The moment when the bill is brought carries many meanings. According to the rules of good manners, both take out their wallets, and it is at this moment that the continuation of their story is determined.
By the time the account appeared, the two had most likely not yet touched each other. Both are a little embarrassed. Of course, they can still reflect on the embarrassment that has arisen, but it is at this moment that they have to decide what they want from each other: all at once or nothing.
Many people think this way, linking payment of the bill with a silent invitation from the man and with the silent consent from the woman.
Is it always like this? Does this mean that a man, inviting a girl to a restaurant, expects something more? And does he have the right to?
An inappropriate gesture, a few seconds of hesitation – and the relationship history can be ruined before it starts.
For many men, this is an axiom. For women, this is a pressing issue. In fact, everything is quite simple: it is, of course, about money and sex, but also about something unconscious. About something more complex, invisible at first glance.
An inappropriate gesture, a few seconds of hesitation – and the history of relationships can be ruined before it starts. “If he beats around the bush, I immediately take out my wallet to let him know that I don’t want to owe him,” says Leah, 39. “But I take it as a mistake on his part: as if he did nothing even for the first step.”
But the imposing Alexander, who is 50, believes that gallantry orders men to pay, and women not to notice it. “If she wants to pay her share of the bill, she immediately destroys the magic of the date.”
The symbolic meaning of money
However, not everyone agrees with this. The question arises: to talk about it or not? Should I put the question point-blank, at the risk of repelling all desire and attraction?
“The moment he asked, ‘Well, what do we do with the bill?’ – all the magic of the evening has evaporated. It’s not about the money, but a man who does not take matters into his own hands loses charm and attractiveness in my eyes”, says Clara, 40 years old.
Alice, 28, saw that the companion took out less money from her wallet than she expected, explaining: “It’s for tea …” “That is, I had to pay my part. Romantic, don’t say anything! she chuckles.
The man seems to say: I show that I want to seduce you, I know how to satisfy your desires
And Eduard, 35, admits that when he needs to pay a bill, he is always afraid that he has lost a credit card, even if he knows that he has enough money in his account.
“If the meeting is not friendly, but sensually sexual, at the time of payment, the symbolic value of money increases significantly, explains psychologist Enrico de Sanctis. “That is, the man, as it were, says: I show that I want to seduce you, I know how to satisfy your desires.” Typical courtship behavior, which also hides competition with other men. In the same time a woman gets an answer to the question of how much she “costs”.
Laws of desire and attraction
Until recently, in the name of gender equality, women insisted on paying their share of the bill on an equal footing with men. “Today, girls are waiting for a man to pay for them after all, because it proves his attraction,” sighs feminist and The New York Times reporter Maureen Dowd.
“We are not talking about equal rights for men and women at the moment,” explains psychologist Gabriele Traverso, “but about that phase of courtship when a woman unconsciously expects a man to show himself as a protective father and a nursing mother at the same time: so, at the cultural level, the attraction of the sexes to each other is played out, as it were.
The man offering to split the bill is thus experiencing a different form of role-sharing.
However, according to Traverso, there is also a broader interpretation of different actions in such circumstances: the man who offers to split the bill is thus experiencing a different form of role-sharing. He seems to be saying, “I’m ready to give up my power in matters of money if you give up yours in the matter of sexuality.”
Yet few women share this hypothesis. “Often men use the excuse about feminism, hiding their own stinginess behind it., – says Anna, 30 years old. – It seems to me right and normal that a man pays on the first date. He has to seduce me, show his generosity in a way that doesn’t put pressure on me. This is the moment when no one should keep any calculations. Otherwise, the story starts badly.”
“I always pay the bill because I feel like this is what she wants,” explains Philippe, 49. “For me, it’s like telling her: I want you and I’m ready to do whatever you want. If she accepts it, then she is on the same wavelength with me. However, this point of view is not close to all men: some pay the bill simply for reasons of good taste. “I cry in a restaurant because I was taught that way. And what happens next is not included in this account,” says Sasha, 23 years old.
New roles, new games
The appearance of the bill is a delicate moment for the one or the one who was invited to dinner. “If I agreed to go on a date with someone I wouldn’t want to have sex with later, it would seem to me that I’m just taking advantage of the situation,” says Lara, 49. – There was a case when I realized that the man who invited me invested a decent amount in our date … As a result I felt indebted to him».
According to Traverso, there is no reason to feel obligated: “A man who is confident in his own masculinity does not feel in the red if the date does not continue, just as a woman who is confident in herself and her dignity does not feel guilty: after all, she has already offered him the pleasure of her presence in return. And that’s enough”.
Women who are waiting for the continuation do not show this to the man, embarrassed or not knowing if he wants the same
However, it happens that women who are waiting for the continuation do not show this to a man, embarrassed or not knowing if he wants the same. “If I pay for both of us, then I feel freer. I AM don’t have to lure her into bed to thank her for the company, says Phil, 35. – But I can, on the contrary, specifically invite a younger girl on a date, who herself takes the initiative and likes to play the role of a woman who decides everything herself. I also play this game, and with pleasure.
What do you think? Every man for himself – or a man pays? Or maybe a woman – if she initiated the date? Have you ever had any funny or embarrassing situations when paying the bill on a first date? Write in the comments.