It happens that parents who love each other give birth to a second child to give life to a new person, and are ready to accept and love him as he is. Fathers and mothers expect that the birth of a second child will have a beneficial effect on the first child. The elder will take care of the younger, brotherly share with him things, toys, delicacies, which will serve as a good “cure” for selfishness. The firstborn will be spared from loneliness — children will be able to play and walk together. But for some reason, the older child is not happy at all. Instead, he suddenly begins to demand that the parents «return» the little brother or sister (taken back to the hospital, handed over to the store, given to the stork who brought him, etc.). Why is this happening and how should parents behave in such a situation?
Mom and dad should show patience and tact. The child behaves this way not because he is cruel and greedy, but because he is jealous. This is due to a sharp change in his position in the family. Your firstborn has two strong feelings: fear because of the possibility of losing your love and anger because all his attempts to regain his monopoly on the attention of mom and dad are not successful.
A child whose parents want to have several children will certainly lose the status of the only one, and rivalry cannot be avoided when a second child appears. Does this mean that the elder’s dislike for the younger is inevitable? No. But you will have to make some efforts to prevent this.
First of all, moms and dads should be careful about the words of their children. Many children ask to «give» them a baby. Such requests reassure parents who decide to have another child. And some mothers and fathers seriously think about whether it is worth fulfilling the dream of a son or daughter. At the same time, adults do not take into account that a four-five-year-old child does not always understand what he is asking for. Most likely, he saw someone pushing a stroller with a baby around the yard, and now he is just jealous. What other consequences, besides the opportunity to play «little mom» or «little dad», will lead to the fulfillment of his request, he does not realize.
Therefore, regardless of what the child tells you about his desire to have a brother or sister, prepare the eldest in advance for the arrival of the youngest. A simple message that a younger brother or sister will be born soon is not enough for a child of three or four years old. Try the following tips.
Psychologist tips
1. Try to connect the upcoming event with specific moments in the child’s life: “What a beautiful tower you built! When you have a sister, will you teach her how to build the same one? Together with your brother, it will be even more interesting for you!
2. Emphasize that the elder is your assistant, that you rely on him. “Soon, daughter, a small child will appear in our house. The trouble will immediately increase: wash the diapers, and run to the dairy kitchen, and bathe the child, and you will have to walk with him. Dad and I can’t do it together. It’s good that we have you! Will you help?» Well, what child will say «no» when they are addressed as an adult?
3. Consult with the firstborn: how to name the future baby, what color of diapers to buy, where to put the crib. If the child’s opinion does not coincide with yours, but is quite acceptable, consider whether it is worth giving in. Mom and dad’s respect for the child’s point of view will allow him to feel involved in the ongoing events, and not relegated to the background by them.
4. After the birth of the baby, try to arouse interest in the elder for a new family member. “Look how tiny his arms and legs are!”, “Really, is he funny when he sleeps?”, “Have you seen how much appetite he eats?” Do not be upset if you do not notice special sympathy for the baby from the first child. After all, a newborn is a stranger to him. Let the first-born perceive the youngest as a «living doll» for now. Curiosity is no longer indifference. And the charm of the little one will surely awaken tenderness in the heart of the elder.
5. Remember, you promised your older child that he would help you take care of the newborn? Now is the time to keep the promise. Let the elder make his own contribution to the care of the baby. Be sure to emphasize how important the help of your firstborn is to you. You bathe a newborn, and the eldest daughter sings a song so that he does not cry: “Thank you, daughter.” On a walk with your son, you are carrying a stroller with a baby: “It would be hard for me alone. Thank you son.»
6. Encourage any manifestation of attention and care of the elder in relation to the baby. Even if it’s an extra hassle for you. Of course, it is easier and faster to rock the baby yourself than to entrust it to your daughter. Diapers washed by inept children’s hands will most likely have to be washed. But the joy and pride of a child will serve you as a worthy reward for your patience.
Childish insult. How to be?
The mother of two daughters (five and a half years old and one year old) is concerned about the behavior of the eldest. The girl copies the behavior of her younger sister: she pretends not to be able to speak, cries like a baby, asks to buy a slider, shake it in her arms. Several times she pulled her little sister out of the crib and lay down in it herself. Mom believes that the reason for this behavior is childish jealousy, and tries not to pay attention to it. “I pretend that I don’t hear or see anything. In my opinion, such actions should not be encouraged, because she is already a big girl! Mom explained to us.
The eldest child in the family, regardless of his age, often hears from us «You are already an adult.» We usually say this when we rebuke him for wrongdoing and bad behavior, or when we try to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do. Oddly enough, at the same time we ourselves sincerely believe that our first-born is already “big”. We do not think about the fact that quite recently, before the birth of our second child, the first one was “small” for us. For this reason, we forgave him those leprosy and whims for which we are now punishing. Why? Maybe with the advent of the second child in the house, the eldest has changed? No. He is still the same age. But we, the parents, began to treat the first-born differently. And the child quite rightly takes offense at us for this. Try to get around sharp corners by using a number of recommendations.
1. It is not easy for your son or daughter to get used to the fact that they are already big. Don’t be too categorical. Let your child be a «baby» sometimes. Cries like a newborn — take it in your arms, rock it. Climbed into the crib of the youngest — pretend that you did not notice the «substitution». Can’t sleep — sing a lullaby. For a child, this is evidence of your love. The need to copy the behavior of a small child will disappear if the first-born is sure that he is loved no less than the second child.
