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Today, everyone has the right to build their sexual relationships the way they want. But how do sex and the relationship itself correlate: do feelings serve as an aphrodisiac for us, or do they extinguish our impulses?
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Most of the prohibitions in the field of sex have been broken, and we no longer have to account for our intimate life to anyone. Modern civilization considers the body as a kind of apparatus that allows you to endlessly experiment with sensations. It would seem that there are all the prerequisites for the flowering of sexuality.
Meanwhile, we often forget that neither in the past nor now sexual relations were reduced to acrobatics together. Behind caresses and postures are our emotions, impulses, fantasies and feelings. We can suppress, ignore, sublimate or consider them sacred, but nevertheless they connect us with each other and force us to live in their rhythm.
When we talk about sexual relationships, both words are equally important. Unfortunately, today we place emphasis on the word “sexy”. But relationships are primarily a meeting of two unconscious, two stories, two desires and two bodies. It is this complexity that makes sexuality so exciting, creative, and at the same time (for some of us) fragile and… menacing.
Without the Other and relations with him, sexuality is unthinkable. But in this age of narcissism, where everyone needs the freedom to control their lives and their feelings, relationships often create problems.
Inevitable Addiction
“Many are afraid of sexual relationships, because starting them means learning about your own vulnerability,” explains psychoanalyst Mikhail Romashkevich. “This is the end of omnipotence. In order to be less afraid, we consider the other as an object, use it as a means of obtaining pleasure, enjoy it.
It seems to us that in this way we will be freed from emotional dependence, which is characteristic of any human relationship. The main task of the authors of numerous sexual benefits is to encourage us, to convince us that if we are technically savvy, we can experience a full-fledged orgasm without mixing feelings and emotions with sex.
This is where the eternal question arises: how do sex and feelings relate?
Artur, a 37-year-old bachelor, frankly confesses his Don Juan past. For the past two years, he has had a passionate affair with a young woman, smart and sexy, whom he calls his alter ego. And everything would be fine, but Arthur is depressed: it seems to him that he is a prisoner of this attachment, and sometimes he is drawn to run away without leaving an address.
“All two years I was faithful to Tanya,” Arthur admits. “I had neither the need nor the desire to cheat on her. Physical intimacy with her is just a revelation. But I realized that deep down I was angry with her for the fact that it was with her that I revealed myself in various areas.
I feel that I am dependent on the pleasure that I experience with her. I know I’m going to say a wild thing now – but it feels like she has my life and death in her hands. And it’s getting harder for me to take it.”
Everything that touched us, worried us, connected with people in early childhood, has a sexual nature.
It seems to be obvious that Arthur suffers from the well-known dilemma “mother or whore”: he fails to combine in one person the woman he admires and the woman who gives him physical pleasure.
However, everything is not so simple: falling in love and the inevitable dependence on a partner refers us to our very first – infantile – attachment.
“Everything that touched us, worried us, connected with people in early childhood, is of a sexual nature, since taking care of our body, feeding and caresses gave us pleasure,” explains sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko. In sexuality, we unconsciously seek a repetition of this pleasure. If the mother caressed us, pampered and loved us, but at the same time did not stifle us with her love, we will strive to relive these pleasant moments in sexual relations. And then the combination of sex and feelings will not create a problem.
But if the very first connection did not give us a sense of security or, on the contrary, oppressed and absorbed us, we will protect ourselves, seeing in sex only pleasure, but not relationships. Sexual maturity consists in combining the idealization of another person with bodily, physical love.
When one wants and the other does not
“Not now”, “I don’t want something” … Sooner or later, everyone experiences a painful rejection of a partner. A mismatch in time, a fleeting lack of attraction… In any case, “no” hurts someone who has been denied intimacy. Psychologists and sexologists tend to believe that men and women perceive the phrase “I have no desire” differently.
