Five steps to trust in a couple

In 40 years of practice, psychology professor John Gottman has observed more than 3000 couples in his Love Lab. He found that the main problem in marriage is trust.

Couples in which partners trust each other understand that a lasting marriage does not develop by itself. Relationships need to be worked on. In such alliances, partners show that they value each other. They take pride in the talents and achievements of the other. Day after day, they do not get tired of repeating «I love you» and even in the midst of a conflict, they try to take the place of a partner. They empathize with each other, even if they disagree on something, and support each other, no matter what happens.

Every day of living together gives us the opportunity to get closer to a partner or move away from him. If you repeatedly turn away from your loved one, then the trust in the relationship is slowly and surely destroyed, and you begin to focus on each other’s shortcomings. You forget what you previously valued and admired, and gradually slide into the trap of «negative comparison».

From now on, you compare your spouse with others, real or fictional people. You think, “I deserve better,” stop caring about relationships, criticize your partner instead of supporting him, and cultivate resentment instead of gratitude.

To achieve trust and loyalty, purposeful efforts are needed. Here are five ways to help strengthen relationships.

Make concessions

Concessions are the foundation of a long-term relationship. Observing newlyweds in the laboratory, Gottman found that couples who subsequently managed to save their marriage agreed 86% of the time, and those who eventually divorced made concessions only 33% of the time. If your attempts fail — it happens in any relationship — try to correct the mistakes. Remember that working on mistakes is the secret weapon of couples with high emotional intelligence.

Get rid of negative thoughts

According to a study by psychologists Elizabeth Robinson and Gale Price, negative thoughts prevent us from noticing half of the steps that a partner takes towards us. In such a situation, building trust is difficult. Learn to separate specific problems in a relationship from a general opinion about a partner. Try to replace negative thoughts with empathy and understanding.

Support your partner

The best way to avoid the “negative comparison” trap is to actively support and praise your partner. Thinking about your partner in a positive way should become a habit. Reflect on what you appreciate about him and tell him about it regularly.

Fight «smartly»

In happy unions, people express dissatisfaction without recrimination, talk about their feelings and desires, and behave gently.

Make time for the two of you

We are too busy. We work hard, we spend all the time with the children. It’s easy to explain why we don’t have time to deal with relationships. Drop excuses and make time for dates. Talk heart to heart and continue to create rituals and traditions that bring you together emotionally. This investment will definitely pay off.

The secret of happiness is not to get what we don’t have. To be happy means to notice and appreciate what we already have. Appreciate each other day by day.