How can modern fathers regain the status of guardians of the laws of family life and at the same time not become like domestic tyrants of the past? Why is it important that this special role of the father be recognized by the family and society? Psychoanalyst Gabriel Reuben answers.
They become friends with their children or treat them too motherly, always absent or unable to cope … Gabriel Ruben sounds the alarm: it is unusually difficult for modern fathers to fulfill their most important role — the embodiment of family authority.
The psychoanalyst seeks to find out the underlying causes of this «weakening of positions» and describes its dire consequences for the personality of the child and for the future of today’s society as a whole. Her conclusion, in short, is: without a father, there is no civilization. That is why «fathers need to be helped to regain their place in society.»
Psychologies: You’re saying that it’s time for all of us to «save our fathers». Are they really that bad?
Gabriel Reuben: I didn’t come up with this, this is an ailment of our society, from which we all suffer, but first of all, children. Society is moving towards savagery, justice is not respected, teachers are not listened to, policemen are attacked… Such a rejection by society of any form of authority is a serious symptom.
The construction of society begins with the father: it is he who permits and forbids, and he also breaks the initial connection (close to merging) between mother and child. But today he is losing his powers as a «representative of the law», his role is becoming vague.
What prevents him from being the leader?
First of all, the fact that society does not recognize this role for him. We gradually moved from a hierarchical model of social organization to a horizontal one, which led to the inevitable confusion of roles and the loss of orientation in the family. Now no one obeys anyone, the differences between generations are blurred.
Men who are no longer respected and valued, themselves give up masculine qualities and become like mothers.
Once upon a time, a father was a powerful figure not only in the family, but also in society: he was surrounded by the same halo of power and protection as the king, pope or head of state. Today, the father no longer has that support.
Maybe we should return to the Roman model of the family, where pater familias ruled?
Of course not! As a psychoanalyst, I only say that in order for a child to develop his personality, he needs to consider his father strong and powerful. It’s great if the father is really like that. And if this is not so, society, recognizing and appreciating paternal authority, can thereby allow the child to imagine his father as such, to ascribe these qualities to him.
Unfortunately, this is not the case today. Men who are no longer respected and valued, themselves give up masculine qualities and become like mothers.
Does it mean that a housewife father interferes with the development of the child’s personality?
A child needs to admire his father. If this is a son, then he should take an example from him — this is how he grows up. If society valued men doing housework, then everything would be in order, but we do not have that case at all.
Symbolically, the roles of mother and father are not interchangeable. But this does not mean that the father should not be affectionate with the child or should not take over the daily care of him.
Can a mother help restore the father’s authority?
It is necessary that a man be respected in the family, and above all his wife. After all, her attitude greatly affects children. In addition, in order to restore the authority of the father, it is necessary, without encroaching on gender equality, to recognize that the roles of a man and a woman outside the family may be the same, but inside the family they are different.
To save the father and mother as symbols, it is necessary to distinguish between their family roles. Here is a starting point for further reflection. A new father will have to be invented, and this is not an easy, but worthy task.