five love languages

Sometimes it seems that the life of a couple is built on continuous misunderstandings, and the communication of a man and a woman resembles a dialogue of the deaf. Why is it so difficult for two loving people to find mutual understanding? Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages. How to Express Love to Your Companion”, believes that the point is that we speak different love languages ​​with our loved ones.

He identifies five ways in which people express their love, the five love languages. The language we speak depends on a number of factors: upbringing, parental family model, character traits. We tend to “inherit” the language of love, getting used to expressing ourselves in it and expecting the same understandable love formulas in response. But what if the partner follows a completely different love code? If we want him to feel our love, we will have to tell about it in a language he understands.

Love Language #1: Words

Simple sincere words of encouragement and praise are what many of us lack. People who were not praised enough in childhood have an urgent need for their partner not only to appreciate and respect them, but also to be able to openly say so. In addition, we all doubt ourselves from time to time, whether we can achieve success. Words of support from a loved one can encourage and give confidence, push to start doing what we want, but for which we still do not have enough courage.

Love speaks the language of kind words. To love is, among other things, to be able to ask for forgiveness and say «I forgive.» Love does not require, but asks. “I love your signature pie so much, if only you could make it again,” instead of “everyone’s wives cook, but have you forgotten how?”. And remember, in words it is very important not only what, but also how we speak. The same phrase can be said in completely different ways.

Tip: If this language is foreign to you and you are not very eloquent, but it seems to you that your partner speaks it, pay close attention to what people around you are saying. You hear how your friend complimented his wife — remember, the boss appreciated your merits and praised — listen to what words he used for this, the characters in the movie confess their love to each other — this can also go into the piggy bank of your dictionary for loved one.

Bonus: When we are told pleasant words, our successes are celebrated, we feel gratitude and, very likely, we will be ready to do something pleasant for a partner in return.

Love Language #2: Time

Spending time with someone means giving them your full attention. Time is the most valuable resource, when we donate it to another person, we also give a piece of our life, ourselves. Being together and being close are two different things. Together is to look at each other, talk, hear, understand. Sitting next to each other on the couch and watching TV is not at all the same as talking at breakfast while reading a newspaper or buried in your computer.

What is the fundamental difference from the first language of love? In the language of words, it is important to tell the partner how valuable he is; in the language of time, it is important to listen, understand, feel him. It happens that when a partner shares his troubles, thoughts, events that happened during the day, our first impulse is to give him advice, to solve the problem. This is especially true for men with their pragmatic approach to life. But this is by no means what a woman needs if her love language is time. She needs to be listened to, to feel important and significant, she needs sympathy and understanding, the feeling that you love her and believe in her, no matter what happens in her life. And then she can easily cope with her problems herself.

Tip: When you spend time together, look your partner directly in the eyes, this will establish contact and convey the feeling that you are really ready to hear and understand. Do not be distracted by your business and phone calls, put them aside for a while or settle them in advance. Learn not to interrupt. Instead, watch your partner, his facial expressions, intonations, gestures, this will allow you to feel him better. Make an effort on yourself and try to share your partner’s hobbies. Do you love rock, but your partner loves the classics? Well, go to a concert with him, even if childhood memories of music school make you dumbfounded. You may never learn to tell the difference between a symphony and an aria, but you will learn to love your partner.

Bonus: When you do something with your partner, you have shared memories. And they, in turn, can become an inexhaustible source of joy and help strengthen the union.

Love Language #3: Gifts

If to love means to give, then gifts are the best fit for this definition. A gift is a visible embodiment of love. Perhaps this language is one of the simplest, and learning it is not so difficult. Gifts can be bought, made with your own hands, it is important that in the process you think about the person and choose what you think can please him.

Tip: Material costs are far from the main thing in this love language. The gift should correspond to your financial level, but no more. In addition, a touching gift can always be made with your own hands. If you don’t know at all what to give a loved one, you can take the advice of his friends or relatives, and there is nothing shameful in this, because what you want is to do something nice, show your love in such a way that it is understandable.

Bonus: A gift is something that a person has at least for a while. A gift is your embodied thought or feeling that a person will think about for a long time: “She remembers me” or “He thought about me when he chose this gift.” Looking at this gift or taking it in hand, your partner will remember you with gratitude and love. Thus, the boomerang gift you made will return your feelings to you, strengthening them with the gratitude of your partner.

Love Language #4: Help

To help is to do something for another person, to express your concern in action. The wife cooks dinner, cleans the house, the husband buys groceries and helps with the wife’s car when problems arise. This is an exchange that may well strengthen the union. Help takes time and effort. If you are happy to help your partner, you are expressing your love.

