On the one hand, the prospect of a first date fills us with a joyful sense of great opportunity. On the other hand, it inspires fear. Many of us can remember meeting a new acquaintance who at first made a vivid impression, but after a while it turned out to be deceptive. Psychologists identify several signs by which we can better understand how sincere and ready a person is for a relationship.
deceptive humor
We tend to fall under the spell of people with a sense of humor. Jokes elevate mood, and contagious laughter, which is transmitted to the interlocutor, creates a sense of togetherness. “Many women, when preparing for a blind date, are often afraid to meet a man who is outright dangerous or inadequate,” says Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. “Therefore, they respond to humor as an indicator of intelligence and flexibility of position, and especially appreciate self-irony, which is typical, as a rule, only for mentally healthy people.”
However, studies by psychologists Claudia Brumbauch and Chris Frahley show that behind the abundance of jokes there are sometimes extremely insecure people who, for one reason or another, find it difficult to build close relationships. And they use their wit to create the illusion of trust.
“Pay attention to whether even your counterpart’s brilliant sense of humor distracts you from himself,” says family psychologist and writer Peg Streep. – A self-confident person, tuned in to relationships, is not inclined at the very first meetings to such a small theater of one actor. It is rather closer to those who want to convince their partner, and often themselves, of the very ability to get closer.”
Optimum level of candor
Of course, dating an outright silent person is not a pleasure. However, studies show that being too forthcoming early in a relationship can be a red flag.
“Insecure people tend to share information extensively in the first meeting and are generally talkative,” says Peg Streep. – Such behavior is sometimes read by the interlocutor as openness and honesty on their part, but often this is not so. They are mainly focused only on themselves, their needs, and your world is not so dear and interesting to them.
What initially attracted us in a partner, in the end, can begin to annoy
At the same time, naturally anxious people may at some point seem more meaningful and deep – their stories seem to us more dramatic than those who feel more stable and secure. However, this is only the beginning of the acquaintance. When a relationship develops between people, this constant internal anxiety of a partner can be destructive to the relationship and difficult to accept.
Do opposites attract?
What initially attracted us in a partner, in the end, can begin to annoy. Psychologists William Swann, Jennifer Sellers and Katie Larsen McClarity in their study find out what happens when two potential partners reveal themselves differently in communication.
On one pole there is a liberated extraverted way of interaction, on the other – a more silent introverted one that needs pauses and comprehension. And if one person is inclined to openly demonstrate feelings and emotions, then the second one needs more time for a verbal response. An introvert is also likely to speak more quietly than an expressive extrovert.
“It is interesting that at the very beginning, the meeting of two opposites works to develop relationships, but in the future, such a constitutional difference in personalities can alienate people from each other,” says William Swann. Researchers note that in the case when a man is silent, this does not bother a woman. On the contrary, she calls him a good and attentive listener, which in turn she associates with kindness and reliability.
Only love can accept differences with joy, as an opportunity, and not as a negative fatality.
Such a man can also be attracted by female talkativeness – this is interpreted by him as openness and sincerity. However, the researchers found that in the end, in the vast majority of cases, men ended such relationships. Especially if female expansiveness was combined with a critical attitude.
At the same time, Lev Khegay believes that the difference in characters is not the main and not the only reason why people are able to leave. Relationship breakup may be due to deeper reasons.
“Relationships are established because they see their unrealized potential in a partner,” he says. “Therefore, the fact that we are aware of how different we are from a partner does not harm the union. The reason for the gap is the unwillingness to put up with the differences that we call incompatibility. In fact, often behind this is the inability to cope with their own problems. Only love can accept differences with joy, as an opportunity, and not as a negative fatality.
Tell only the truth?
A study by a group of psychologists led by Rowatt Wade showed that 81% of people who meet online tend to exaggerate their merits. “They lie about age, height, weight and financial solvency, not to mention the photoshop of their own photos,” says Wade.
The researchers note that the more attractive a potential romantic partner seems, the more willingly both men and women are ready to embellish themselves in his eyes. In numbers, it looks like this: 46% of men and 35% of women admit that they wished for reality in order to interest the chosen candidate and get a date with him.
“Of course, this does not mean that you will definitely meet with a “retouch reality” lover, but if you meet online and prepare for the first meeting, you should not discount the high probability of this, warns family psychologist Peg Streep. Jungian analyst Lev Khegai believes that it is not only the fear of rejection that prompts people to distort information about themselves. “To be or to seem is a difficult dilemma,” he says. – It only seems to a person that he is such and such, but he cannot be sure what impression he makes on others, how they see him. Too often we don’t know who we really are. And in this sense, we deceive the expectations of a partner unintentionally.
When a sincere connection has been established, some are ready to turn a blind eye to the lies made at the beginning.
A study by psychologist Tim Kohl shows that people hide the true facts about themselves and give out redacted information to their partner in personal meetings. for example, why he (she) failed to get a higher education, lost his job. If the relationship continues, then, as a rule, sooner or later the truth is always revealed.
When a sincere connection has been established between the partners and they are interested in developing an alliance, some are ready to turn a blind eye to the lie made at the very beginning in order not to lose their beloved. Worse, if you meet a person who knowingly tells a lie, in order to only skillfully create the illusion of warmth and trust. Due to such lies, he controls the boundaries of your intimacy. Kol calls such a partner a “feeling avoidant.” And if you, as you think, find a space of trust with him, this can cause severe trauma in the future.
Lev Khegay urges us not to forget that by entering into an online relationship, we automatically agree to the game. “Only a gaming rig allows you to get something interesting out of this experience,” he says. “Playing doesn’t mean lying or avoiding intimacy. Such a creative game allows us to find new, more adaptive behavior for us. And often this is by no means a departure from reality, but a new bridge to it.