How to understand whether or not the main characters form a real duet after the first night of love? This can be understood by listening to your feelings and looking closely at the behavior of your partner.
For a detailed description of the couple’s first morning, sociologist and Psychologies regular Jean-Claude Kaufmann divided it into five parts: waking up, staying in bed, getting up, morning toilet, and breakfast.
At each of these stages, partners voluntarily or involuntarily ask themselves the question — to continue the relationship or not. You will definitely recognize yourself in the described scenes, no matter if your first morning together was a long time ago or not long ago.
Awakening
The awakening process consists of several phases. The first phase is a few seconds, which follow as soon as we open our eyes. Sleep is not a black hole of thinking. It is marked by episodes of dreams when the brain wastes energy and gets tired in the same way that muscles do during physical exertion.
The first seconds of awakening are thus marked by intense mental activity, which consists in searching for the thread of existence, in reproducing the history of one’s biography from the place where it was interrupted the day before. Under normal conditions, this process occurs without undue stress.
The more unusual the circumstances (an unfamiliar place, an unusual or even random partner), the more intense the mental work, since the brain needs to reconnect with yesterday in the shortest possible time.
In the morning, all the details that our eyes imperceptibly recorded the day before become valuable data for restoring the course of events and, perhaps, for creating a draft of a new chapter in life history. But not only the look, the other five senses are also involved, they «behave» calmly, but are on the alert. Thanks to them, we try to feel the atmosphere of the place.
Stay in bed
A few glances are enough to understand that the continuation of a love adventure will be a difficult test. In connection with the new sounds, smells, images, a lot of questions arise.
Certainly, a decision will have to be made. Later. In the meantime, a warm bed and a soft belly of a partner are perceived as a protective shell. It is enough to bury oneself in it to discover real life (concrete and soft) beyond the limits of ordinary life (remote and hard).
Real life is much more prosaic. And not always under our control. The slightest wrong word can break the magic of communication.
What to say to a partner when there are not enough “parameters” to express it? Who is he really, your partner, so close and yet still unfamiliar? What words is he waiting for, what will he think about what you say? Will your impulses of intimate revelations shock him, will they not hurt him? Or, on the contrary, will not confessions too early force him to accept obligations for which he is not yet ready?
Morning revelations must be used wisely, it is like playing with fire.
Whatever the charm of the bed, it is impossible to stay in it forever.
Words at the moment of awakening must be used very delicately, as well as the look. He can be probing, intent, and therefore cause concern to the partner, which can be enhanced by the unexpectedness of such a look. In short, the feeling of being watched closely can break the magic of a relationship.
A love union develops only under special conditions. Sexually, this occurs when physical arousal overwhelms the habitual ability to reason. In terms of feelings — when a gust of passion can carry away no one knows where, ignite and destroy existence itself.
Rise
Whatever the charm of the bed, it is impossible to stay in it indefinitely. There are a thousand reasons for this. A job that requires you to get up early. I want to eat, I’m thirsty. Or maybe just a desire to wash or take a refreshing shower. In a word, it becomes necessary (whether we like it or not) to get out of bed.
It is at this point that the ego suddenly becomes aware of what is going on in the relationship. If it doesn’t think about it openly, it still feels vaguely that the rules of the game are changing. Getting out of bed is a very bright transition.
When the partner is still sleeping or already up, the rise is accompanied by fewer problems. But if both are in the same position, it is not uncommon to see the use of true guerrilla warfare tactics to force the opposing partner to take the lead first.
Of course, everything can be blamed on modesty. No two people have the same attitude towards modesty and nudity, so the differences can be very significant.
Our research identified several times when people feel comfortable being naked, including the delicate moment of getting out of bed. But such natures are rather an exception, and in practice a sudden increase in a sense of shame at this moment is much more common.
Everyday reality — the little death of a love night — comes to the fore
Shyness explains the style and manner of dressing: modestly, furtively, ashamed of oneself. To the inconvenience caused by the naked body, there is also embarrassment from their awkward and hasty movements. Fortunately, this moment is short-lived.
It’s hard to believe, but the eyes of the other at this moment usually just contemplate. But the partner still looks, causing confusion in the one to whom the gaze is directed: unstable, lingering, penetrating, as if he opens another person, another body.
But there is nothing wrong with this curiosity. And at the same time, it is curiosity that frightens and is misinterpreted. Since the discomfort is clearly felt, both partners are forced to resort to distracting or reinsurance tactics of behavior. Laughter, for example, can defuse a tense situation.
morning toilet
Not only women want to get themselves in order as soon as possible. Comb your hair, freshen up, so as not to lose face. The first morning thus passes in a relentless torment between the pursuit of naturalness and the use of some tricks to present oneself in a favorable light.
If the excess of these tricks and tricks exceeds the permissible norms, then true naturalness remains a pipe dream.
A bashful flight, fear of the eye, the need to clean up: one of the two characters suddenly leaves the stage to retire to the bathroom. One. Close the door tightly behind you, sometimes on the latch.
And there is also a toilet. The difficulties that arise in this regard are varied and often depend on the location of the latrine. As a rule, not the whole process as a whole, but some particular aspect of it does not fit into the tone of the scene.
The one who sees, hears or feels the disturbing element tries to switch attention in order to soften the force of the unpleasant influence. Whoever is responsible for these effects is also trying to mitigate them. With more or less force and fantasy, according to whether he is convinced or not, that there is an embarrassing factor. Yes, this morning everyone gets out on his own …
Breakfast
Washed, barely dressed, they sit opposite each other. The relationship-building process that began at night is receding uncontrollably.
They fall into the world of habitual daily behavior, talk about some harmless and absolutely insignificant things, think about the continuation of the day, about their history, which accidentally became common. How far from them now are the kisses and caresses that arose upon awakening!
Both partners opened the next chapter of the first morning, a radical new one, with many pitfalls and secret charms that they will have to get acquainted with. Everyday reality — the little death of a love night — comes to the fore, bringing with it a thousand little things that can create tension or bring familiar pleasure.
The look gradually becomes sharper already during the rise, the morning toilet sometimes adds awkwardness and restraint. However, the distance that has appeared is finally established only during breakfast.
Sitting at the table, forced to behave appropriately, they feel like strangers to each other, despite the fact that their behavior does not go beyond the usual gestures.
Under its tenderness and outward familiarity, the first morning hides the desire to sum up
Breakfast for two is items and foodstuffs that are just as familiar and obvious to the owner of the house, so unusual and even shocking to the invited guest.
Finding himself in front of an unusual mug or peculiar sandwiches, the guest enters into a kind of secret polemic with his second “I”: should I completely dissolve in this unusual environment, or, on the contrary, keep my distance and my usual habits? Should I change or stay the same?
The breakfast scene, whether it be tangible or subtle embarrassment, unbearable silence or silence as a sign of simple happiness to be together, raises the main question: what will tomorrow be like? Who can say that the long-awaited night was not in doubt?
Under its tenderness and outward familiarity, the first morning hides a desire to sum up. Much more often nothing is determined in advance, both partners embark on a love adventure without clear plans. In this situation, in the morning you suddenly have to make a choice between the immediate end or the continuation of this story.
Doubt may appear over sandwiches and a cup of coffee. Continue or not? And the other, what does he think? We will not be mistaken if we say that the fate of the couple is decided just at this moment.