“Fix it!”: is it worth taking a child to a psychologist if you yourself are not ready to change

It is unlikely that any of the parents who have ever come to see a psychologist with their child did so out of curiosity or to make sure that everything is in order with their daughter or son (after all, he is so normal!).

Often psychologists complain that parents either do not support the work that a specialist does with their children, or openly resist this work. We talked to Anna Besinger, a child and family psychologist and Gestalt therapist, about the role parents play in child therapy.

Submit your requests!

What request do psychologists hear more often from parents who bring a child to a session: “it needs to be “fixed” or “help us all”?

“In fact, everything is not so simple,” comments Anna Besinger. — Most often, parents say: the child has difficulties with this and that. For example, it is difficult for him to find friends at school or organize his time. Or he is passive, does not know how to set goals, and so on. There are also more specific, disturbing requests: he pees at night (and this is at the age of 7, for example) or is afraid to fall asleep alone (also at the age of 7-9).

Can a specialist at the very beginning of work, already at the first conversation, determine whether mom and dad will be full-fledged participants in the process of change, or should we not wait for this?

“From the very wording of the request, the position of the parent is not always clear: does he want the child to be “repaired”, or is he himself ready to actively participate in the work process. Often the request sounds like «help him deal with this.» This is understandable: the parent is not an expert. And so he found someone who seems to understand this and knows what to do … ”explains Anna Besinger.

And this is logical: otherwise we would cope with the problems ourselves, and not seek the help of a psychologist. “It can be difficult for moms and dads to admit that a child’s problems are connected not only with his personality, but also with the situation in the family, with the parents themselves,” the expert emphasizes. — And to reformulate the request to «let’s figure it out together» — this, I think, is the task of the psychologist himself. The first step in this matter is always this: to slightly reduce the anxiety and guilt of the parent or reduce his irritation (which is also often accompanied by feelings of powerlessness and guilt).

Come, but do no harm

But what role does a parent play when he turns to a specialist who can help his child? Can a mother sit with a child in a psychologist’s office — or will she have to leave the blood alone with a psychotherapist?

“Parents are not directly involved in the process of therapy — during the session, the psychologist works only with the child himself, if we are not talking about systemic family therapy,” says Anna Besinger. — However, this does not mean that mom or dad can completely withdraw themselves. All the same, relationships in the family affect the child, so it would be good for parents to think about it somehow, to change their behavior. But still, the degree of their involvement depends on the age of the “client”. The older the child, the less the parent participates not only in therapy, but also in his life itself.

There are times when parents should not interfere with children’s therapy at all. Unfortunately, this is very difficult, but it often happens during those periods of a child’s life when he himself tries to keep his distance as much as possible.

“If a child decides, for example, issues of separation, then this is exactly the moment when the parent should be left behind,” the expert recalls. — And in this case, it is important for moms and dads to learn to let go of children, to trust them. The older the child, the less parental involvement is generally required.

All the house

Psychologists periodically face the fact that it is scary or difficult for parents to change habitual patterns of behavior, to rebuild communication. So does it make sense to take a child to a psychologist if his family does not plan to change?

“Such a scheme, alas, never works,” comments Anna Besinger. — Therapy is an hour, two hours a week at most, and the family is there the rest of the time! Often, during the sessions, the child learns to focus more on himself, make decisions, and so on. If all this is not welcome or impossible at home, then therapy may even be harmful to some extent …

Imagine a family where there is a taboo against expressing anger. A child in such an environment often ceases to even understand that he is angry. He is more likely to feel resentment or sadness, and sometimes guilt, but not anger. The job of a psychologist is to help a person (in this case, a child) understand their emotions and act accordingly.

This, of course, does not mean that the psychologist will teach your child to be angry or yell at others. But anger lets us know that somewhere our boundaries have been violated, and therefore, it is worth doing something about this. And the ways of expressing anger can be completely different, including socially acceptable ones. And it is better to learn how to deal with such complex emotions in childhood.

But for those who have mastered it, it will be much more difficult to recognize their anger in a family where it is impossible to show feelings. Yes, and in the family itself, this can cause additional problems, because it is not without reason that such a ban operates there! When nothing changes in the family, the results we have achieved quickly disappear, and it is always very sad for me to see this.”

Indeed, a professional psychologist is always worried that this does not happen. And open, honest dialogue can lead to good results if the «other side» is able to hear.

“When working directly with a child, I always communicate with parents,” the expert shares. “This is not therapy, and not even an attempt to convince adults to participate in the therapy of a child. It’s just my way of telling what and why I’m doing, helping to see the situation differently. Indeed, often parents simply worry, or feel guilty, or do not know what to do. Interested mothers and fathers at such moments are ready to understand something new about the child, gradually rebuild relations with him … And this is a separate, very important and responsible job.

One changes — everyone changes?

Each of us is part of our own family system. And there is an opinion that if one of its elements changes, then shifts can occur in the system. This approach is followed, for example, by specialists in addiction and codependency. But can one child who becomes a psychotherapist’s client have the same impact on his family as an adult?

“Unfortunately, no,” admits Anna Besinger. — The child adapts to the system and changes himself to it … And the younger he is, the more he has to adapt. This is because the child depends on the system. His very survival is the guarantee of the actions of his loved ones.

And this is the fundamental difference between a child and an adult client, who can directly influence the system — or simply leave it if contact with it brings severe suffering. The child, of course, does not have such an opportunity.

All comes with experience?

Is it important for parents to undergo psychotherapy themselves before taking their child to a psychologist? And don’t moms and dads who have experience working with a psychologist become more sensitive to the requests of their child’s therapist?

“Parents with experience in therapy often know how to “correctly” formulate a request. They definitely won’t tell me about the child: “Fix it!”, The expert emphasizes. “But sometimes they also really want not to feel guilty, to transfer to someone else the responsibility to deal with the difficulties of their child …

But parents who have been to a psychologist are more willing to trust their child’s therapist. They clearly understand that confidentiality is a necessary rule in such work. Yes, sometimes such moms and dads have higher anxiety, because they know how much effort it can cost to work out children’s experience later. But experience in therapy for a parent is definitely a positive factor, and it contributes to working with children.”

But if your children are the first clients of a therapist in the family, do not worry! Your sensitivity and thirst for change can work wonders.

“There are mothers and fathers who, even without the experience of therapy, very correctly feel the interconnectedness of everything that happens in the family,” notes Anna Besinger. “And parents themselves always need support in the difficult task of education.” And the therapist will gladly provide it. And the accuracy of the wording of the request is not as important as the fact that the family, together with the child, is ready to look for a way to live better, healthier and more interesting.