1. Avoid interceding (taking the side of one of the children). Do not give them the slightest reason to feel your importance in the fight itself. Give up the role of judge, prosecutor or lawyer. Stop punishing the «guilty» and comforting the «innocent». If you feel that someone could be seriously hurt, then influence the situation. If, say, Jack takes a stick, you can silently take it away from him without stopping the fight itself. If you do this decisively, but at the same time calmly, without resorting to words, then the responsibility for the fight itself will still lie with the children involved in it. If you wish, you can silently and calmly lead them outside the place where the fight is taking place so that it does not cause you unnecessary anxieties and does not damage the furniture. If you decide that it is necessary to separate the children, take each to a separate place so that they cool off their ardor.
2. Calm children who are fighting. Crouch if necessary to catch up with them. Gently touch them. Look conciliatoryly at everyone, without judging or getting angry at anyone. If they are fighting over a toy, wait until they calm down, reach out to the object they are fighting over and say the following: “You will get this toy again when you decide how to share it so that no one is offended «. Then leave the room with the toy and let them sort things out for themselves. There is no need to intimidate them to stop a fight. Avoid phrases such as «Your fights just piss me off!» or «If you don’t stop fighting, I will lock everyone in my room!»
3. Describe in words (comment) what you see during the fight. When you give a comment without judging the participants in the fight, this allows the child to understand for himself that maybe he is doing something wrong. You convey to his mind the big picture of what is happening. If he himself is aware of what he is doing, then he can, if desired, choose whether he should continue the fight. Children will become defensive if you describe the fight in a judgmental tone.
4. Treat with understanding and sympathy for their anger towards each other, without denying or trying to reason with this feeling. For example, if your child says, “I hate my brother!”, respond with “Now I can understand all your anger at Dason,” instead of saying, “How can you hate your brother? It’s very wrong to say such things!» Feelings that are treated with understanding and empathy lose their power. They lose their destructive charge. Help your child think about what he is angry about, and lead him to the point where he can simply express his feelings to a sibling.
5. Help them negotiate so that both parties keep their own interests. Guide them along the path of peace negotiations. Emphasize that a fight will not help the cause, but “giving in” to it will not solve the problem. Help the children come to an agreement. Direct the dispute in such a direction to make sure that each of its participants receives its benefit. Compromise in this case is an ineffective way out. In most cases, it leaves both parties disadvantaged in their own interests. Do not attempt to negotiate while they are angry at each other. Nothing will work. If they start to get angry again, go back to points 3 and 4, namely, give a comment on what is happening and treat their anger with understanding, and only when their anger “cools down”, go back to negotiations. In the following example, a mother demonstrates the first five principles of the correct approach to a fight between children. Here they are in order of priority: calm the fighting children, describe what is happening (comment), do not intercede, treat their anger with understanding and sympathy, teach them to negotiate so that everyone remains in their own interests.
Example
Jenny and Andrea fight over a sweater.
Jenny screams, «Give it back to me!» Andrea hits backhand: “No, I took it first!” Jenny, fighting off her sister: “Stop hitting me! You’ll tear my jacket!»
Mom leans over the fighting girls to catch up with them, affectionately strokes their backs and comments on what she saw: “It looks like you really got mad at each other!”
Jenny, slightly relieved, «Mom, Andrea took my sweater again without permission!»
Mom, with understanding and sympathy: «It’s not easy to share clothes with each other.»
Andrea: «Yes, she won’t let me wear my sweater!» Jennie: “You never ask me! You only take it and also do not erase it! And when I want to vilify her, she is already dirty again!
Now Mom begins to lead them to negotiations in which both sisters must come to the desired result: “Here’s the thing, Andrea, how can you make both of you satisfied? What do you think Jenny wants? Andrea: «She wants me to ask her permission when I want to wear the sweater, and that I wash it when I wear it.» Mom: «Is this really what you want, Jenny?»
Jenny: «Yes, she always takes it without my permission!»
Mom: «So if Andrea asks you for permission before she takes your sweater and launders it when she wears it, will you both be happy?»
Jenny: «Yes.»
Mom suggests: «Ask Andrea what you want from her:» I want … «»
Jenny: «I want you to no longer take my sweater without permission and that you wash it when you wear it.»
Andrea: «Okay, I’ll do it.»
Mom: “Thank you for sorting everything out. I think it’s great that you willingly share clothes with each other.» Note: Notice how much more the children benefited from the help of their mother than if she said the following: “Come on, stop fighting now! I’m tired of hearing your cries. Stop now!» Or if Mom resolved this conflict by simply taking the sweater from Andrea and giving it to Jenny.
6. Let them listen to your conversation with a friend, in which you “accidentally” remember what a good way out they themselves found in a difficult situation.
7. If a fight causes you a lot of anxiety, then get out of the house and take a walk. Make sure you don’t leave the house in a fit of anger or slam the door behind you. Do it without talking. You should not throw in the end such words: “I’m tired of your constant quarrels and fights! I’m leaving!» When treated this way, children feel only guilt or begin to understand that with the help of a fight they can somehow manipulate your actions.
When we were little, we often quarreled with our sister.
