For forgiveness

In the store, or rather, at the exit from the store, I watched such a scene. Husband and wife. Young, beautiful, carry packages of groceries to the car.

Husband: Well, why did you growl at her so much when she asked for something smaller than a five-thousander? She grimaced!

Wife: Yes, I did not growl. My side hurts.

Husband: If you have a wallet full of large bills, this does not mean that you have the right to growl at her.

Wife: I say, I didn’t growl. You know how twisted.

Husband: And why did it twist you at such a moment?

Wife: How do I know? What, you don’t believe me?

The woman has tears in her eyes. It can be seen that this is not the first time she has such disassembly. Lips tremble.

Husband: Okay, okay. I believe. We drove.

The scene, you see, is a passing, ordinary one. And for us now it doesn’t matter whether the woman spoke the truth or habitually fought off her husband’s reproaches. The husband himself is also a remarkable type. His own wealth is probably still new to him. Along with a sense of legitimate pride, he feels a kind of awkwardness and takes great care to preserve the democratic style. At the same time, his over delicacy turns into not too delicate reproaches to his wife.

But this, I repeat, does not matter. It is important that they carried the conflict with them into their future lives, and there is no doubt that it will flare up again at any suitable, and most likely not suitable, minute. But a man certainly knows this property of jumping on a person and building him according to his ideal in a military manner. Knows and suffers from it. But every time he can’t resist. If only I could complete this miniature with simple words, like: “Sorry, I was wrong.” But he can’t. Pride, or whatever he calls it, doesn’t allow it.

Every one of us from time to time starts to classify humanity. Such a classification, of course, says more about the human condition than about the real advantages and disadvantages of mankind. One way or another, lately it seems to me that humanity is strictly divided into two unequal groups: those who are able to say «I’m sorry», and those who will not do this under any weather. How unfortunate we are! After all, forgiveness is not only the right gesture towards another, it also frees your own soul. Ask for forgiveness if you were at fault. Forgive me for hurting you. This does not mean turning the other cheek and so on. Look at things more pragmatically. Accumulating resentment in oneself is an occupation that weighs down the soul. I read on the Internet the words of an author unknown to me: «Resentment is a poison that you drink in the hope that others will be poisoned.»

• Forgive: rise above the other or reconcile with him?

Here is an amazing riddle of language: in the words “forgiveness”, “forgiveness” there are two meanings, two multidirectional actions. That is, to forgive someone or to ask for forgiveness yourself. But these meanings are closely related and the actions are related. Dahl raises them to the word forgive (with emphasis on the first syllable), that is, to make simple from sin, guilt and duty, to let go, to excuse someone’s fault, to reconcile with the heart. But this means that a person can not only let go of a fault to another, but also free himself from guilt by asking for forgiveness. In the past, this custom was very common. The peasant, before a long trip, asked for forgiveness from his family. A woman in labor — before childbirth with relatives. They asked for forgiveness from everyone, going to church for confession. And another riddle: asking for forgiveness is natural, but saying “I forgive you” is almost impossible. There is a touch of arrogance in this. Therefore, we must look for other ways, other intonations, other words. There was, for example, such an answer, wonderful in its own way: «God will forgive you, forgive me.»

Let me finally recall the story of Joseph Brodsky about their relationship with Akhmatova. A very powerful story in my opinion. Brodsky and Akhmatova were poets of a different, if not opposite, stock. There was no mention of any literary relationship. But it wasn’t about him. Here is how Brodsky himself tells about it: “Of course, we talked about literature, of course, we gossiped, of course, we ran for vodka, listened to Mozart and laughed at the government. But looking back, this is not what I hear and see; in my mind, one line from that same “Rosehip” pops up: “You don’t know that you have been forgiven …” She, this line, not so much breaks out of, but breaks away from the context, because it was said precisely by the voice of the soul — for the one who forgives is always greater the offense itself and the one who causes the offense. For this line, addressed to a person, is actually addressed to the whole world, it is the answer of the soul to existence. About this — and not the skills of versification — we learned from her.

You understand: «the voice of the soul.» And in the event that you ask for forgiveness, and if you forgive yourself. To say it ritually, confirmed — will not work. That is, it will work, but it will not cause anything but awkwardness. These words, as they say now, must be invested. And in order to confirm once again that this gesture is not just noble there, philosophical or religious, but simple, worldly, beneficial for the soul, I will say that you need to be able to forgive yourself so as not to drag the sometimes overwhelming burden of the past with you all your life .