“Of course, I know that now he has big problems at work, but when he gently makes it clear to me that he is now “not up to it” and “his head is completely different”, it hurts me, the 36-year-old admits Elena. – It’s like hearing: “You do not excite me so much that I forget about my troubles.”
For most women, sexual attraction, a narcissistic sense of self-worth, and love are closely related, says family therapist Inna Khamitova: “A partner’s refusal to have sex causes a woman to doubt that she is generally desirable, even if she is well aware of the reasons for his condition. She immediately involuntarily thinks: “Has he stopped loving me?”
Men, faced with the refusal of a partner, experience frustration. This feeling reveals something very deep, archaic. As if at this moment he is ruthlessly rejected not just by a woman, but by his mother, who, in fact, should satisfy all his desires and needs.
39-year-old Maxim admits that this hurts him deeply. “I feel when she doesn’t want sex, but I’m trying to get her way. Sometimes it works out. But when she does pull away, I perceive it as her whim, as an injustice. I want to tell her: “If you don’t want it, don’t, I won’t beg you, there will be others who are always happy! “I don’t say it out loud, I don’t move from words to deeds, but by allowing this possibility, I feel better.”
“Erotic fantasies in which a man satisfies his impulses with another partner are partly explained by the place his mother occupies in the imagination of a man,” says sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko. “In this imaginary world, there is a woman who will never refuse. If sexual denial becomes a weapon in a couple’s life, sooner or later a man will fulfill his fantasies.
To avoid this scenario, one must learn not only the art of compromise, but also the even more subtle art of separating the sexual relationship from the hostility and resentment that turns the marital bed into a battlefield.
Eternal creativity
The other side of sexual attachment is power. The power to give pleasure to another or to deny him it. Sexologist Catherine Blanc argues that in sex the concept of power is key: “But not power in the sense of domination.
True sexual power is the power to be. To be alive, feeling, self-aware and open to the other. It is possible to have power even as a passive toy in the hands of another. Or, on the contrary, to be dependent on a partner, while considering himself the master of the situation.
Some women refuse fellatio to disobey their partner. But who has the power in the moment of oral sex? “I am,” a man might say. “No, I am,” the woman might have objected. “We are both or neither of us,” true partners would say.
Feelings should not extinguish attraction, and sex should leave room for attachment.
“Even if this is a fleeting adventure,” Inna Khamitova, a family therapist, is sure, “you can be in a bright, intense relationship, you can truly share two hours of life with a person whom we will never see again.
Creativity is the word that defines a full-fledged, revealed sexuality. In creating our intimate life, we must take the time to begin to better understand ourselves, our needs and desires in interaction with the body of another, in turn getting to know his needs and arousing his curiosity.
For 34-year-old Nina, creativity is inseparable from generosity. “At first, I didn’t like anal sex, but since this is one of my husband’s fantasies, I give him such pleasure from time to time, and the thought of it gives me pleasure. As a result, we both feel good!”
40-year-old Igor, who has been with Nina for eight years, claims: “Men simply don’t know what they are depriving themselves of when they share sex and feelings: in bed, love for Nina didn’t bother me at all, on the contrary, I told myself that it was the woman of my life, I was able to relax and feel safe.”
Sex without a name?
The age of individualism teaches us above all to value our unique personality. And therefore we tend to think that our duty is to remain ourselves, to preserve our uniqueness always, under any circumstances.
But is it really that important when it comes to sex? Is it necessary to exchange business cards with a stranger before finding yourself in his arms? And who is able to fully “be himself” while making love?
“At least not me! says writer Toni Bentley*. “Anonymity in sex removes the restrictions inherent in our “I”, and allows us not to obey what the partner requires or expects from us.”
When we lose ourselves, we gain wholeness. Anonymous sex provides an opportunity to experience the heady grandeur and delight of unity with the whole world: “in namelessness I become a grandiose mythical creature, a goddess who spreads her legs for the good of mankind.” Relinquishing one’s face and going beyond the usual limits can give the sexual act an almost primal poignancy and power.
