By forgiving someone who has hurt us, we often make up for the damage done to our self-esteem with our grand gesture. Can such self-affirmation be considered forgiveness — and what is forgiveness for real?
Sometimes talking about forgiving someone makes me numb. There is often too much pathos around forgiveness. Recently, I heard about «radical forgiveness» that brings peace and tranquility, and even about special «forgiveness questionnaires» and «letters of liberation.» I saw one of these letters, replete with the words «God», «the universe», «healing», «gratitude to the offender», «acceptance of the imperfection of the other» and so on.
The gaze here clings to the fact that it is proposed to accept someone else’s imperfection. I think that a sinless, ideal person (more precisely, who considers himself such) cannot forgive. He can only forgive sins. For me, these are very different concepts — forgiveness and remission of sins. In the first case, the two are equal. In the second, there is one who has the power to let go, and one who is dependent.
It seems that it is this substitution of forgiveness for the remission of sins that angers me. It is pleasant to let go of other people’s sins: the sin is not yours, and you feel at your best. Forgiveness turns into a great beneficence and spiritual feat, and the holiness of the benefactor suffocates everything “wrong” – and living. Hence the indispensable conviction of some «radical forgivers» that forgiveness certainly brings love and happiness with it. Yeah, they forgave the maniac-killer who did not ask for forgiveness — and then love and happiness …
For me, forgiveness is simply letting go, not replacing anger and anger with “love” and “happiness.” Forgiveness is the termination of the obligations of the «guilty» to the one who forgives. You don’t expect a forgiven person to owe you something: to compensate for harm, to atone for guilt, to behave differently towards us. Nothing. And what has come to replace anger and resentment is another question. Maybe nothing will come.
It seems to me that the concept of «forgiveness» has at least three meanings:
Forgiveness is the remission of sins. “I forgive you and accept your imperfection. Don’t act like that again!»
Forgiveness is humility. “I don’t hold a grudge against you, but I don’t have warmth left …” There is a lot of sadness in humility: anger and pain go away, but relationships break up.
Forgiveness is reconciliation. “I had a lot of anger and pain, but now I feel that I also have warmth for you.” Relationships persist and even acquire a new quality.
- «I’m sorry»: how to apologize correctly
The possibility of forgiveness — of oneself, parents, loved ones, friends — exists when, in my opinion, the following three conditions are met:
A) Acceptance and recognition of one’s own and others’ imperfections. “You are in some ways the same as me, and I am in some ways the same as you.” You realize someone else’s imperfection when you come into contact with someone else’s life: a personal history with its joy and pain. Your own — when you do not close your eyes to your own unsightly sides. That you yourself can lie, betray, not keep your word. When you accept the non-ideality of another, you have to admit that the other person in relation to you can behave as you like. Just because it’s not perfect. There will be less resentment.
- On whom do we take offense?
B) Acceptance and recognition of all emotions that exist in relation to the “offender” or to the “offended”. Swallowed anger or shame does not contribute to the ability to look a person straight in the face. Before letting go of anger, it would be good to release it: talking about yourself, about your condition and feelings, swearing, shouting — but not trying to hit the one who listens to it harder.
C) reciprocity. Forgiveness-reconciliation is a two-way process. Reconciliation is difficult if the other person is in righteous anger and wants revenge.
For forgiveness-reconciliation, it is important not for the “offender” to admit his guilt, but for the recognition that he, too, is worried about what happened. If we insist on the other asking for forgiveness, apologizing and «guilty» — we go into «absolution» mode. For example, I don’t like it when someone tries to force me to admit guilt. «I’m guilty, forgive me, I won’t do it again!» — sounds childish, besides, it gives the one to whom it is said parental authority. But “I am very sorry about what I did” sounds completely different.
And finally, forgiveness is hardly a one-time and obligatory act: it is impossible to work it out according to the instructions. This is a natural process, closely related to personal development, and it is useless to accelerate it.