Feelings of guilt in the lives of parents and children

Guilt overwhelms parents for any reason. It may seem to you that because of you the baby does not sleep at night, that he has a fever, that your beloved student grabbed another deuce, that your daughter does not have a relationship with her girlfriends, that your son contacted the wrong company that … thousands » what». Maybe it is. But if you sink into your guilt, it becomes very difficult — in fact impossible — to find the right solution, to understand the child and help him. Guilt takes away strength, because of it you plunge headlong into everything: into anger, into depression, into regret, into repentance, self-criticism. And you come back completely empty and exhausted.

Every time my son and I returned from kindergarten, an insurmountable obstacle arose in our way in the form of a children’s toy store. Here steps slowed down, and then the same phrase was uttered: “Mom, I’ll just look, okay?” I nodded my head, and my baby, sighing softly, began to contemplate the monsters displayed in the window. I don’t know how he succeeded, but although he didn’t beg, didn’t whine or demand, for some reason we always went to the store and I always bought him another plastic mess. I bought it, although I felt that I was doing something wrong again. Firstly, it is absolutely non-pedagogical — to buy a monster every evening, and secondly, it is useless, because in an hour and a half my boy (I knew for sure) will dismantle this thing for parts and throw it to hell. That’s how things went.

He sighed, I bought, I bought, he broke. But once, when, during the general cleaning, all the carcasses of these very monsters were pulled by me into the light of day and stacked in a pile, and the pile turned out to be oh-oh, what an impressive one, it suddenly dawned on me: and my beloved son is a talented manipulator. And, accordingly, I am a complete bungler who goes on about him. «Everything! I said to myself, no stalls full of monsters. I was determined, honestly. And … after a couple of weeks, I was surprised to find that nothing, in fact, had changed. True, we didn’t buy monsters anymore, but … but the house was filled with children’s comics and kinder surprises. In general, as in mathematics: from a change in the places of the terms, the sum does not change. And the amount (in the sense: the price) worried me. And not so much monetary as moral. What am I crying for? And I paid for the same things that many generations of conscious parents pay for. For a peaceful conscience.

Shopping is a consequence. The reason was different. The teacher changed in the group, and the son fell out of love with kindergarten at once. Every morning he asked to be left at home — this is the time. But I still led (and where, in fact, I had to go?) — these are two. She repented and «corrected» — she cleared her conscience with this very regular trinket — these are three. Oral counting put everything in its place.

Now I knew why I do what I blame myself for. Because of the feeling of guilt, which was conveniently located somewhere inside me and ached, ached, ached … It remained to take some measures. I went to kindergarten, talked to the teacher, she began to treat the boy more gently and more attentively, and the problems ended. And — just a miracle! — the problem is gone — the feeling of guilt is gone! Of course, we continued to buy toys, but now I could calmly say “no” to the child when it was necessary.

What happens to guilty parents

Let’s take a look at what happens when we sink into guilt:

1. We become addicted to our children.

And then:

a) we strongly patronize them, appease, fawn over, give gifts, become condescending where it is necessary to show firmness and character, in general, we connive;

b) or, on the contrary, we become too strict, gooey, impatient, authoritarian parents.

2. We condemn ourselves and waste energy, strength and time in vain: strength is spent not on correcting, but on repenting.

And then: children manipulate us.

3. We are looking for the guilty.

And then: we shift the responsibility onto other people’s shoulders.

4. We create a strong sense of guilt in our own child («if you…»). See →

And then: his self-esteem falls, the child loses confidence, he values ​​himself low, and we, it turns out, are preparing him for failures and repeating his own mistakes.

5. Losing direction.

And then: children stop believing in our unconditional love.

Guilty children without guilt

Guilt is like a dam in the path of love. It does not allow love to flow freely and openly. It makes us fuss, be ashamed, demand, strain, test — and still feel like inferior parents of inferior children.