* T. Bentley “The Surrender” (“Surrender. Erotic Memoirs”), Ecco, 2004.
Maintaining any close relationship, including sexual ones, is work.
“The pleasure that we got as a result of this work is perceived by our conscience as legitimate,” believes Mikhail Romashkevich. “And the pleasure that is given too easily seems to the unconscious unlawful, stolen.”
Moreover, sexuality cannot be seen as an everyday aspect of life: it eludes any purely physiological approach and requires genuine emotional involvement.
“Our sexuality is variable, it develops and matures gradually,” explains Yevgeny Kashchenko. “As we become more mature, the erotic side of life takes on new meaning.” To gain true sexual freedom, without losing the depth of experience, you need to find a metaphysical and creative beginning in human sexuality.
Free… to what extent?
Taboos always accompany us. They are rooted in the very depths of our psyche, and no society is able to rid us of them.
“There is, however, pseudo-freedom from taboos,” explains Mikhail Romashkevich. – This is when a person, shackled by fear, behaves like an avid fan of extreme sports. Today, many are eager for boundless sexuality, but in fact they are puritans who cannot overcome their lack of freedom.
“Enjoyment without limits” has another dangerous aspect: the desire for permissiveness and omnipotence, which are unattainable.
“I notice severe anxiety in some of my patients,” says Yevgeny Kashchenko. – They are tired of loving, they think that it has become very difficult. They feel that they are not effective enough, that they have physiological problems, that they lack sexual freedom, since they cannot experience an orgasm always and everywhere.
So, 40-year-old Lyudmila and Sergey ask themselves if it’s not enough to make love three times a month, even if it suits both of them. And 35-year-old Maxim and 37-year-old Vera admit that they are quite satisfied with their intimate life, but they want to understand whether they have really reached the peak of their sexuality.
“The sexuality of each person is purely individual,” explains Yevgeny Kashchenko. “Its manifestations depend on many things: on the sexual constitution, on what kind of family we grew up in, what experience we got, how susceptible we are to stereotypes.”
Based on this personal baggage, the couple enters into a kind of sensual contract, explicit or implied. “Everything that two adults do in the bedroom can be considered the norm if they do not harm themselves or others,” says Inna Khamitova. “Each couple decides for themselves what boundaries to set for themselves.”
different desires
Men’s standards of sexual attraction and arousal do not apply to women, our experts are sure.
- Men experience desire more often and in a more intense form.
- The intensity of attraction in different women varies more than in men.
- The strength of a woman’s sexual desire often depends on the time of day, season, and can change throughout life.
- Attraction in women is not as directly related to arousal as it is in men. Many women say that they start having sex without much desire: it comes only after physical arousal.
- Attraction in women is less related to physiology and more dependent on relationships with a loved one and what is happening around. At the same time, according to survey data, nothing ignites a woman’s libido like a new partner*. Even devoted wives, who do not go beyond fantasies, are aware of this.
Armistice time
Marina is 42 years old, she has been married for seven years, and her sex life satisfies her. “Desire still arises between us, even if sometimes I force myself a little to respond to his impulse. Delivering pleasure to your man and experiencing it yourself next to him is one of the key moments in the life of a prosperous couple. I think it’s in our women’s power.”
But Nastya, who is 32 years old, often uses this power when she wants to settle scores with a partner. “After a fight with my boyfriend, I never resort to reconciliation tactics in bed. I put him on a starvation ration! I hit in the most painful place. Then he begins to figure out what is wrong. And even then I can be sure that he will listen to my every word!”
And although sex is the oldest bargaining chip, Inna Khamitova warns against abuse: “Turning sex into an instrument of blackmail is a sure path to disaster. Sex should be a time of respite, an oasis of feelings and emotions for each of the partners, where it is only about how to please each other, and nothing more.
Beyond our restless attempts at rationalization, it may very well be that this is the true and only meaning of sexuality.