Is it necessary to forgive someone who does not ask for it? Can you force yourself to forgive the offender? And what advice is appropriate in such cases?
He didn’t ask for forgiveness…
“My older sister said hurtful things to me some time ago,” says Sasha, 22. Now he talks like nothing happened. She only said that she was not going to ask for forgiveness. Mom thinks I should stop pouting, because she is my sister, there is no one dearer, and I will become even better from this, I will rise spiritually … But how can I forgive someone who does not ask for this?
So is it possible — and is it necessary — to forgive those who do not experience any pangs of conscience? Harriet Lerner, psychologist and author of I’ll Fix It. The subtle art of reconciliation”, believes that such an approach will not bring satisfaction to the one who was offended. In addition, by “forgiving” someone who does not think that he is to blame for something, we will not allow him to learn important lessons and become better.
A clinical psychologist quotes psychologist Janice Abrams Spring in his book as an answer to this question. “By forgiving an offender who does not feel remorse, we do not enrich our humanity. It is he who regains his humanity as he works to earn our forgiveness.»
So why deprive another of the opportunity for spiritual development? He makes no effort to win back your loyalty, and that is his right. But you can live in peace with yourself, even if justice has not been done.
Sorry can’t let go
“My parents divorced when I was 11,” says Oleg, 57. Dad left for another city without leaving his address. Since then, we have never seen each other, not even talked on the phone. I did not understand why he refused me, I wanted to find him.
After 15 years, I found his distant relatives, they said that dad had died a couple of years before. I understand that it is impossible to change anything, and I know that it is pointless to be offended by him. But I couldn’t forgive my father…”
Anger and bitterness, which we have not lived through and experienced, have a detrimental effect on our well-being and on our creativity. These feelings constantly bring us back to the past: experiencing them, we are not able to sincerely enjoy the present and make grandiose plans for the future.
And the hardest thing is for those of us whose offender will never apologize, never understand how much he hurt the feelings of another person.
If forgiveness is not possible, you can try to let go of the situation. What does it mean? The ability to let go, according to Harriet Lerner, «does not mean either forgiveness, or forgetting, or whitewashing the bad behavior of another person.» Rather, it is «the ability to protect oneself from the corrosive influence of malice.»
The author of the book suggests rethinking your attitude to the situation if you cannot influence it. “To get rid of anger and hatred, you need to give up hope for a different past and hope for an imagined future,” Harriet Lerner is sure.
Bad advice
“My friend borrowed a large amount from me, and then disappeared from the radar,” says Inna, 25. “Our mutual acquaintances are sure that I should forgive her. They say that it will be easier for me, because I have already lived without this money for two years, which means I have coped with the situation. They advise to “forgive for yourself”, but these conversations are very annoying!”
What to do if you are close to someone who is experiencing difficult feelings? Should we offer him strategies that seem right to us?
At such moments, we are required, rather, delicacy. As well as the ability to share one’s thoughts without imposing one’s point of view on another, the author of the book is sure.
“It is one thing to tell a person that you hope that he will find a way to understand his feelings and get rid of excruciating anger and pain. It’s quite another thing to say that he must forgive the offender and overcome his anger with an effort of will, ”says Harriet Lerner. Such pressure will not speed up the process of forgiveness in any way, but it will naturally turn against you a person who is already having a hard time.
“For me, the word “forgiveness” is tantamount to the word “respect.” Such feelings do not arise by order or demand, they cannot be forced or given without a reason, ”the author of the book explains his point of view.
Therefore, if you, for example, are an adherent of the theory of radical forgiveness, you can share your ideas with those who ask for it. But to assure, especially without a request, that this is the only sure way to get rid of grievances is definitely not worth it.
Forgiveness percentage
“When my husband cheated on me with our mutual friend, he himself confessed. I was ready to change and work on myself,” says Alice, 32 years old. — At the same time, it seemed to me that I should either forgive him once and for all and reconcile with him, or not forgive him at all — and disperse.
I experienced a whole gamut of feelings: I hated him because he allowed what happened, but I saw that he was suffering and felt sorry for him. I was ready to forgive him the very fact of betrayal, but I could not forget that he had been lying to me for six months … These mixed feelings only added to the pain.
The idea that forgiveness can only be global, all-encompassing is firmly rooted in our minds. We get upset, disappointed in ourselves, when we feel that it is not completely possible to forgive the other.
“But you can forgive a person 95 percent, 2 percent, or any degree,” writes Harriet Lerner. In her opinion, it is not necessary «to give up your anger in order to save the family and experience love for a partner.»
The author recalls that one can love and even respect the one who offended us, without forgiving any of his actions or inactions. Such ambivalence will not make us less whole, but it can give us strength and courage.
With this approach, it is much easier to move to the active actions to restore the relationship that your abuser initiates. If you see that he is trying, you understand that he is ready to take an active part in healing the wounds inflicted on him, you may well forgive some of his actions, and postpone the issue of others until better times.
“As a general rule, it’s worth taking the olive branch of the world, even if, deep down, some aspects of an apology do not suit you,” Harriet Lerner is sure.
The material was prepared according to the book by Harriet Lerner “I’ll fix it. The subtle art of reconciliation” (Peter, 2019).