Once, after a parent-teacher meeting, one dad approached me with complaints about his teenage son: what a goo he is, unlucky, lazy, he still speaks normally to his mother, but he absolutely does not want to recognize me (his own father). We had a long conversation, and this is what we found out. Once upon a time, dad dreamed of raising an athlete from his son and, according to him, made a lot of efforts. He regularly took the child to sports sections. It was “surrendered”, since the son himself was not eager to go there. Football, basketball, weightlifting, track and field, boxing — they tried everything, but the boy did not take root anywhere. Who knows, maybe he was just born unsportsmanlike, or maybe he didn’t see the point in it. At first, dad was worried, angry, but could not do anything. At first, he blamed himself for the fact that he himself did not have time to take care of his son. But gradually the emphasis somehow shifted. An unsportsmanlike son became an annoying factor for his father, a reminder of his own fault. And such feelings as anger (at himself) and dissatisfaction (with himself), the father transferred to the child. He began to blame his son for what at first he considered himself guilty. And gradually the word «sport» in this house turned into a synonym for the word «loafer» and «loafer», and the relationship went wrong completely.

The father was blinded by guilt. He didn’t see what else he could do, because all his emotions had gone into blaming, not looking for a way out.

Could this dad introduce his son to the sport and maintain a good relationship with him? I think so. First, he could honestly admit to himself: yes, I feel guilty because I don’t take care of my son.

Second:

a) do what is possible (what the boy can do). Skiing in winter, swimming together in summer, chasing a ball while barbecues are fried, climbing trees, running on the grass, and somersaulting on the horizontal bar and wrestling on the carpet at home … Replace coaching with a fun game and just communicate at the same time. It’s so cool! Maybe the boy would not have become an athlete, but they would have become friends — that’s for sure.

Or b) as a last resort, the father could leave the child alone. Well, he’s not an athlete — that’s all. You should not force children to do what you yourself are not able to do (do not want to).

You can propose, you can agitate, but not impose. This is still better than toiling yourself with guilt (that you failed) and gradually instilling the same feeling in a child.

Guilt splits a person in half: one part of him says “must”, the other says “I can’t / I don’t want to.” It’s better to choose one thing and not split. And life will become easier, and educational problems will become much easier to solve.

And most importantly, you will maintain mutual understanding with your children.

How to get rid of guilt

1. Ask yourself the right question. Not “who is to blame?” But “what to do?”.
2. Guilt appears because of the contradiction between “should” and “can’t / don’t want to”. (Choose one.)
3. Do it.

A. Come and apologize. Saying «I’m sorry» is getting out of guilt. If there is no child nearby, call, write a letter. You may not send a letter, but explain to yourself why you did so. And you will understand: at that moment you could not do otherwise — it did not work out. For example, you yelled at a child for no reason at all. Repent. It’s great: to honestly repent of what you are guilty of. You will immediately feel relief. You do not make excuses, but apologize, that is, you admit your mistake and want to correct it.

B. Decide what you can do right now.

B. And then analyze the situation properly. Find your pluses in the minuses. For example, «but when I apologized, my teenager smiled at me for the first time in a month.»

D. Decide how you will deal with similar situations in the future. If, for example, you find it difficult to hold back when negative emotions overwhelm you. Think of ways to get rid of them without offending your loved ones. For example, rush to wash the floor, wash the blanket, you can jump out with the dog for a walk, lift the toilet lid and speak well. Force yourself to follow this rule always! At first, there will be breakdowns, as you need to get rid of an old habit. Hold on for three weeks — this is the minimum time for a habit to develop. During this time, a new good habit (with which you have replaced the bad one) will begin to take root.

D. Praise Yourself for Consistencyfor having the courage to do what you decide to do. It’s even better to record your victories. For example, mark them in a calendar-daily with a big exclamation point. The more there are, the easier it will be for you.