2. Remember that «senior» does not mean «adult». Try to ensure that your requirements correspond not only to the new status of the child in the family, but also to his real age, his capabilities. You can trust the firstborn to make sure that the little one does not fall off the changing table while you run to the kitchen and remove the boiled milk from the stove. He is quite serious and responsible for this. But you should not ask the child to sit with a younger brother or sister for half a day. This is an impossible task for a person of four or five years, even if he is now an «adult».
3. Being an adult means having not only additional responsibilities, but also additional rights. We demand that the older child behave well, help mom and dad, be neat, responsible, etc. After all, he is already big. But watch TV until late, decide whether to eat or stay hungry, and in general he has no right to object to his parents — he is still small. Any child will rebel against such a system of double standards. Perhaps, making “adult” demands on a child, it is worth recognizing some “adult” rights for him.
4. Strive to ensure that the concepts of «senior», «adult» are associated for the child with positive emotions. Avoid the words «you’re already big» when scolding or trying to force you to do something unpleasant. But to praise for help and obedience, saying: “Well done! What an adult assistant I have!”, does not hurt. Then the child will want to be an adult — it’s so nice!
5. No matter how hard you try, absolute equality between children cannot be achieved. The younger child requires more attention than the older one. Yes, and a completely different approach is needed to the baby: you will not always punish for an offense, sometimes you have to give in to his requirements, etc. But this is not scary. The main thing is that the eldest son or daughter does not feel deprived of parental love. After all, you can equally share delicacies, toys, clothes between children, but at the same time pay less attention to one of them: with formal equality, the child will still feel lonely.
6. Try to pay more attention to the elder. Of course, it’s not easy. With the advent of the second child, mom and dad had more trouble. The baby needs to be fed, bathed, walked with him, wash diapers. And this is in addition to the usual household chores: shopping, preparing lunches and dinners, cleaning the apartment, etc. And, God forbid, there will be health problems for the little one. Tired and irritated parents often do not care about the feelings of an older child. Therefore, he hears every now and then: “Go away!”, “Don’t interfere!”, “You see, I’m busy without you!”
Mom refuses to read him a fairy tale before going to bed, dad does not allow him to bring friends home. But the eldest is only three or four years old! He still does not understand that his mother is angry because she is tired, that it is impossible to make noise because the little one is sleeping. If you push the child away, he will conclude that mom and dad love their little sister or little brother more — they mess around with the baby all day and do not yell at him at all. And then in the soul of your first-born, resentment towards the parents and hostility towards the “culprit” of his misfortunes can settle.
No matter how busy you are, try to find time for your older child. Let it be 10-15 minutes a day, but completely belonging to him. For example: the youngest fell asleep — mom can read a book to her firstborn; mom went for a walk with the baby — that means dad and son can play a little; the grandmother agreed to sit with the youngest grandson — parents can take the older one to the zoo. It’s not too hard to find a few minutes a day, but they will save the child from the feeling that he is abandoned and not needed.
7. Be careful and tactful when you praise or make comments. Try not to scold your child in front of his brother or sister. It is better if the misconduct or failure remains between you and the child. Firstly, there is a danger that other children will have a desire to laugh at the offender. And then there will be quarrels. Secondly, public punishment is a serious blow to a person’s self-esteem. And even if brothers and sisters do not gloat, it is difficult to demand that a child be kind to witnesses of his humiliation.
It is necessary not only to scold, but also to praise wisely. First of all, of course, it should not turn out that you praise one child all the time, and the other very rarely. This does not mean that the one who succeeds should be praised less. But you must learn to see what you can praise another for. For example: one easily coped with your order, and the other, no matter how hard he fought, could not. Of course, the first one deserves your approval. But after all, the second one can be praised, for example, for diligence. In addition, so that the second one is not so offended, you can praise him “in advance”: “What a good fellow Masha is with us! Kostenka will try and will definitely do it too. Truth?»
8. Many parents ask: “Should I interfere in children’s conflicts?” It is probably impossible to give an unambiguous answer to this question. After all, there are conflicts and conflicts. Of course, if you see that physical strength has already been used, then you need to intervene. Separate the fighters. Find out what is causing the fight. But only in general terms, one should not arrange an inquiry in order to establish the main culprit. Say that you are very upset by the behavior of both children. Advise how you can settle the matter amicably. But if the kids are just arguing, refrain from interfering.
Parents who, at the first sign of a quarrel, begin to figure out who is right and who is wrong, encourage snitching: “Mom, Sasha took my typewriter from me. Tell me to give!” Stay away. Let children learn to resolve conflicts themselves. Such “training” with brothers and sisters will be useful for the child in the future when communicating with other people.
Moms and dads should learn not to be afraid of children’s quarrels. «Lovely swear — only amuse.» This saying can be applied not only to lovers, but also to brothers and sisters. How often one can observe such a picture: children who have just quarreled, even fought, again peacefully play together. Children, as a rule, are not vindictive and do not treat conflicts the way we adults do. Well, they argued, quarreled, sorted out the relationship — and forgot, you can be friends again.
9. Teach children to cooperate. Encourage them to do things together. Be sure to praise if they play or work together. Try to create situations for the joint activity of the elder and the younger. Let the baby help his older brother or sister as often as possible. The younger one will be proud of the trust placed, and the older one will be proud of the role of mentor and leader.
If your first-born is sure that mom and dad love him as much as before the appearance of the youngest child, he will calmly endure the fact that the baby is given more time and attention, willingly share his things with him and will be happy to help his parents take care of his sister or brother.