We can spend years preparing to change something in a relationship with a partner, but at the same time do nothing. The thing is that we are paralyzed by an obsessive fear of a breakup, and we are ready to endure any inconvenience, if only not to provoke discord in the relationship. Why does this approach only harm relationships?
Many people have been going for years to “change something” in their relationship with a partner. For example, to talk about boredom in seca, to suggest a different way to solve financial issues. Someone has long wanted to say that they are not satisfied, or to say that they no longer want to spend their holidays in their usual place, or even dream of being alone during their holidays.
But all this remains an intention, and the conversation does not reach. The reason is an irrational fear: if I say this, the partner will get angry and leave. Relationships will fall apart or suffer such a blow that they will no longer be the same …
The fear of loss paralyzes a lot of people, and they prefer to stay in the familiar situation so as not to provoke discord in the relationship.
However, such a position already implies that the relationship is extremely unstable and that the connection between the two people is very weak. After all, it turns out that it is destroyed by a simple statement of one of the partners about their needs.
The other will hear — and immediately run away? If this is actually the case, then it is not the relationship that is destroyed, but only the illusion that they were, that everything was fine until you declared yourself. True, this illusion can be so expensive and pleasant that it is easier to remain silent, not to talk about what is important to you — just so as not to be rejected.
At the same time, the blame for the break will automatically be placed on the one who dared to say something that so outraged the departing one. It is somehow forgotten what the second partner also chooses: to be offended by him or to listen. And if for him indignation is more important than relationships, this is his choice and his value. And certainly not the choice of the one who took the initiative to make changes in an established life.
Throwing responsibility for the break on the partner, the other simply uses the opportunity that has turned up: he stops the hateful relationship and remains “in white” at the same time
It happens, however, in a different way. In response to the proposal to change something in the relationship, a response follows — the partner also thought a lot about the need to change something, but was just as worried about a possible reaction. And in the same way I put it off … True, this rarely happens.
More often you have to see the third option: «Come on, you invent, everything is fine.» There is no break, but what is happening is completely ignored. This is the usual «ostrich strategy»: not to notice the partner’s dissatisfaction, to assume that his problems are due to the fact that he or she (more often, after all, she) «winds up» out of the blue.
«Don’t wake up famously while it’s quiet.» A classic magic trick played out in various fairy tales (where there is “He-who-must-not-be-named”). When it becomes famously “loud”, it will be too late — “suddenly” the partner packs up and leaves. Just like that, «out of the blue»
And the bewilderment of the “denier” is largely far-fetched and hypocritical, it can be expressed something like this: “How is that?! For so long I managed to ignore what is happening in our relationship, not to pay attention to the dissatisfaction of the partner — what went wrong ?! The idea that magic does not work here is difficult to break into consciousness. In this case, the value of peace was higher than the value of relationships. Don’t rock the boat, ladies and gentlemen!
At the moment when we are told about dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs, a very simple choice occurs: what is more important — the relationship between us or something else (my resentment, habit, calmness …). If the choice is made in favor of «something else» — well, this is reality. It is neither bad nor good, it just exists, and what to do with it is a matter of personal choice and personal preference. But the development of relations with such a choice is impossible.