Our parents did everything to stop us — put both in a corner, forced to kiss each other as a sign of reconciliation, and despite the fact that such methods restrained us for a while, we, as a rule, continued to be angry and offended by each other. on a friend.
Once, when we were fighting, my mother left the house without saying a word. This made us think about how much inconvenience we caused her with our fight, and how inconsiderate we were to her. As a result of my mother’s kind, but at the same time strict and silent attitude towards us, we not only stopped fighting, but also tidied up the kitchen while she was gone to give her a pleasant surprise and smooth over the guilt for upsetting her.
This mother’s act affected me much more than, say, punishment or a forced confession of guilt. We did not become angry and at enmity with each other, but we ourselves made a choice and stopped fighting.
8. Help them understand the pain and futility of fighting. Sometimes kids get so caught up in the fight itself that they don’t realize the harm they can do to each other. Help them understand this by asking the following questions: “How do you feel when you fight? Doesn’t that hurt you?» Just make sure your questions don’t sound like lectures.
9. Teach them self-control techniques. For example, teach your child to take a deep breath in through their nose and out through their mouth, count to ten, and tell themselves, «I’m calm and can handle this easily.» Show them an example of self-control by dealing with your own anger.
10. Teach your child how to stand up for himself and his rights, if he always yields and surrenders to the mercy of the conqueror. For example, if your child usually starts crying in response to the bullying and nagging of another, teach him how to yell at the offender. Let him practice doing this with you. Or, if your child gives in to his siblings, explain to him that this is not the best way out — to give up your intentions.
11. Teach your child how to respectfully and cheerfully join the company of playing children. Sometimes children become aggressive or begin to whimper pitifully if their brothers or sisters do not let them play with them. You can, by assigning roles, show by your own example how to join the company of children playing. Pay attention to the child that if he whines or makes claims to the players, other children will constantly leave him out of work. Use dolls or animals as visual aids.
12. Teach them the ability to communicate culturally, respectful of the interlocutor. Let your child memorize such turns of speech: “I think …”, “when you …”, “I want you …” You should not “dilute” communication with outbursts of anger and be aggressive in an effort to achieve the desired result.
13. Let your children know that they are whole and perfect beings in their own right, especially if they are too critical of their shortcomings, comparing them with the virtues of others. For example, if Jennifer complains to you, «Mom, I’m not as pretty as Nathan,» respond with, «It’s not that you’re not like her. I love you for being different from Nathan. You are both good in your own way. Why do I need two Nathans?”
14. Teach them to swap toys and change each other in any business. To do this, it is useful to use a timer or clock to help young children do things in turn.
15. Teach them to take the initiative to help each other when they are in trouble. For example: “Eric is upset about something. What could you do or say to make him feel better? Maybe you’d better ask him about it yourself?» 16. Don’t encourage snitching («Mom, Jerry is hitting me!») — better respond to it like this: «You must be in pain. What will you do to stop him from doing this? Usually, children tell a story when they want the one who offended them to have trouble with adults. If children realize that snitching does not bring them success, then they, as a rule, try to negotiate on their own.
17. Reward your child for doing his or her best instead of encouraging the spirit of competition. For example, if Rachel says, “Look Mom, I got A’s and Heather didn’t,” respond with “Looks like you tried really hard and did your best” instead of “I wish Heather could take it.” for the mind and learn just like you. (For more on this topic, see Chapter 5.)
18. Do something unexpected. If your kids call each other names, join them in a playful way. For example, Joyce angrily yells at Andrea, «You brainless cow!» Andrea answered him: “And you are a stupid, bad monkey!” Dad, after watching a little of what is happening, says casually: «Great!», And then, turning to Joyce: «You are a piece of green slippery pasta covered with mold, which was forgotten in the refrigerator!» Then he turns to Andrea and says, «Now it’s your turn!» And so they replace each other. After a few minutes, everyone is already laughing …
19. Avoid passing judgment in a dispute, create equal conditions for both sides. For example, if two sisters are arguing over which book to read to them, set them on the same footing (“put them in the same boat”) by saying, “When the two of you decide which book to read, come up and tell me.” This will keep you from passing judgment and having to choose which child to give preference to, as well as teach them the ability to negotiate among themselves and take responsibility for resolving their own problems.
Here are examples of how you can give children the same conditions (“put them in the same boat”)
There was a roar. Mom hurried down the stairs and found on the floor a shattered lamp «So, who did it?» Sarah pointed her finger accusingly at her brother. «It’s Mike.» “You are all lying. I did not do it. It’s you!» Mike defends. «You know I don’t like being lied to! So who did it?» Mom demands an answer. And again, both children deny their guilt and blame it on each other. Finally, Mom turned to Mike: “You are always in trouble, you are the oldest, and you better know how everything happened. Now put away your ‘work’ and no TV sets until the end of the week!”
