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Our personal history, our relationship in a couple, is influenced by generally accepted ideas about love, which prevent us from enjoying what we are currently living. If we understand these myths, we can be happier together.
Varvara Y. Sidorova, family psychologist, member of the International Family Therapy Association (IFTA).
Our love stories are not only the fruit of our desire or chance. They are also formed under the influence of models accepted in society, reflect collective and subjective ideas about ideal relationships, to which hedonism and individualism are added today as ways of building relationships with the world. Mythological constructions may not be realized, but have a strong influence on our choices, actions and evaluations. Among the many myths, we have chosen five of the most recognizable. All of them are not groundless and have the right to exist. Favorable for us are those myths that make us active participants in our own lives. And in order to benefit from them, we, together with the family psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova, will try to decipher them for you.
Pass the tests
- Are you ready for (new) love?
1. The myth of the right partner
“Someone somewhere is waiting for me”
Plato and his half-hearted androgynes, fairy tales and their destined princes and princesses… The myth of the one and only suitable partner is firmly rooted in our collective unconscious and has not faded over the centuries. Probably because this myth is rooted in our most distant personal past, in infancy, when we received everything (food, care, love) from our mother. So in our unconscious there remains the hope of meeting, or rather finding again, that ideal partner who will put an end to our incompleteness and our wanderings.
What follows from it. There is a positive side to this myth – it pushes us in search of love. But at the same time, any difficulties in the relationship will give rise to doubts: is this the only person intended specifically for me? And thereby reduce the motivation to establish contact, to seek harmonious interaction. We begin the search for this one and only partner, tailored to our measurements, although his identikit is just a combination of father and mother traits fixed in our unconscious. We are always excited and attracted by something that reminds us of childhood (the smell of the skin, behavioral traits, physical appearance), but this does not mean that we will build a satisfactory relationship with such a person.
Read more:
- Being together: 12 books about harmony in a couple
How to use it. If you do not go to extremes, this myth can encourage you to listen to your emotions, look for a person with whom you are truly comfortable. And when the choice is made, the union is concluded, the myth will work to strengthen relations. “This is my man”, “we are meant for each other.” This means that our difficulties are temporary and can be overcome. But don’t forget that for each of us there are many “suitable” partners, depending on the stage of our life and how our relationships shape us.
2. The myth of the right (or wrong) time
“Until the time has come, and then it will be too late”
Never start a relationship after a recent breakup. And always give yourself time to think… It is understood that there is a good time for a romantic relationship, which will ensure their happy development, and an unfortunate one, which guarantees their failure. This myth is associated with the ancient notion of fate, predetermined by the gods and imposed by them on people who must take it into account in order to win cities and hearts. In our days, when time is accelerating, we are ruled by the fear of missing out on our lives, making the wrong choice, and therefore the myth of the right moment has great power over us.
Read more:
- “Make me an offer!”
What follows from it. He supports the idea that success or failure in love depends on factors external to us and our relationship with our partner. This myth claims that there are rules that guarantee success. Its task is to reduce our anxiety with the help of the illusion of control. Thus, a relationship soon after a breakup is a pain reliever, doomed to last no longer than recovery takes. While a favorable moment (for example, the time after recovery) should provide us with a stable and durable connection.
How to use it. In fact, the success of a new relationship in a couple depends on whether the previous ones are completed. This process can be painful, so that even after the breakup, the partners (or one of the two) remain “inside” the relationship. The myth of the “right” time, by reducing anxiety, can save you from relationships dictated by anxiety that have arisen in a situation of internal unpreparedness for them. But the same myth can interfere with the natural movement of the soul of those for whom such rules are more important than their own feelings. Such a person does not pay attention to his needs and will ignore what is really happening to him.
Read more:
- Four myths about sex life
3. The myth that love is controllable
“Relationships are work”
This idea goes back to class marriages, when partners chose each other in order to make the best use of the family heritage. This approach assigns the main role to the mind. Today it is fueled by the cult of personal growth, when self-improvement becomes the key to any achievement.
What follows from it. This myth allows us to perceive love relationships as a derivative of the nourishment that we can provide them. He denies the role of the unconscious and justifies an active position: there are tools and algorithms that lead to success. Those who find themselves in the power of myth read psychological literature, participate in trainings, and undergo psychotherapy. There is little spontaneity in their relations with partners, a lively exchange of feelings – very different, and not just “correct”, therefore relations do not develop. In addition, this myth sometimes slows down change. Instead of looking for new ways of interacting or admitting that the situation has exhausted itself and parting ways, partners continue to “work” in the old framework and ways of interacting.
How to use it. The advantage of this myth is that it encourages to improve relations, to seek compromises, and not to break at the first quarrels.
Read more:
- Alain Eril: “The couple is a myth”
4. The myth of love-mirror
“Birds of a feather flock together”
The origin of this myth is the story of Narcissus, who rejected the nymph Echo and fell in love with his own reflection when he leaned over to drink water. This story of impossible love ended with the death of Narcissus. The search for an absolute double is closer to our time: even dating sites offer search criteria for a soul mate based on common interests and similarities of views, which are supposed to guarantee a harmonious and lasting union.
What follows from it. The myth of “coincidence” is supposed to ensure a strong relationship, free from unpleasant surprises. The advantage of this myth is that it forces attention to be paid to similarities in temperaments, values, and interests. This is important, in this case the couple has more opportunities to create a common language of interaction – easy and conflict-free. And yet, for a relationship in a couple, it is more important not so much to be “similar”, but to be on the same wavelength. For example, it will be difficult for a couple where two equally powerful partners or two who are accustomed to being led have met. If you look for a person who is similar to himself in everything, then conflicts are inevitable.
How to use it. Of course, psycho-emotional compatibility and common interests serve as a good basis for marriage. It’s nice to live with a like-minded person, with someone who shares your interests. But it is even better if the partners are on the same wavelength, they coincide in understanding the general direction of their life, they can complement and stimulate each other. It is good when a couple does not try to share a tiny patch of psychological space, where there is room for one, and two create a common large field by combining their spaces.
Read more:
- How are roles distributed in a homosexual couple?
5. The merger myth
“One plus one equals one”
At the heart of this myth is the same Platonic idea of an incomplete being, eventually supplemented by its other half to the whole. But it also recalls the theory of the psychoanalyst Donald W. Winnicott, who compared the first period of a newborn’s life to three weeks of blissful madness in which the baby merges with the mother. An ecstatic union of bodies and hearts that becomes the only way to love and be loved, the golden age of love. In our time, the fantasy of merging with a partner who will never leave us reflects an existential need for security. Behind him is a desperate desire for reliability, stability of existence.
What follows from it. The merger destroys the relationship, because the connection between the two requires distance. It also destroys our “I” to create a single “we”. A long-term merger always impoverishes the individual and his resources without providing a deep sense of security in return. At the same time, the merger myth makes the couple more viable in situations where it is necessary to unite, to “show a united front”. Working as a unit, partners can achieve remarkable results. Also, within the framework of this myth, there is less competition between spouses, because everything is not “yours” and not “mine”, but ours.
How to use it. In situations where you need to try and explore new things, expand social ties, merging will prove to be a hindrance. For example, in situations of great social upheaval. And if one partner suddenly loses the other, this loss can provoke a psychological catastrophe for the one who is left alone, or, conversely, open up new horizons in life and love for him.