Forbidden Fruit: When there is no right to love

Almost everyone once encounters an attraction that is unacceptable from the point of view of society. Society has imposed a taboo on such relationships, although many tacitly agree that this is acceptable for them.

Alena, 29, says: “After graduating from the institute, I started working at the department, and very soon I developed a particularly close relationship with one of my students. I also felt his mutual interest, he always sat in the front row, was the most active at the seminars. I thought about him constantly.

I don’t know how this story would have ended, because we had a small age difference. It helped that I soon left teaching for another field, and this young man and I lost sight of each other.”

In addition, socially taboo relationships often suggest that the participants themselves do not fully know the whole truth about each other.

“Allowing themselves to enter the socially forbidden field, people often fall into their own traps,” notes psychologist Marina Myaus. – So, adding a third person to the sexual life of their couple, they run the risk of encountering jealousy. What seemed like a harmless game suddenly turns into strong feelings of one of the participants in the triangle.

Thirty-year-old Olga talks about a similar experience: “When a relationship broke out with my friend’s husband, she justified herself by saying that we were not so close to her, otherwise I would not have gone for it. And then it turned out that the friend knew about everything – her husband told her.

I was just drawn into the game that was going on between them. And when everything was revealed, I felt humiliated by the fact that this couple seemed to be using me for their sexual arousal.

What is behind the desire?

If you don’t want to let these feelings into your life, the most important step is to understand what lies behind them. What do you really want?

Perhaps you want to take revenge on a person for the offenses you have caused, or you are internally competing with him, and this explains your interest in his partner. Or you feel acute loneliness, and the one to whom you are attracted, just answered you with attention.

It is important to weigh the pros and cons: are you ready for the possible consequences if you decide to take a conditionally forbidden step. If you admit to yourself that you do not want to lose your friendship, job, social circle because of this, you should not do this.

Getting rid of addiction

Clear boundaries

“The twelve-step program, which is usually associated with the treatment of alcoholism, helps in getting rid of any addiction, including painful attachments,” says Marina Myaus. – It is important to recognize the person to whom we experience an unacceptable attraction as our “drug”. You can get rid of it by setting rigid boundaries, writing them down point by point.”

Distance

It makes sense to move away from the object of your interest as far as possible in the shortest possible time. If for this it is necessary to quit your job or at least temporarily interrupt relations with a friend or girlfriend, you must do this without allowing any excuses.

Thoughtful schedule

It is necessary to think over and write down what you will do if a person calls you or mutual acquaintances start talking about him. Analyze what inner state makes you think about him and pushes you to a meeting.

Most likely, the availability of free time and alcohol can again drag you into the trap of painful attraction. Therefore, it is important to decide in advance how you will switch attention and become as busy as possible.

Object change

Just as chemical or food addictions are replaced with healthy ones, so you can try to find a hobby that replenishes the bright internal drive that a person aroused in you.

Often these are active sports: surfing, skiing, skydiving – everything that can also trigger an adrenaline wave and partly compensate for lost emotions.