Contents
“For many women, penetration is not the most pleasant thing in sex”
Sexuality
Let’s face it: the taboo around sex it rises little by little, but our way of understanding and living it is influenced by the usual prejudices … and this will continue if we continue to inform ourselves through ‘mainstream porn’, romantic movies or whatever we find on the internet. We urgently need to unlearn what we have learned to focus on the only thing that matters: feeling comfortable, safe and enjoy to the fullest.
From there it is born ‘Nice to meet me‘, a book written by Cristina Callao, a psychologist and sexologist specializing in erotic growth, sexual education and couple therapy and illustrated by Carolina de Prada, who invites us to explore ourselves without fear, because in sex there are no closed answers, but everything starts from knowing and loving ourselves as we are. With tests, tips and humor worthy of a best friend, it helps us shed false beliefs and provides us with all the tools to cultivate our erotic imaginary and live an empowered, full and free sexuality, in addition to helping us learn about everything that we do not know in the sexual sphere.
It is believed that the goal of having sex is orgasm … How much ignorance is there about this?
Yes, we have learned that the purpose of sex is penetration and orgasm. This is called the tunnel effect, that is, ‘everything that begins, ends’ or ‘all or nothing’. When we focus on achieving orgasm, we lose sight of the present moment, the enjoyment, the pleasure. If we do not arrive, we get frustrated, we worry, we do not value the interaction we have had, because the ‘result’ has not been what was expected.
Orgasm is important but it should not be the epicenter of your sexual relationships. There are many factors that can interfere in its achievement such as little knowledge of one’s own pleasure, worries, insecurities, fear and ignorance, myths about sexuality, being aware of the pleasure of the other person or being in the mind and not in the sensations of your own body, for example. You learn to have orgasms, that is a reality. As is the fact that the purpose of sex is multiple: pleasure, satisfaction, connection or well-being.
Since orgasm is not the epicenter, what stages of human sexual response do we go through during sex?
There are five stages within the human sexual response. The first is desire, the invitation, through thoughts, emotions and sensations, to initiate sexual activity. The following is the excitement, which would be the physiological manifestation of that desire, for example with increased heart rate, erection of the clitoris and penis, lubrication, among others.
The third is the plateau that would be the prelude to orgasmIn this phase, we can observe pre-orgasmic sensations and a very high level of excitement. The orgasm, that is, the fourth, would occur when the person is carried away by this accumulation of sexual tension and surrenders to pleasure, reaching the climax.
I would like to clarify that orgasm occurs in the brain, although there can be many ways to achieve it. In women there is no unique pattern of orgasm response, but there are women who experience explosive orgasms of great intensity and others who are able to continue with the stimulation and have multiple orgasms.
Finally we have the phase of resolution, where the body progressively recovers its basal levels.
We women have a reputation for having faked at least one orgasm … Why do we do this?
Because we have centralized sexual relations in the penetration. We have understood that the penis fits into the vagina and, in a way, yes. But penetration is not usually the practice by which women experience more pleasure and, therefore, can reach an orgasm. Each person is unique and it is their task to investigate what and how their own pleasure works, so it is necessary that we keep in mind the 3 ‘A ”’: Self-knowledge, self-exploration and self-acceptance. Women and people with a vulva have a fantastic organ, solely and exclusively responsible for sexual pleasure, the clitoris.
So what happens?
We strive to achieve orgasms through penetration and, from this practice, for many, it will be highly difficult due to sensitivity issues. The skin is the largest organ that people have and it is important that each one recognizes their own erogenous map.
Women have pretended throughout history for multiple reasons, such as ending an interaction that was not pleasant or for not damaging the self-esteem of our sexual partner, for example. But pretending implies not being able to fully enjoy and, also, implying that we like that, therefore, there will be a natural tendency for our sexual partner to repeat that, because he has understood that he likes it.
It is important to recognize and know what you like and that you can share it, so let’s practice sexual assertiveness.
What can you tell me about squirting? It is a topic that has been much talked about lately …
Squirting is popularized in a real or falsified way because in porn movies it has spread a lot and that makes us believe that all women can achieve it and that all men can provoke it.
The truth is that the study of female sexual response is little studied, compared to that of men, and there is an essential psychological factor to take into account when stating that all women can perform a squirt and that is the fact that that the main sexual organ is the brain and women carry a restrictive baggage regarding the enjoyment of our sexual pleasure. The object of desire does not have to be the same in each one, nor is our physical response, that is why I always invite us to discover ourselves, experiment and learn about our body and its sensations.
If self-esteem is important in our daily lives, it is no less so in sex, right?
Self-esteem is closely linked to pleasure in general and sexual pleasure in particular; If I value myself, I love myself, I respect myself, I will be able to enjoy myself, my interactions, my body and its sensations.
But if I feel insecure, for example, with my body and / or with my sexual abilities, I am restricting myself to pleasure because I will not be able to let myself go. If it is necessary to have control of said situation so that my belly is not seen, for example, in a certain position, that the light does not allow the other person to see me naked, that the hands of my sexual partner do not touch or caress that area that causes me rejection etc, we will not be able to enjoy. It is very important to feel comfortable and at ease in the skin that you inhabit. If I reject myself, I am sensory mutilating myself and I am not going to allow myself to indulge in pleasure. The most important organ we have to enjoy our sexuality is not the one we have between our legs, but the one we have between our ears.