Feeling like a man (I.V. Latypov)

Three fragments from the stories of men who felt that something was wrong with their masculinity …

Story number 1

“For most of my life, I tried to prove to myself that I am a man. No, physically everything was in place, but some constant doubt haunted me.

What stuck in my head was what my mother drove into her from childhood: “Girls cannot be offended!”. I did my best. But in practice, “girls should not be offended” turned into “girls should always give in.” Since if you don’t give in to something, you will definitely offend. And then it began: “well, give in, you’re a man, it’s not at all like a man to behave like that!”. Since I didn’t want to give in, a doubt began to creep into my soul that I was a “real man” — he was above all these “little things”. Then I began to pretend. Pretend that I don’t care, give in on certain issues with a condescending air of «well, what can you take, women.» He gave way to toys, a seat at a desk, skipped ahead, and so on. All the time I was afraid that if I behaved “wrongly”, the girls would instantly figure out that I was not a real man. And many girls with their instincts caught this state and immediately started arguing: “why are you behaving like a girl ?!”

There were also other qualities that a real man in my family had no right to show or, on the contrary, was obliged to show. For example, it was not supposed to think about yourself first, and not about the house or business. He was obliged to hammer nails from the first blow. Well, three. And generally love the renovation. Light a fire quickly and easily. Be athletic and strong. Do not be afraid to get into a fight, even if there is a whole yard gang opposite you. And a lot more that I can’t remember right now. Probably, this is partly why my mother was alone — she had a very large list of required male virtues … One of the most annoying phrases of my mother in childhood: “you are the future man, husband, father!” And only recently I realized what subtext lay in this phrase: “you are not a husband, not a father and not a man” … I constantly fell into a very peculiar trap. So, once I got into a fight that started during a yard football match: our teams didn’t share something there. I didn’t really know how to fight, but I must be a real kid! He returned home beaten, but with the feeling that «I’m still a real kid!». He came home — and got “what are you, an idiot ?! Why did you climb?!» But mom, you yourself inspired me that a man is not afraid of a fight ?!

History №2

“I constantly proved my masculinity to my women. Moreover, not all of them demanded this — but this hole inside me did not give me peace. What did it all turn out to be? In some cases, I could not stand this tension and broke down at some point. Of course, against a woman, although she did not suspect that she was demanding something from me … »

History №3

“How do I feel that I am not quite a man? I am afraid of other men. I avoid homogeneous men’s companies, I prefer women’s or mixed team. If a woman appears in a purely male environment, I feel relieved — there is someone to rely on, someone to get support from (support is the very fact of her presence, there is no need to contact this woman directly). When I shake hands with other men, I do not look up at them, and if I make an effort and look straight into their eyes, I shrink internally, because for me, looking at a man eye-to-eye is an exam for masculinity. Competition is a disaster for me. I am compensated by success with women — I can find a common language with them «…

Reflecting on these stories, I will not go into why these men (like many others!) Feel a kind of imposture syndrome in relation to their own masculinity, why they are so insecure about themselves as men. I am still interested in another point: these men are trying to assert their masculinity through women, relying on them, receiving support from them. However, this is a dead end path.

No woman — not a mother, not a wife / mistress, not colleagues — can give a man the feeling that he is a man. She cannot make a man a man, no matter how flattering many women are at the thought.

The level of skill and training of a fighter during a sports duel will be truly appreciated by another professional fighter, and not by an amateur spectator, for whom the main thing is that the blows are more beautiful and stronger. A professional coach can prepare a fighter. The same is with men and women. The feeling of masculinity that was lost in childhood (for various reasons) can only be replenished through contact with other men. In ancient Greece, this principle was brought to its logical conclusion, when an adult man took a boy or young man under guardianship, often engaging in homosexual relations with him. For me, this is an extreme, due to the specifics of that era. Restoring your identity as a man in the modern world is possible through communication and competition with other men. Therefore, men easily converge in the company and enter into a fight with others. Competition for women, power, resources, and so on… By the way, the very fact that someone else is competing with you already means that you have been recognized as a worthy opponent. They do not compete with those who are not recognized as worthy, or with those who are considered so superior that it is madness to engage in combat with them.

Purely male companies have their own, special atmosphere. There is no place for women in them, not at all because women are somehow “wrong” or “unworthy”. It’s just that they bring their own, feminine energy to the company, which destroys unity and brings confusion — precisely at the expense of their own, special strength and energy.

In psychological groups, it is sometimes proposed to conduct such an experiment. The group sits in two circles — in one only men gather, in the other — only women. You can sit, chat, exchange opinions, look furtively at what another circle, another world is doing there. Listen to your feelings. And almost all participants and participants note how much the atmosphere inside these small groups has changed, how much the sensations have changed. And this is very difficult to describe, many simply find it difficult to find the right words that would accurately reflect this change. But one thing is noted quite often: after being in a same-sex group, interest in the opposite sex increases, and you yourself / yourself can rely on the feeling of masculinity / femininity that you received / received in the group.

With a woman, a man can realize one of the facets of his masculinity. Key point: implement, not receive or prove.

If a man needs to prove to a woman that he is a man (in response to “prove that you are a man”), he already lacks himself as a man. And it no longer makes sense to prove something to your partner, if only because this particular woman may have her own image of how HER man should be. An attempt to adapt to someone else’s image of a man is not a very successful move … By the way, it does not matter in principle what meaning is invested in «being a man.» There are many images of a “real man”, and for me, for example, the very fact of self-perception is more important than conformity to the image. Of course, recognition from a woman is also important for a man who has taken place in his soul, but for him, female rejection is not a reason to declare himself insolvent and doubt that something is “wrong” with you as a man.

The very process of «proving» one’s masculinity with the «help» of a woman most often follows two scenarios: negative and positive.

The negative one is the path through the humiliation and humiliation of a woman. “Women are fools”, “what to take from them”, “woman, know your place” and so on. A classic projection of what you yourself do not recognize on the abstract image of a “typical woman”. Even «better» this process goes when you join other such misogynists, and receive recognition from their side, but not on the basis of competition and achievement, but on the basis of general hatred. Then you get a surrogate feeling that “everything is all right” with you, but again, it depends on women, albeit through their denial. A similar dynamic can be seen in some «women’s» feminist groups, where the unifying principle is hatred of the «male oppressors» and much of the conversation revolves around «what kind of bastards they are.» Completed as women, confident in their femininity, feminists are strikingly different from such «ultras», since the first do not need to humiliate men for being born men and associate certain negative qualities with gender, and not with personality.

A positive scenario is to perform feats, achievements, and the like, and bring all this to the feet of a woman. This scenario is celebrated in our culture. But even he will not give reassurance, since, again, self-recognition depends on the woman, and if she rejects, everything will collapse and all achievements will depreciate. Male/female identity cannot be left to anyone’s whim.

Therefore, male communication — in some ways gu.e.e., in some ways «sexist» and «chauvinist» — is very important, no matter how some women protest against it, trying to limit it. In antiquity (and in some modern «primitive» societies) there was a custom of initiation — a rite of passage for a boy to a new status, the status of a man. He was accompanied by severe trials, during which the boy in the face of other men showed that he had the necessary qualities. Now this rite does not exist, and the function of initiation is performed by male communities. They are different, these communities: somewhere a real man smokes, drinks in a bar on Fridays and yells at football / hockey; somewhere goes on extreme hikes / rafting; building a house somewhere, and so on. It is important to have this significant (reference) group, and in this case, the lack that formed in childhood is replenished … I think that all of the above is also relevant for women.

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.