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We often find it easy to determine how we treat others. But what can we say about ourselves? Do we have a warm relationship with our «I» or tense? The checklist will help determine the main thing, and expert advice will help us understand how to get along with ourselves.
If you ask yourself the question: “How do I feel about myself?” — what will we feel? Can we immediately give an answer or will it be difficult for us to say something? What feelings arise from this? — psychologist Dmitry Berger reflects. — Or let’s ask ourselves this question: what would I feel for another person if he had the same set of feelings and ideas about himself?
Is a person with the same level of self-esteem as me worthy of my respect? Do I feel my worth without external social attributes – the latest iPhone, the number of likes on Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia), prestigious statuses and awards, a villa in Italy?
Attitude and self-respect affect our whole life. Others, often unconsciously, read it. Already at the moment of acquaintance, in the first seconds of self-presentation, we transmit internal information about ourselves. Well, if this information is positive, but if not?
How can we understand our relationship with ourselves? They are not very good if you have found at least half of the following signs, says Dmitry Berger.
1. You don’t know how to take care and support yourself
The importance of self-support is often talked about, but it is not always clear what it is.
“Many people begin to confuse self-love with indulging whims — this, of course, is necessary in reasonable doses, but it can lead to the other extreme,” the psychologist warns.
A lot of things go into taking care of yourself: how you feel about other people’s opinions, about your own health, emotional boundaries, whether you allow others to “drain” your bad mood, irritation or complaints on you, if this is not environmentally friendly for you. Do you try your best to live up to your partner’s high expectations? Are you able to say “stop” or “no” at the right time?
What to do
Analyze how you show care and love. Do you pamper and give warmth and attention, do you support yourself when you feel bad?
How does a supportive parent show love for a child? Cares, praises, buys gifts, arranges surprises, supports if something happens. He does not criticize if the child has fallen, but empathizes and focuses his attention on the fact that he is strong, he was able to get up and move on.
Write a recommendation on how to treat the dearest person in life. Let this be a guide to taking care of yourself.
2. Compare yourself to others
It is difficult to avoid this in the era of social networks, which become an additional stress for a person with low self-esteem.
“When looking at “glossy” pictures from the lives of others, often far from real life, a person begins to compare himself and his achievements with them. In fact, he does not know anything about those people, but fantasizes, transferring his own dreams to them, ”explains Dmitry Berger.
What to do
Spend less time monitoring networks. Analyze what qualities are needed to achieve your goals, and develop them with care and self-support.
Compare yourself with yourself in the past, while noting the path that you have traveled and the efforts that you have made. Start with at least 5 points, but let them grow to at least 20 over time.
3. Often dissatisfied with themselves
Criticism, devaluation and self-flagellation — familiar? If we fixate on our shortcomings more often, scold for mistakes for a long time instead of giving support and motivating us to solve the situation, then our achievements quickly depreciate. Then there is no foundation within us for realizing the value of ourselves, regardless of situations and assessments.
A person with healthy self-esteem accepts his shortcomings, the psychologist believes, but at the same time he appropriates success, he knows exactly his strengths and can support himself.
What to do
First, describe your strengths and weaknesses. Keep a daily diary of achievements, where to enter the tasks you completed, even if they do not seem significant to you. It is important to start paying attention to doing the usual, routine things and praising yourself for it, and not to fix shortcomings out of habit.
Try to hold out for 21 days, and preferably a month.
4. Fear of being judged by others
“If we depend on external evaluation, then we can block our manifestation in the outside world,” Dmitry Berger continues. — We will doubt our ideas, projects, actions. Often such people can start a new business with enthusiasm, but when the fuse passes, thoughts of risk and condemnation do not allow to finish what they started, procrastination and self-criticism turn on.
If there is no basic value of oneself, then a person begins to look for it in an external assessment, and this often develops into a fear of action and development.
What to do
Stop asking others what they think about your endeavors. Surround yourself with well-wishers, people with positive thinking, those who have already overcome this stage of doubt and soul-searching.
5. Think you have to get better and only then will you feel good
“You can fall into the trap of obligations, many of which interfere with life, and do not develop,” warns Dmitry Berger. “If I don’t accept myself, then even the right ideas about developing important qualities will meet with resistance.
After all, the basic idea here is the same as it is now, I am not worthy of respect and must change, that is, I do not accept and do not respect myself. In this case, a person can turn development into punishment. For example, going to the gym and exhausting yourself to the point of passing out, and not training, taking care of your health and enjoying it.
What to do
There is a good exercise in understanding your set of limiting shoulds and the feelings associated with it.
Take a sheet of paper and continue the phrase: I should be … For example, smart, reliable, successful, always getting what he wants, winning in any dispute, strong, even if there are no forces, etc. Describe how smart you should be — like someone ? What characteristics does it include?
Write 10 musts. Further decipher: what do you feel, to whom you owe, what will you feel when you achieve this?
Add the particle “not” to the written list of musts. You should get: «I should not be …». Check yourself: what you feel (describe your emotions, sensations in the body). If there is tension in the statement: «I should not be» — try to answer the question of who or what it is connected with.
The purpose of this exercise is to allow yourself to consciously choose whether to «be me…» or «not to be…». Write down feelings and awareness for each of the 10 items.
On the basis of this work, you can see what is really important for us, what gives energy for life and self-respect, and where in our beliefs there are dogmas that we follow for someone. Maybe these were our own decisions, but they have outlived their own and are not relevant for us now. So, your own value, your experiences and opportunities should come to the fore.