Fight or retreat? Cheat Sheet for Difficult Decisions

Each of us has found ourselves in situations where it is difficult to make a choice and there are no guarantees that you will not regret it later. I want to flip a coin, leave the decision to fate … But this is self-deception: your doubts will not go anywhere.

Let’s say you got a new job. At first, everything suits you: a spacious office, nice colleagues, interesting projects. It seems that this is what you dreamed about. But soon you notice that the boss likes to arrange executions for everyone on trifles, and “pretty” colleagues weave intrigues behind their backs. Or another example: after several years of marriage, your partner suddenly stuns you with the statement “I don’t want children.” You haven’t talked to him about it before, and it’s not like having kids is a priority for you… But now, despite all your love for him, you have doubts. Maybe you should break up with him now?

Life cannot be paused or saved, like in a video game, in order to play out all possible scenarios. We still make some choice, even if we avoid any action. But if we master the art of making difficult decisions, we can rid ourselves of the lion’s share of doubts and regrets.

1. What would Captain America do?

Doubt makes us vulnerable. Fear, anxiety, despondency appear. Without realizing it, we stop assessing the situation objectively and in the end we begin to think only about one thing: if only it would end. Anything, any way out, just to get out of this endless circle.

To prevent this from happening, it is useful to abstract. Ask yourself, “What would the other person do?” You don’t know if he has to pay a loan or pay for driving lessons. But this is not bad: extra information creates noise in the head and makes it difficult to see the value of each option.

Do not demand from yourself what you would not demand from others. If you hold double standards, you are condemning yourself to painful hesitation in the future.

2. Turn off the brain, turn on the feelings

Sometimes they get in the way: for example, that time when you rashly rude to your mother, although she simply commented on your new hairstyle. But feelings are a great helper in a situation where the mind gets bogged down in details and plays the same scenarios over and over again.

Listen to yourself. Wait for the moment when the anger subsides, the sadness subsides, the shame becomes dull. Stay with your feelings, try to decipher what they tell you. Try to name your experiences, evaluate their strength. What moments irritate you? Inspiration? Anger?

3. Expand the standard list of pros and cons

We usually make lists like this: we divide the page into two parts – for each option – and write down the arguments in favor of one and the other. But try for a change to make a separate list of pros and cons for each option.

It may seem that the arguments in favor of one solution will automatically migrate to the number of arguments against another. But often this method reveals nuances that simply did not come to mind. For example, arguments against divorcing your partner may include your feelings for them, your need for care and support, and your fear of being alone. On the other hand, when compiling a list of arguments for divorce, you can think more about yourself: about your needs that you cannot fulfill in this relationship, about your new requirements for relationships, for your family. Even if you decide to keep the relationship, this list can help you better understand yourself.

4. Before you leave – fight

Or maybe the choice is not so sharp? Maybe problems can be solved without slamming doors? For example, explain to your boss that excessive regulation prevents you from concentrating and submitting everything on time. Or take a closer look at your colleagues: perhaps there are those among them who also do not like the atmosphere in the team.

If your partner does not want children right now, this does not mean that he will not want them in a year. Perhaps some fears are hidden behind the refusal of parenthood? Maybe his own parents didn’t take care of him too much, were rude to him, and now he is afraid of not being able to cope with this role? Talk to your partner, convince him to share his experiences. Go to a family therapist together – he can help you deal with the situation.

There is nothing wrong with expressing your wishes persistently, but correctly. If you passively accept what is happening to you, or lose your temper at the slightest annoyance, you may be the problem, and you should work on self-esteem.

Of course, you should not fall into illusions: you cannot change people, and there is always a risk that they will not listen to you. But at least you can make a decision with a light heart, knowing that you’ve tried everything.

5. Imagine there is no choice

Take, for example, doubts about work.

Your work is not the best in the world. If you had the opportunity, you would find something else. But this is the only job on earth. You will have to stay. Listen to yourself. What do you feel – relief, regret, something else?

Do the same operation with another option: what if you were laid off? You have nowhere to go – you need to comb the Internet again in search of vacancies and send out resumes. How do you feel now? Weigh your feelings and use them to make a decision.

6. Perhaps the choice has already been made

You just didn’t realize it. If you notice that all your thoughts revolve around one option and you are annoyed to miss it – do not be fooled. Do what you have a soul for. It’s better to do what you want, regardless of the cost, than to curl up like a pretzel and end up with nothing but dissatisfaction.

Remember: important decisions don’t come easy. There are no magic pills that unlock the part of the brain where all the right answers lie. But instead of going from wall to wall in anxiety, set yourself a deadline (day, week) and act.