In most families, moms and dads take on a completely useless role of judges. In the example above, the mother, due to her oversight, assigned certain roles to the children, without thinking at all what this would lead to in the future. She emphasized that Sarah was younger than her brother, and the girl clearly tried to do everything so that her brother was in a more disadvantageous position compared to her. Mike’s role as the eldest who causes nothing but trouble is also confirmed by his mother’s words. In addition, Mom imprudently turned Mike against herself. He will harbor resentment and anger because she sided with her sister. One thing is certain — he will eventually find a way to «pay off» with her. Stop for a moment and think it over. How might such predetermined roles affect children’s future adult lives? Believing in his «uselessness», Mike, perhaps, will choose a far from righteous path and, having married, will begin to deceive his wife. It’s pretty easy to guess what might happen to Mike, but what about Sarah? Will she choose someone who will be on equal terms with her as her life partner? Or maybe she will show a penchant for relationships in which her superiority will be noticeable? Such an extreme is not ruled out that she will opt for a person who will be gu.e. deal with her. The bottom line is that in any case, she will want to «favorably» look in comparison with the «bad» person who will enter her life. If we readily take on the role of judges, then we teach our children to fall into direct dependence on an influential, authoritative person who is able to determine the justice of the deed. At the same time, we contribute to the formation of erroneous ideas about life itself. After all, life isn’t always fair. Children whose parents «provide» for them justice in everything, often, becoming adults, believe that it is enough for them to simply express their dissatisfaction with injustice, without taking any action. They have already learned a lesson for themselves that fighting injustice is the lot of anyone, but not them!
Acting as judges, we stimulate children’s rivalry. It is necessary to «put them in the same boat.» This means that children interact as a unit or as a team. By doing so, you will relieve yourself of the heavy burden of being judge, jury, and prosecutor at the same time. Let’s use the example above again, putting the children in the same boat.
There is a roar. Mom comes down the stairs and says: «It looks like something unpleasant happened to you.» Both children begin to blame each other. Mom hugs them both and says, «It doesn’t matter which one of you broke the lamp, you better help clean it all up.» The three of them clean up what’s left of the lamp.
Then Mom asks them in a friendly tone: “Are you both ready to contribute 50 cents every week from your pocket money from today to the family budget so that before Christmas you will save enough money to buy a new lamp?” “But, mother, it’s just as unfair! I didn’t break it!» Sarah complains, «Do you have a better idea?» Mom asks. “Yes, make Mike pay. He’s smashed her!» Sara demands. Mom replies: “I won’t do this, because I don’t want to stand up for any of you. If you have any other thoughts on this, please let me know. In the meantime, I’ll deduct 50 cents from your pocket money.»
This is where you might be thinking to yourself, “But that’s not fair!” It is not always necessary to be honest and fair, you also need to think about the correct, effective impact on children. In the second example, the mother did not once again emphasize Mike’s «bad reputation», but she did not single out Sarah’s peculiarity, letting her know that she was «superior» to her brother in some way. When we use the “putting children in the same boat” method, often the troublemaker stops misbehaving. Indeed, due to the fact that now a brother or sister begins to share with him the consequences of “their behavior”, he loses the desire to stand out, breaking the order. The words «their behavior» are not chosen by chance, they contain the meaning of this method, which is expressed in the mutual assistance of children.
It is amazing to see children who do not tend to misbehave when they are placed on an equal footing with those whose misbehavior has become the norm. These children are forced to share all the hardships of the consequences of misconduct, being «in the same boat» with violators of the order.
For example, the children started a quarrel in the car. Parents drive to the side of the road, stop the car and wait until the passions subside. The quarrel usually dies down because the children begin to put pressure on each other, speaking in such a way: “Please stop arguing. You know that mom and dad won’t move until you stop acting like that.»
This technique is effective only when the parents do not openly express their dissatisfaction with the quarrel itself. At the very moment when the quarrel starts to flare up, do not say anything, but just look for a place where you can stop the car. It is sometimes useful for adults to get out of the car and take a walk. This will relieve unnecessary worries, keep them from getting involved in a quarrel, and allow children to take responsibility for resolving the conflict.
At a summer camp, I happened to be transporting two children in a van who started an argument between themselves during the trip. I didn’t say a word to them, but looked for a good spot to park the van, stopped, got out, and sat down on a nearby hillock. One of the guys came up to me and asked: “What happened?” I said: “Nothing happened, I just don’t like listening to your argument. I’ll wait until you’re done.» The boy ran into the van, and a minute later they both called me: “Come back here, we don’t argue anymore!” We drove on. On the way back to the camp, they had an attempt to argue again, but as soon as I slowed down a little, the conflict was exhausted.
Note that often the influence on naughty children from their peers is much more effective than our parental influence. For obvious reasons, you won’t stop your car at rush hour on a busy highway or when you’re about to be late for work. However, if you agree to practice this method every time you have enough time, then the results will exceed all your expectations. Moreover, children will not quarrel in the car even if you are in a hurry somewhere.
“Putting children in the same boat” teaches them not only to be responsible for their own misdeeds, but also not to provoke others into bad behavior. Let the child think proudly, “I am the kind of person who can keep my brother out of trouble.”
Let’s summarize the discussion of the problem of fights and quarrels between children. Remember the four main points: do not stand up for anyone; calm the fighting; put them on an equal footing (“put them in the same boat”); teach children to be responsible for the successful outcome of the conflict, which is based on the ability to negotiate so that everyone wins.