We often say that finding true love is like winning the lottery. Maybe for a start it is worth reducing the number of tickets from which we choose? Anthropologist Helen Fisher knows how to do this.
Psychologies: What are the best circumstances for the emergence of love? How to find love?
Helen Fisher: We often fall in love during times of change: when we find a new job, when we get fired, or when we move to another city. Dangerous times also prime our brains for love.
For example, any economic downturn makes people pay more attention to fundamental values. However, there are no hard and fast rules. I’m just trying to put together the disparate pieces of the puzzle.
Why do we prefer one person to another?
You can walk into a room where all people belong to the same circle, have about the same level of intelligence, education and physical attractiveness, and not fall in love with any of them, because you will not have a corresponding chemical reaction with any of them.
What do you mean by chemical reaction?
In the course of my research, I have come to the conclusion that there are four main personality types, distinguished by the production of high levels of dopamine, serotonin, testosterone or estrogen.
I studied 28 responses to a specially designed questionnaire and found out that each of us is attracted to a certain type of people. And it happens in a completely natural way.
What is the difference between the four kinds of people you identified?
Those I call Explorers are high in dopamine, always striving for something new and creative. At first I thought that such people would be drawn to stable and family-oriented Builders, but this was a mistake.
We found out that the Explorers are looking for someone similar to themselves. Builders, who are primarily affected by serotonin, are looking for someone they can rely on – also a Builder. Such couples create strong families.
However, the theory that opposites attract is true if you are a Director or Negotiator type. These two groups feel mutual attraction.
Directors are highly competitive and determined, they have high testosterone levels, and Negotiators have a lot of estrogen, which makes them caring and empathetic. A great example of a Negotiator is Bill Clinton. He is expressive and able to speak well, while Hillary is a typical Director.
If we want to start a family, does that mean we need to look for the Builder?
You may not be naturally attracted to this type of person, but life circumstances may force you to make a conscious decision to find someone you can rely on who values home and family values.
This does not mean that other types of people are not capable of sustainable relationships, but they will be ready for them in other forms and at other periods of life. For example, Principals can be very devoted to the family, but they are workaholics and usually have a hard time getting away from work, plus they don’t like to date.
Is it possible to talk about people who are not made for each other?
Of course not. Every couple will have their own achievements and challenges. For example, two Explorers end up together. They won’t quarrel over how to cook dinner. But since they are both prone to bad habits, carelessness and flirting, a problem may arise here.
In each of us, four personality types are mixed, and often our personality and the way we love are influenced by our secondary type. Most Explorers have a very flexible view of morality, however Explorers/Builders tend to be more morally minded and look for a partner who shares their vision of duty.
Take the Helen Fisher Quiz to find out who you are in a relationship and which partner is right for you.