Tip: If you feel that your partner is constantly annoyed, complaining about you and probably his love language is help, ask him to make a specific four-point to-do list that he would like to receive from you. As a rule, these items are quite simple: make the bed, keep the socks clean, wash the car, or sometimes clean the dishes. For two months, try to follow these points, remembering that you are doing this out of your love for your companion, and, believe me, the results will not be long in coming.

Bonus: Even if the language of help is not your love language, the occasional weariness from work and everyday life is probably familiar to you. If your partner speaks exactly this language and you managed to master it too, then in those moments when you feel overwhelmed and exhausted, you will suddenly find that the most sensitive assistant is next to you, who will gratefully repay you with the same coin taking on part of your obligations.

Love Language #5: Touch

Through touch, you can express many shades of your feelings: from tenderness, care, affection to passionate desire — and for some this is the only way to feel love. Tactile receptors are located throughout the body, which gives this language many nuances and possibilities: any gentle touch can convey love, while even the slightest rudeness or sloppiness can be interpreted as the deepest insult. It is very important for people who speak this language to hold a partner’s hand, to feel hugs, they are in awe of kisses, they attach special importance to sex and begin to doubt whether they are loved if they do not receive them. However, this does not mean that if you are attracted to the intimate side of relationships, then your love language is touch. This language of love is much broader and richer.

Tip: Our soul lives in our body. When you touch your partner’s body, you also touch his soul. No two people are the same, and what makes you feel good may not be pleasant to your partner at all. Listen to him, explore his body, treat him with tenderness and respect, and then this can be an exciting process for both of you. Don’t limit yourself to just sex and foreplay. Fleeting touches throughout the day play a huge role if your partner speaks the language of touch. Put your hand on your shoulder when you bring a cup of coffee, hug your waist as you pass by, kiss your companion when you get into the car — and then he will definitely feel loved.

Bonus: Should we talk about bonuses when it comes to devoting more time and attention to the intimate life of partners?

How to recognize the language of love…

… Own

For some, it is enough to skim through the names to understand exactly what is most important to them, for example, joint time or touch. But often even recognizing your own language is not so easy. Here are some tips to help you hear yourself better:

1. If the proposed list did not give you a clear answer, try abstracting from it for a while. Remember what usually hurts you the most in relationships with loved ones? If criticism of a partner is extremely painful for you, perhaps your native language is words. If you fall into despair because your partner, when he comes home from work, has dinner, does household chores, asks you about your day, but he never hugs you and falls asleep, turning to the wall, without even kissing you, you should look at touch language. If you are upset by the rare presence of flowers and gifts, then the language of gifts is likely to be close to you. Etc.

2. Another way to recognize your language is to remember how you usually express your love to your partner. What are you doing for this, you say? Are you planning your leisure time and choosing where to go together for the weekend? Do you admire your partner in such a way that even all your friends have no doubts that your companion is really the best? You probably expect the same in return.

3. If you don’t have a loved one at the moment, this doesn’t mean at all that you don’t need to learn love languages. Sooner or later you will meet someone you like, and now you can start preparing for this meeting — by studying yourself and imagining what languages ​​others can speak. In this case, you may find it difficult to remember what hurts you in a relationship or how you show your love. Then use your imagination, it is an equally important source of information about you. Try fantasizing about your ideal partner. What is he? What does he do to make you feel his love? Does he hug you, take an active part in raising your children, shower you with compliments or gifts? All this will help you find the key to your language.

… And partners

You can learn its language using the methods described above. You can ask your loved one and direct questions about what exactly he expects and wants from the relationship and from you. Another trick: listen to his claims. Criticism is one of the ways to declare your love, although not the most successful. Listen to what your partner most often criticizes you for.

You never give me flowers! “I want to come to a clean and well-groomed house, why don’t you do this?”, “You have completely moved away from me — you don’t kiss, you don’t hug.”

Criticism, if not taken personally, is a valuable source of information. You will be convinced of this if, instead of being annoyed and making reciprocal claims, you will carefully and respectfully listen to your partner. “You are very upset (a) due to the fact that we are rarely together. Let’s think about how we can find time and where to go together? Using this approach, you will see that there will be no trace of your partner’s criticism, and requests, gratitude and love will appear in its place.

About the Author: Gary Chapman is a pastor and family counselor and author of The Five Love Languages. How to Express Love to Your Companion (Bible for All, 2012).