Feelings are parasites: how to distinguish them from genuine ones

In childhood, feelings arise naturally, but we quickly get used to the fact that some of them like our parents more than others. We try to demonstrate these “good” feelings in order to please them. They are fixed, and in communication with others, we involuntarily continue to behave in the same way. Gradually, parasitic feelings replace genuine ones, and we, without noticing it, lose contact with ourselves.

What it is?

In nature, parasites are those who use other people’s resources without giving anything in return. For example, the cuckoo lays its eggs in the nests of other birds. The hatched chick pushes the “brothers” out of the nest and one gets all the food.

A parasitic feeling acts in the same way: it replaces another, which at some point became undesirable for us. For example, my child is rude to me, and I give him a scolding. I say: “You are punished until you learn to respect your elders.” My anger in this case is a parasitic feeling. I am hurt, I feel pain, but I am used to expressing it in the form of anger.

Where do they come from?

Another name for a parasitic feeling is a “racket” feeling. In childhood, the child learned to demonstrate certain emotions in order to receive (“extort” – hence the reference to racketeering) attention and care from parents. In stressful situations, we repeat the same patterns (models) of behavior that allowed us to receive good treatment from our parents. True feelings and needs remain unsatisfied.

It happens that one such feeling is superimposed on another. At first, the child learns that fear is not encouraged in the family, but you can afford anger. But then he grows up and realizes that now it is also undesirable to splash out his anger, but it is better to show restraint. So he learns to hide his already learned anger behind a half-smile and a mask of equanimity.

And what’s wrong with them?

Is it really so important that our deepest experiences do not correspond to those that we demonstrate? After all, the situation may require a certain amount of self-control from us. By hiding anger or fear, we do not allow ourselves to become limp and look confident and mature.

Let’s return to the described situation: I scolded the child for what he said was rude. At first glance, my reaction served its purpose: I hid my wounds and showed strength. But what’s in the future? The child can learn to hide his displeasure, avoid communication with me, and even begin to be rude on purpose to annoy me. This means that not only did I not achieve what I wanted (for the child to behave respectfully), but also exacerbated the problem.

Unlike authentic feelings, parasitic feelings do not contribute to the completion of the situation. On the contrary, they confuse us and prevent us from seeing the meaning of what is happening. If the child does not see my true experiences, it will be difficult for him to realize the consequences of his action. And in my desire to put him in his place, I myself will find myself in the role of an aggressor and will worry about this.

Is it worth it to be afraid of genuine feelings?

Many are hesitant to change their emotional habits because they are afraid of the consequences: for example, that they will not be able to control themselves. Or other people will find their real feelings inappropriate. Or they will lose their usual way of doing things.

In fact, the manifestation of genuine feelings is only a part of authentic communication. If we reject racketeering feelings, it only means that we stop manipulating others and deceiving ourselves. We act according to the situation. For example, anger can be a genuine feeling if we express it without aggression, without the desire to destroy the offender, to humiliate him in return. We are aware of what caused it, to whom it is directed and why we need it.

What to do to get rid of parasites?

1. Know your triggers

Each of us, observing the reactions of parents, analyzing their actions and listening to advice, made conclusions for ourselves about how to communicate with people. Subsequently, these conclusions were entrenched in behavior in the form of drivers – incentives. In some situations, they can be useful: for example, many successful businessmen, athletes, and politicians have a “be strong” driver. But at the same time, he forbids showing emotions that are associated with weakness – sadness, anger, unbridled joy.

It is difficult to be constantly aware of your deepest motives. But if we know that our behavior is often subject to a certain setting, it is easier for us to calculate it and understand at what point in our head the categorical “men don’t cry” or “don’t act like a little” sounds in our head.

2. Act appropriately to the situation

People subject to parasitic feelings often live in a world of imaginary threats. When they meet, they need to show their character, make them take themselves seriously, designate territory. Therefore, they often behave aggressively for no particular reason (for example, cutting others off on the road), cannot tolerate disagreement, suspect others of wanting to trick them.

Authentic communication implies awareness: I am aware of what is happening right now, with whom I am talking and about what. I understand that, in addition to my interests, there are interests of other people. I am ready to negotiate boundaries and compromise: this does not mean that I give up – I try to listen to everyone and respect their point of view.

3. Develop listening skills

Often we simply do not hear what the interlocutor says. We respond to the voice that sounds in our head. A voice that may belong to a parent or someone we recently had a tense explanation with. But the one who is standing in front of us now has no idea about it. Therefore, it is important to listen and hear it.

Perhaps we have a difficult person in front of us: he is uncompromising, he constantly objects and bargains. Try to hear what is behind his words. Perhaps they are possessed by those very feelings-parasites. Maybe it will pass, but he needs to be taken out of this state, made to feel safe. Use clarifying questions to try to find out what he really wants.

4. Master the art of feedback

One common situation that parasitic feelings feed on is conflict. An authentic communicator does not attack, blame or reproach the interlocutor.

He does not avoid making claims, but he does it constructively: he says that he is not satisfied, accurately and specifically, offers options for solving the problem, listens to the interlocutor, takes responsibility for what was said and admits his mistakes.

About the Author: Silviana Cannio is an authentic communication coach and author of Unmasked Communication: How to Build Real Relationships (Delo & Service, 2014).