Tenderness, interest, passion, suffering. So the feeling of love in a person is colored differently as he grows up. Magic begins with the love of mom and dad, which becomes a support forever. And then he meets someone completely different … What happens to the child and how to support him?
The first love of our children… Thinking about it, we imagine a happy couple of kissing teenagers, but in reality, preschoolers already experience the first strong emotions in communication with their peers. They walk, holding tightly to the handle, play together, share their favorite toys and give each other sweets …
signs of tenderness
“Many girls and boys aged 6-7 develop sympathy and tenderness for a child of the opposite sex,” says child psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “In these first relationships, there is no subtext of courtship, but there is a desire to be friends, to be close, to care, to physically feel the presence of another.” The first love often comes to children on the wave of an aesthetic feeling, admiration for the beauty of another – this is how love differs from friendship. The child realizes that the other is not like himself, this fascinates him. So a new connection for him arises, and it helps him to more easily survive the separation from his parents.
At this time, it may seem to adults that their son or daughter behaves defiantly – “imposes”, “does not allow a step”, hugs too frankly … Do not criticize such behavior: experiencing strong feelings, a preschooler and a younger student still does not know how to express them. “Try to just enjoy such a completeness of the emotional life of a son or daughter,” the expert notes. And think about how you express feelings in the family. It’s good when children see the hugs of their parents, tenderness and caring attitude: this is how, most likely, the child will behave.
In Search of Yourself
At the age of 9-11, with the onset of puberty, the relationship between boys and girls suddenly changes. They seem to have lost interest in each other. But they are more clearly aware of belonging to their gender and emphasize this in behavior. “At 9-10 years old, children get together in same-sex “flocks”, where they work out new forms of communication: not situational, but deeper, which has nothing to do with flirting, emphasizes Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – Younger teenagers are already trying to form an image, showing interest in clothes, cosmetics and jewelry. They try to attract attention to themselves, but the reason is not in love, but in the search for themselves and gender identity.
With the onset of puberty, after 11 years, both boys and girls have an increased interest in sexual life, there is a physiological (it is also natural) teenage hypersexuality. Same-sex companies are breaking up, there is an interest in parties and communication in couples. Adolescents are worried about a changed, matured body, sensual desires, insecurity in their masculine (or feminine) qualities … At this time, teenagers take the first steps in a romantic relationship: they start dating, for the first time they decide to write a note and confess their feelings.
The wind of change
At the age of 13-16, teenagers are increasingly flirting with each other. They have dreams, a desire to find someone who can be trusted with their innermost thoughts and their body, someone who will trust in return. And then such a person appears, and the teenager loses his head from love. He comes home after midnight, locks himself in his room and talks for hours on the phone, chats, keeps a diary or blog, writes poetry – and suffers from jealousy or occasional quarrels.
touchy topic
When to talk to children about sex and how to find the right words? Recommendations of the sex therapist Maria Eril.
Why talk to children and teenagers about sex if they know almost more than we do thanks to the Internet? Firstly, in order to put in order the information received from different sources. Secondly, to give information on which personal security and the creation of relationships in the future depend. Do not be afraid that you will kindle an unhealthy interest in a child: discussing this topic does not push teenagers into a premature intimate life, but, on the contrary, helps them make more informed choices. Early pregnancy, infectious diseases – often this is not the result of carelessness, but the lack of elementary knowledge. So, what and at what age to speak?
7-9 years. By this period, it would be good to explain to the child how he was born. Call the intimate parts of the body by their proper names, but try to avoid physiological details. Explain that during intercourse a man’s penis enters a woman’s vagina and that once the father’s sperm and the mother’s egg meet and the result is a baby, that’s enough. Do not go into details if the child does not ask.
10-13 years. It’s time to discuss the issues of puberty, upcoming changes in the body, and from the point of view of physiology – reproductive functions. You understand that you are shy – offer your son (daughter) a book in which the information is presented in an accessible and correct way. It is equally important to talk about feelings and relationships – friendship and love, loyalty and support. A child in love is already able to think about very subtle and complex things – about what to do if you are not accepted, rejected, that words and actions can hurt.
After 14 years. It is at this time that you should discuss safe sex issues and suggest how a teenager should act in an emergency. Explain, for example, that if unprotected sexual intercourse took place, then a special drug must be taken for a certain time. Tell which doctor and which medical institution he can come with his problem. And be sure to ask what happened if you see that his behavior has changed. In the event that the child is not ready to communicate, make it clear that you are always open for dialogue.
In general, it is important to convey two ideas to a teenager. The first is that sexuality is a natural part of adult relationships. The key word here is “adults,” because sexual relationships (as opposed to erotic impulses) arise when we mature before that. And the second is that this part of life is an intimate matter for everyone. Which, in fact, prevents us from talking about such topics in detail. Don’t rely on words alone. After all, sexual education begins long before children ask a question about it: we pass on the model of gender behavior to the child with our actions and attitude towards each other.
It is not easy for parents to observe these experiences. I would like to share my experience, warn against possible mistakes, intervene, help. But – alas. The part of a teenager’s life that is connected with love is the very intimate zone where access for parents is limited. It seems to adults: it would be better later, so there are fewer problems. But this is just an illusion. Because real relationships need to be learned, and for this you need to be in them. The experience of falling in love is simply necessary for a young man, because he has to form his own image of a man (woman), and this cannot be done without contact with a peer of the opposite sex. It is important for a teenager to make sure that he can be attractive.
Relive the drama
By the age of 17-18, young people accumulate love, sexual experience. And the experience of the first losses that they experience as grief: they retire, refuse to eat, cry. This suffering hurts the parents as well. But still, give the child the opportunity to experience them for himself. “A teenager will have to overcome shock, denial, anger, depression – before he can accept the situation,” says psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya. It is important that he feels safe at home during this time. Refrain from prompting how to behave “so that he (or she) understands what he is losing.” Unhappy love is an experience that teaches you to accept the imperfection of the world and prepares you for a mature relationship.