E. Be loyal to «relapses». You can take on the old again — it’s our nature to master the new. There is almost always a step back. But don’t think that you didn’t succeed. Guilt is like a disease: if it is chronic, it takes time to heal. But with each step you will get better and better.

Also, forgive yourself.

What does it mean to forgive? It’s just growing.

Grow with your child — like a parent.

Let’s listen to these words.

«Sorry» — «out of guilt.» From guilt — to get out, that is, to be freed from it.

«I’m sorry» — «just grow.»

Note! Do not repent, do not suffer, but correct. And grow, just grow with your little man. That is to become wiser …

Don’t teach kids to be guilty

The habit of being guilty does not arise from scratch. We have been trained for this since childhood, and, I must say, many children make excellent students. And then, when they themselves become parents (and teachers of their children), the relay race continues.

Babies are not guilty, because they still do not know what is “bad” and what is “good”. Gradually we teach them this. How else? Every child must learn to restrain his impulses, to learn and observe many rules of social behavior, to distinguish bad from good. This is how we make a civilized person out of a child. In the process of such learning, we approve or condemn it. And by this, voluntarily or involuntarily, we awaken a sense of guilt.

It begins when the first time the parents say to the child «I’m sorry.» Apologize to your aunt for saying she was fat. She was offended (because it’s true), ask for forgiveness. Apologize for hitting the boy (even though he started first). And the child does not feel guilty — he told the truth, what really is, or tried to protect the girl. But he is taught to be honest and protect the weak. And since the child cannot resist adults, he has to accept and, perhaps, consider that he is actually to blame. And this is the first step towards an internal split.

Parents teach him to tell the truth and make him apologize for saying it. They do not explain why it is necessary to do this and that, they do not make sure that the actions of their child are consistent with the principles. Of course, over time, the child adapts to this duality. But for some children, guilt remains a useful signal that corrects behavior, for others it develops into a guilt complex — and this is already discomfort, tension, fears and loss of self-confidence.

Guilt is a signal

We try to do as much as possible for children. But «more» does not mean «better». Every growing person has vital (basic) needs, and our task is to satisfy them, and on time and correctly. If we do this, everything is fine, the child feels our love, responds to it and blossoms.

If not, all sorts of problems appear. And then, realizing that something is going wrong with us, we begin to blame ourselves. They didn’t manage, they say, they didn’t do it, they couldn’t …

Of course, we make mistakes, but it does not matter if we notice them in time and correct them. Wise nature helped us in this. She created a signal to which it is impossible not to respond — pain. It’s hard to get rid of her. When the head hurts, or the stomach, or the leg, we willy-nilly react to it. Someone drinks pills, someone calms the nerves, someone is seriously engaged in treatment. We try to get rid of pain and discomfort, because for life we ​​need a healthy body, because this way it is better and easier for us.

Guilt is also a signal, it is also pain, but not of the body, but of the soul. If you do something wrong, guilt will point you to it. Guilt is a signal: you are doing something wrong, fix it. If you treat her like that, then everything will be fine. You will find the cause and take the necessary measures. Guilt vanishes, just as pain vanishes from a healed body.

Alternatively, you are unable (or unwilling) to determine the cause of guilt. And then the guilt remains. Then a sad thing happens: “guilt” becomes chronic (psychologists call this state “guilt complex”). And, like a chronic disease, it will gnaw at you from the inside for a long time and tediously, maybe all your life. It will have its own even periods and will have its relapses, and it will certainly become a source of family troubles and breakdowns.

Test. Who makes a child feel guilty? Are you yourself?

This test will help you find out if you are keeping a sense of proportion when teaching him «what is good, what is bad.» See →

Feelings of guilt in the lives of parents and children. Workshop

Very often, conscientious parents worry about the fact that they spend little time with their children and pay little attention to them. As a result, the feeling of guilt gnaws at them so much that they either spoil the children, showering them with gifts, condoning no longer innocent pranks, or, trying to catch up, rush to educate them where necessary and where not necessary. See →