It’s hard for me to carry my weight of guilt.”
Asking for forgiveness is a willingness to endure guilt, to be responsible for your actions, and a bitter understanding that you can be the source of someone’s pain. This is the recognition of one’s own imperfection and one’s shadow sides, the determination to correct mistakes.
Truly forgiving does not mean accepting what happened, trusting the offender, repairing the relationship, getting justice, or receiving satisfaction. This does not mean betraying yourself or forgetting what happened. It does not even mean responding to a request for forgiveness (the wrongdoer may never ask for forgiveness).
Forgiveness, according to the definition of dictionaries, is the absolution of guilt and release from punishment. And in this definition there is not a word about consent, restored justice, about “pretending that nothing happened.” But only about the fact that I let go and free, that is, in fact, I cease to participate in what happened.
Forgiveness is a decision to live with your scars
Forgiveness is when we say to ourselves: “Yes, it happened, and you can’t change it. It caused me great harm and pain, but I decide to leave the past behind. I give responsibility for what happened to the one who did it, and I take responsibility for how I will live with it.
Forgiveness is, in the words of The First New Universe author Heidi Priebe, a decision to live with your scars. And the willingness to take care of your wounds, I might add. Not denying their existence and not expecting someone else to do it.
To truly ask for forgiveness and forgiveness is to take responsibility: as the culprit for the deed and the damage caused, as the victim for your own recovery and the decision to look forward, not backward.
This path, from guilt to confession or from suffering to readiness to live on, is not easy, often painful and painful. It may be long. But this path is worth it.
After all, guilt or suffering alone does not define our lives. It is determined by what we do with them, how we manage. And this is our freedom.
About the Developer
Vladislav Sorokopudov — psychologist, existential psychotherapist, logotherapist, member of the All-Russian Professional Psychotherapeutic League.