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Many agree with the statement that relationships are hard work. Coach Chris Armstrong suggests that you consider whether there is too much “work” in your relationship and whether it has replaced all the joys.
I never believed that marriage is primarily a job. Here lies self-deception, behind which I see the fear of losing the usual way of life. Fear leads to attempts to rationalize love, to make this feeling more understandable. Then the fading of love can easily be attributed to «not good enough» work.
People unite because being together is a pleasure for them. This does not mean that we do not need mental and emotional costs, but if we love each other, they bring joy and make us stronger. Even if you don’t agree with me that marriage and work are incompatible concepts, you are probably ready to admit that sometimes we put in too much effort to keep relationships going.
How can we tell if we’re trying too hard?
1. You constantly calculate the reaction of your partner.
Before each serious conversation, do you think about what and how it would be better to say, and worry in advance what they will answer you? This means that you are too focused on making your partner always feel good for the sake of your own interests.
What’s the catch? Sooner or later, you will lose the opportunity to speak openly about things that are important to you. You communicate not as a friend, but as a scout, forced to hide true feelings and intentions.
2. You find an excuse for everything.
You can forgive and understand a lot. Even when they ignore your interests, rudely impose their desires, or even insult you. You are offended at first, but then you find a compromise with yourself — you can even present this disgusting behavior as «cruel wisdom» that a well-meaning partner shared with you. When your friends point out your partner’s inappropriate behavior, you get offended by them and move the conversation to another topic.
However, you inevitably have to repress negative feelings towards your soul mate. If deep down you understand that you are living a lie, try to remember your self-respect and change the situation. It is worse if you have dissolved the boundaries of your personality so much that you are no longer aware of this.
What’s the catch? As long as you justify your partner, the problems are hushed up. Over time, they inevitably accumulate, and your relationship becomes increasingly tense and bleak.
3. You are destroying your health
Numerous studies show that in unhappy marriages, physical health deteriorates in people. If our own family becomes a source of negative experiences, we begin to suffer from heart disease, high blood pressure and depression.
What’s the catch? Love makes people healthier and happier. If you are currently unhappy in a relationship, it destroys your health. Even if we assume that you and your partner will be able to improve the psychological climate, it will be very difficult to repair the damage.
4. You are losing yourself as a person.
My client Megan, for many years of marriage, got used to agreeing with her husband in everything — he made a scandal every time she argued with him. For her, this did not pass without a trace: a lot of irritation accumulated, and she lost the ability to notice joyful moments in life.
Friends used to consider her a cheerful and sociable person, but now when they meet, she hardly maintains a conversation. All this happened because the oppressive home atmosphere formed in her a desire to hide from her husband and from the rest of the world.
What’s the catch? When you make endless compromises and infringe on your interests, you seem to exclude yourself from the relationship. You, as an independent person, with your desires and needs, are absent, giving way to another person who acts on your behalf.
5. You feel lonely
You cannot share with your partner what you deeply care about, and you prefer to keep it to yourself. You know you won’t get support from him. You can’t even talk about the fact that your relationship has cracked for a long time, and you are trying to eliminate it on your own.
What’s the catch? Relationships are always a two-way process. If only you feel the need to invest and give, then, most likely, the partner reciprocates only in your imagination, in which you have nurtured his noble image. You deserve to be a happy person not only in your fantasies.
The author is Chris Armstrong, coach, specialist in interpersonal and family relationships.