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When the conflict seems unresolvable, and all attempts to negotiate come to a standstill, an impartial third will help. A psychotherapist, lawyer or family mediator – a meeting with a specialist will allow you to stop disputes and reduce the level of negative emotions.
Many people try to solve their family problems alone: someone is hindered by pride, someone does not want to recognize the crisis that is already destroying the family, and someone simply does not realize that there are specialists who can turn to for help. But the majority of those who decided to meet with them confirm that the participation of a third party allowed them to survive the breakup, rethink it and see in it not a defeat, but a second chance offered by life.
Family Psychotherapy
Purpose: to understand the reasons that led to the destruction of relationships, to help it easier to survive a divorce. Couples come to counseling with a variety of issues. Someone wants to leave, while maintaining a good relationship. It is important for another to come to terms with the departure of a partner. But everyone is united by the desire to part with the least pain. “Often, spouses turn to a psychotherapist when one of them wants to end the marriage, while the other is resisting it,” says family therapist Anna Varga. – A spouse who is not ready to leave experiences acute pain and often blames himself for the situation. Often at this point, the two participants fall into a vicious circle, when it is no longer possible to express anything to each other but reproaches. Psychotherapy helps to cope with various situations that concern partners during a divorce. When deciding to meet with a psychologist, it is important to remember two things: every person has the right to live happily, and suffering does not lead to wisdom.”
Both spouses visit a psychotherapist. One of them may refuse, but usually with the support of a psychologist, the other partner manages to convince him of the need for a meeting. The therapy begins with a dialogue with one of the spouses in the presence of the other (then the roles change). Everyone talks about his feelings, desires, regrets, which allows the other to understand him. In the course of therapy, tension decreases and it becomes possible to move on to normal communication, to find out what led to the crisis. If there are children in the family, the specialist helps them to survive this difficult period.
A family therapist discusses with clients their relationship after a divorce, helps develop a new style of communication, accept other rules of life.
Requirements: meetings of the family therapist and clients last several months. Consultations cost from 500 rubles. up to $200 per hour: it depends on the experience and fame of the specialist.
Therapy or friendly advice?
Many of us still go to friends to complain about problems at home – in Russia, family therapists are rarely consulted. According to psychotherapist Anna Varga, there are three reasons for this. Firstly, we know little about such services, often confuse psychological care with psychiatric care, and are afraid of violating confidentiality. Another reason is “psychophobia”: our society is relatively tolerant of physical illnesses, and a person who has mental problems does not cause sympathy. The third obstacle on the way to a specialist is prices. “Not everyone knows that it is possible to participate in training programs,” says Anna Varga. – Families that allow students to watch the therapeutic process through a mirror glass usually receive help for free. You can also turn to a novice therapist – his services will cost less, while usually his work is accompanied by a more experienced specialist, providing “insurance” against mistakes.
J.S.
legal aid
Purpose: facilitate the material side of parting. The decision to part is made. But how do you get a divorce? How to “share” an apartment, a car? And with whom will the children live? Who will now pay for their English classes? “Many do not know how to formalize a separation with the least loss,” says family law specialist Svetlana Borisova. – Employees of legal consultation offices help to understand the intricacies of the divorce procedure, explain what each of the partners can claim and how to exercise parental rights. Assist with paperwork if needed.
To legally end the relationship, it is enough to apply to the registry office (if both spouses agree to leave and they do not have common minor children). If the couple cannot agree on the division of property, then this issue is considered by the justice of the peace. He also makes a decision on divorce if one of the spouses is against termination or agrees, but refuses to come to the registry office, and also if the family has common minor children.
The rights and obligations of spouses are determined by the Family Code of the Russian Federation. Everything acquired during a joint life is considered common and in a divorce is divided equally. In addition, each spouse receives property that belonged to him before marriage, received as a gift or by inheritance, as well as personal items: clothes, shoes (expensive jewelry and other luxury items do not belong to them). If there is a marriage contract, then it is he who determines the property rights and obligations of the spouses upon separation. If not, the husband and wife independently come to an agreement on the division of common property: the wife, for example, gets an apartment and a refrigerator, the husband gets a summer house and a car. In legal advice, they will be helped to notarize these agreements, as well as to prepare an agreement on the procedure for exercising parental rights of one of the parents who will live separately after the divorce. It specifies in detail how often, when and for how long a father or mother living separately will communicate with children, the material maintenance of the child is determined: alimony, expenses for treatment, education and rest. If the spouses cannot agree on the future of the children, the district court decides.
Requirements: appeal to legal advice – about 500 rubles. The services of a family mediator will cost $200.
Mission of the mediator
In most parts of the world, couples looking for a compromise are assisted by the service of “family mediators”. In Russia, these services are provided by only one legal consultation office. It is headed by Mikhail Labkovsky, a psychologist and lawyer, founder of the www.vseobrake.ru website.
Psychologies: What does the family mediation service do?
Mikhail Labkovsky: We help solve legal problems related to divorce: to divide property and business, to agree on the future of children. With our support, many issues are resolved without the participation of the court – people do not have to waste their nerves, time and money.
Do both spouses usually come to you?
More often, at the first meeting, we consult one of them, who is most interested in a conflict-free solution to the problem. Usually it’s the wife. Women are more likely to ask what they can claim in the event of a divorce, while men are interested in communicating with children. Both spouses are invited to subsequent meetings. If one of them refuses, I offer the other spouse options to talk to him, one of which usually leads to a positive result.
How often, when parting, spouses go towards each other?
We find a compromise in 70% of cases, at least an hour, a maximum of six months. In the process of negotiations, we recommend that the spouses begin to live according to the rules of the future agreement: the husband, for example, begins to pay the agreed amounts, meetings with the child take place at the set time. All this helps former partners to calm down and slowly get used to a new relationship.
M. K.
Have a question?
- Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists, tel. (495) 517 7524, www.supporter.ru.
- Professional Psychotherapeutic League of the Russian Federation, tel. (495) 105 9036, www.oppl.ru
- Family consultation of Mikhail Labkovsky, t. (495) 107 6924, www.vseobrake.ru.