Five ways of self-destruction that we were taught as children

In the process of upbringing, many parents teach their children self-sacrifice and self-destruction to meet the needs of others. Often, meeting the needs of parents is the main function that children perform. But this is fundamentally wrong: the parent should take care of the child, and not vice versa. Many become father and mother without being ready for it.

It’s not so much about the material condition, but about the psychological and emotional. Adults living with unresolved psychological problems have children for the “wrong” reasons and inflict trauma on them similar to what they themselves experienced as children.

In some cases, parents want the best for their children and, in order not to injure them, turn to psychologists for help and work hard on themselves. But in most cases, they are not ready to go to the professionals, because it puts them in an awkward position and requires too much effort.

As a result of traumatic upbringing, the child grows up to be submissive and dependent on others. He turns into an adult who tries to please everyone, does not know how to set personal boundaries, sacrifices his interests or destroys himself. These five features of parenting teach you to sacrifice well-being from childhood:

1. Lack of love and care. First, this item includes all cases of overt physical, sexual or verbal abuse. Secondly, it includes latent or passive violence, such as rejection, emotional coldness of parents, violence against other family members that creates a destructive environment for the child, psychological pressure, manipulation and lies. The child learns a lesson: it is impossible to love him. He considers himself to be bad, defective, unworthy, unimportant and inconspicuous. He constantly feels threatened. The consequences of such upbringing can haunt the rest of your life.

2. False representations. Parents and other significant adults instill false beliefs in the child. They can talk about them explicitly or by setting an example of behavior: “parents are always right”, “I am your father / your mother / your teacher, so I know better”, “family is the main thing in life”, “you are still small”, “ do not be an egoist”. The child learns the principle: the main one who is stronger. His needs are not important, he must satisfy the needs of others. At the same time, he understands that it is impossible to question the power: the child must obey his parents.

3. Violated self-esteem and sense of self-importance. In a toxic environment, a child learns many false ideas about himself, most of which he later takes for his own. These representations begin to define his self-perception. For example, children learn that they are worthless, that they are responsible for everything that goes wrong. They get stuck in a state of learned helplessness. They feel that they cannot trust anyone and must do everything themselves. Their self-esteem depends on the perception of other people: “If people like me, everything is fine. If they don’t like me, it’s bad.”

4. Unreasonable expectations and the scenario is “doomed to fail.” Many parents expect their children to be perfect and set unrealistic standards. Whatever the child does, he will be punished for “failure.” It’s actually okay to make mistakes. They are necessary for the child to learn and develop. Nevertheless, parents forbid many children to make mistakes and severely punish them: punishment, rejection, denial of love and care. Children grow up anxious and neurotic, turn into perfectionists who strive to bring everything to perfection, or, conversely, lose motivation to do something.

5. Prohibition of real thoughts and emotions. A person’s feelings convey important information about his environment and well-being, reflect the perception of reality and help to more accurately comprehend and systematize information about this reality. Forbidding children to experience certain feelings and express them naturally is a cruel crime. In order to adapt and survive in a toxic and potentially dangerous environment, the child begins to suppress their true feelings and thoughts. Otherwise, he risks losing the favor of his parents. He learns to obey and destroy himself. Such children become adults who do not know who they are and how they feel, because from childhood they were forced to suppress their “I”. Sometimes a significant part of the “I” is lost forever.

Raising a psychologically healthy child is easier than “fixing” a crippled adult. However, in many cases, adults are able to rediscover their selves and heal wounds through self-improvement and professionals.