Teenagers are in dire need of authority and some kind of guidance in the world. Therefore, it is so important for them to feel that their parents are confident in themselves and broadcast this confidence to others.
One person who recently emigrated to another country was in a state of great confusion. There was an unexpected turning point in his relationship with his teenage son after they emigrated. It cannot be said that even before emigration they were very easy, but they were at least understandable to the father: from the age of thirteen, the son constantly fought with his parents for the right to decide everything independently in his life, and sometimes this took on the character of sharp conflicts. Father constantly reminded himself that this was just a feature of adolescence, that this was natural behavior, he did not allow himself any reciprocal emotional breakdowns, he was attentive and loving, but he never made concessions in something important if he considered himself right. He carried himself during such clashes with the calm and firm confidence of a man convinced not only that he was right, but also that his son could understand his arguments if he was not completely dominated by aggressive self-affirmation. When the son’s stubbornness went beyond the limits and he began to be rude, the father calmly said: “No, we won’t talk like that”, interrupted the conversation, which took the form of a scandal, and after a while the son calmed down and was ready for a normal dialogue.
In those cases when the son was completely wrong, sometimes he was finally able to be convinced, sometimes showing him the funny sides of his stubbornness. Sometimes the demands and statements of the son, even made in a harsh form, seemed fair to the father, and he was not afraid to admit it. As a result, their emotional closeness was preserved, and it seemed to the father that it was not violated even at the moment of acute conflicts.
- Teenager no longer wants to vacation with us
After emigration, when the son was already fifteen, their relationship suddenly broke down. Not that open conflicts became more frequent, but there was a change that was more distressing for the father: the son began to show unusual alienation, he withdrew into himself, and this happened just when the father himself most needed emotional help. In the new homeland, everything had to be started from scratch, the work found right away did not correspond to either his education or his intellectual level and ambitions. He hoped that he would eventually return to his profession, but he did not have full confidence in this and every day brought disappointments and sorrows, which he did not hide from his family members. He lived with a sense of defeat and tried all the time to overcome it, but it was not possible …
Perhaps that is why the style of relations with his son has changed. During conflicts with him, the father either showed an uncharacteristic temper and intolerance for him, or unexpectedly waved his hand at everything and retreated, fearing that it was his outbursts of anger that were unusual for his son that led to alienation, and then was surprised that his complaisance did not correct anything.
- In search of parental authority
Why did this happen?
Behind his outbursts of anger and demands for unconditional obedience, as well as behind his unexpected concessions, the son felt weak, unsure of himself.
For teenagers at the time of their self-affirmation in the world, faith in the strength and personal dignity of their parents is very important; because no matter how defiantly they behave, in the depths of their souls they are not sure of their abilities. When parents give in to them in what children are obviously wrong and fight only out of principle in order to prove their independence, this causes teenagers to feel the weakness of their parents.
For them, this is more terrible and more painful than their own defeat, because confidence in the strength and rightness of their parents is their hope and support in attempts to assert themselves in the world.
It seems like a paradox: they expect a show of strength from those they challenge. But they challenge those they love and whose love and support they ultimately count on. They expect their parents to “take a hit”, only then they can be hoped for.